Seeing that I've injured my finger this week (seems to be alot of injuries around lately) I have decided to have a go at lyric writing this week so here goes
Mispronunciation
I'm sat here at the office working 9 till 5
I'm grafting real hard and that's no lie
The phone rings twice and I take a dive
My voice an't fine and I begin to sie
With a dirty rotten cold I pick up the phone
The callers said his name was Mike Hunt
I'm not gonna repeat what I said
Better luck next time as I hang up the phone
Mispronouncing my vowels
Stammering though concrete sentences
I'm a builder without a hammer, a doctor without a scalpel
I an't no Pavarotti, hell I not even a Shattner
My voice, it's the bane of my life
I won't mind so much if they would just shut up and work right
Any suggestion/improvements would be wonderful :D
Regards
Hi,
This is only my second week, so I'm hardly in a position to hand out advice, but it looks to me like you've got some good ideas there, but weren't quite sure how to shape them up.
Song don't need to rhyme, but you began with a deliberate rhymed verse and then seemed to sort of wander off course a bit. :) I guess that the second verse could be seen as having an implied rhyme that you jokingly avoid, but I'm not quite sure what was going on in verse 3. Oddly enough I rather liked all the lines in verse 3 separately, but couldn't do much with them when they were grouped together. But lyrics can have a completely different life once they're in a musical setting, so they may work great with whatever you were hearing in your head as an accompaniment. Did you have any feeling about what style of music you'd set it to, or are you just at the stage of putting some ideas on the page and seeing where it takes you?
Cheers,
Chris
Thanks for the advice, I've taken it on board
Verse three is kind of saying whats wrong with the person voice and why they have difficulty saying stuff
Blue Eyes
It seems what you have here is a good start. I love the Shattner line.
Maybe if you worked out a few more verses with some commonly
mispronounced words or phrases thrown in.
It also might work a bit better as Micheal Hunt leaving a bit more to the reader's/listener's imagination.
John
John ,
Nice one mate :wink:
You have alot of very clever lines in here , the Pavarotti line is brilliant ..
So many goodies all in one song
Well done
Trev.. :wink:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi Mr Blue Eyes
Celt's advice about the Hunt line is worth taking.
Chris is right in saying songs don't need to rhyme but they do need to be consistent. If you take the first verse and rework it to fit the rest of the verses it might alleviate some of the more forced rhymes you've got in there sigh/dive/9 til 5/lie.
Definitely a good start.
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
