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Week 46 - sunsetN!nja - "Golden"

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sunsetN!nja
(@sunsetncnja)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 40
Topic starter  

Golden
by B.J.M.

[verse]
Look across,
through turf, blood, mud and chalk.
It may as well
be on tv.

You work so hard,
but you can't eclipse the stars.
Another golden disappointment
gets the call.

[chorus 1]
But it doesn't matter,
you know you could do better.
This team is built on tradition.
Sit and chat a couple hours,
Hear the whistle punch the shower
and repeat the waiting game next season.

They kiss again,
He lost, but look at him.
Perfection of an american
posterboy.

You pass them by,
He high-fives, and she says hi.
You wish you could grab an
interception.

[chorus 2]
But she'll never falter,
you'll never be considered.
She's only been with the starters.
Sit and chat a couple hours,
Hear the whistle punch the shower
And repeat the waiting game next season.

You hope so hard,
but you can't eclipse a star.
you've got more drive and skill,
but he really looks the part...

--------------
It seems the structure on this one turned out a little wierd, but I might be able to make it work. The chorus isn't really a chorus and the verse acts like a chorus at the end.


   
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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hi sunsetninja:)
have I told before how beautiful your nickname is? it really is.

anyway I absolutely loved your previous submissions and think this one is very good, too although it might need some improvement.

the beginning up until 'they kiss again' is excellent, wouldn't change anything. love the phrases and it really is beautiful('can't eclipse the stars'...*yay* ...'another golden disappointment'...whole first verse)
I'm not to fond of the chorus' last line...yet I don't bother...it's just I like the rest more

2nd chorus is good, too(the beginning is great) and the last verse really does give the impression of a chorus:)
if it was mine I'd really make this the chorus
like chorus 1
You work so hard,
but you can't eclipse the stars.
Another golden disappointment
gets the call.
chorus 2
You hope so hard,
but you can't eclipse a star.
you've got more drive and skill,
but he really looks the part...

and the parts you have for choruses now could make bridges to the two 'new' choruses, maybe shortening them a bit(if you don't mind, that is...as I like the beginning of your choruses better than their endings)

anyway just some ideas of mine :wink:
after all it's your song and it can become a very very good one as I see it.
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

As an English man, guessing this about American football, this is almost like learning a foreign language all over again......!!!

But I've read enought Stephen (Steven?) King books to get a feel for small-town Americana.....and this evokes mental pictures in the same way a SK story does, I can feel the disappointment as the would-be jock is benched again, doesn't get a chance to play, so doesn't get a chance at the girl........

Please tell me I read this right!!!

Well that's the way I see it anyway....and any song where you can put yourself in the writer's mind, see what he sees, feel what he feels, has to have something going for it!!!

Particularly liked this......

You pass them by,
He high-fives, and she says hi.
You wish you could grab an
interception.

Been there.......!!!

:) :) :)

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Hey sunsetNinja,

You've a good point about the structure being a bit off-beat. However, I think the story is real good, and the off-beat structure might actually enhance the character's feelings of isolation. Of "almost-but-never-quite" making it. It's really a good piece. Brings back the high-school days for sure. I especially liked the line:

Another golden disappointment
gets the call.

The "golden disappointment" phrase strikes me as a really great ironic contrast.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

aw...!
I'm a dumb girl
didn't get the fact it's about football :oops:
just thought terms like repeat the waiting game next season and She's only been with the starters. were just metaphors...
now that I look at it again it's perfectly clear...sorry;)

bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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