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Week 48 - Bright Ri...
 
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Week 48 - Bright Ride

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sunsetN!nja
(@sunsetncnja)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 40
Topic starter  

Short one this week...

Bright Ride
by BJM
---------
[chorus]
In the middle of nowhere,
You might find me there.

[verse 1]
Fire flies in multi-hued disguise,
lead my tranced out eyes,
like 1999.
All over again.

[verse 2]
Strobes confide while tinkerbell decides,
if she'll ever find,
another pill to ride,
or live another day.

[chorus]

[verse 3]
Faces in a swirl of laser lights,
I'm moving in a daze
but I am more all right.
Then I've ever felt before.

In the middle of nowhere,
you might find me there.


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

sunsetN!nja

Nice take on the assignment. The rhyme on Verse 1 bothers me a little.

"Fire flies in multi-hued disguise,
lead my tranced out eyes,
like 1999.
All over again.''

I might suggest switching lines 2 and 3.

Something like:

Fire flies in multi-hued disguise,
like 1999.
lead my tranced out eyes,
All over again.

Just a thought I don't know what your musical take on it is so it may work better the other way.

Celt

PS A great week that just keeps getting better.

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Short, bitter-sweet, nicely atmospheric.......

:) :) :)

Vic.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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CheapThrill
(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey n!nja,

noce take on the assignment. we are at a rave now. i like the fire flies and tinkerbell references here. plus i like the line "another pill to ride". the flow if the song is very raveish (it may not be a real word but it is one now :lol: ) great job.

-CheapThrill


   
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Bob
 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Good piece of writing, presents a good broad brush stroke image of a party without getting too boged down. Good interpretation of the assignment. Verse 3 is really well written you get the sense that the narrator is well and truly caught in the moment of the party and that outside of that moment nothing else matters.

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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