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Week 50... havnt tried this before. But FUN!!

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Nicola
(@nicola)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 14
Topic starter  

This is my first attempt at this exercise, so be as harsh as you want!!!
Dont have a name for this, very hard for me to put something down i havnt finished, but i guess you guys can help me get it right.
anyway,

V1:
Father im so helpless
feeling all alone
I thought that wisdom came with age
but your gone

Everything i dont want
is what you are
'Cause the lessons you have taught me
they have scarred

chorus:
The memories are forever
The thoughts, even they are present
I never thought i'd end up
repeating your events

V2:
Mother you are lonely
i know you are
But i cant build up the courage
to reach you so far

You didn't teach me about
all the painful things
I never thought it could be worse
than what family brings

(chorus)

bridge:
Didnt you know that my. >>>>>(kind of like a staccato effect)
Upbringing changes what.
I percieve of my worth.

Didnt you think that I.
Would ever see past...
The pain i brought you at birth?

I know it may read kind of jumpy, i dunno. It sounds better in melody.
I tend towards differentiated rhythm patterns and timings to add variety and emotional build to the song. but you cant follow them from just the words.

but what do you think of it?????

There has been years of investigation to find that 100% of statistics are made up


   
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Alan Green
(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Hi, Nicola,

It's a good start, but I think it's going to need finishing before we can really comment as it's difficult to see where it's going to end up.

I struggled with some of the line lengths, but I'll take your word that the melody works.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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Olav
 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 150
 

Nicola
First of all welcome
I have to agree with Alan. I think it could benefit from a revision. I find it kind of sporadic and the rhyming seems forced in some places.
Now to the positive.
You have an incredible story here. These lines are going
to speak to a lot of people.
I would recommend maybe not to worry so much about the rhyming. I know this can be a controversial subject, but you may, like me, find it freeing not to be stuck in a rhyming pattern all the time. I guess what I am trying to say is the forced rhyming was what ruined it for me.
IMHO I’d rather see it not rhyming than feeling forced.
Here is a site you may find interesting. There are many more but I think this is the best: http://www.rhymezone.com
Hope I did not scare you away, and hope to see more of your stuff here.
Remember this is only my opinion :)
Blessings. Olav


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Welcome, Nicola,

I'd second Alan's comments, in that it sorta feels unfinished to me. I also had trouble with the meter, but I often do, and if you've already got a melody that it works with, then that's kinda moot.

I didn't think the rhymes sounded forced, but some of the language seems kind of awkward to me. i.e. "... I perceive of my worth" doesn't sound like something you'd normally say. I dunno. maybe not. I'm having trouble pin-pointing just what it is that doesn't sit right with me, which makes this a rather poor critique. But I think you're on to something, and you've got a terrific start here. Have a look at it in a day or so, and see if it still flows the way you intend.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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Nicola
(@nicola)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 14
Topic starter  

Yeah, your right about the flow changing. But where do i go from here then??? It seemed to fit so well when i was writing it.

"percieve my worth" in explanation is self perception, and that i think is a very common thing to say. Maybe the lingo a bit different. But for years, songwriters have been saying the same things differently!!

Thanks for your comments.
That website will eventually come in handy. I think it feels like an imposter to my imagination at the moment. But im sure (once i come around) it will serve its purpose.

It was so hard to lay this down soooooooooooo unfinished. But i dont know where to begin to edit it. ive never really gone back to work ive rounded off when writing. Probably why i never get my originals published!!

There has been years of investigation to find that 100% of statistics are made up


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Yeah, your right about the flow changing. But where do i go from here then??? I'm not really sure, as I said, I'm having trouble actually identifying just what it is that doesn't seem to sit well.
"percieve my worth" ... i think is a very common thing to say. Then by all means, keep it! :)
But for years, songwriters have been saying the same things differently!!
of course.

I wasn't trying to pick apart your work, I was trying to figure out how it might be improved. The tricky part was, (is) that every time I look at part of it, to see if that's the part that doesn't quite fit, I end up thinking, "No,... that part's good" And every part I look at is good. But for some reason, something doesn't seem to quite be fitting into place. So to address your first question, "Where do I go from here?"... I guess the next step would be to figure out what that piece is. Or,.. if you feel it flowed so well when you wrote it down, but not so well now, looking back at it, try to figure out why that is. A lot of times I find that the meter of my first attempt is incredibly forced, and have to find some other way to say the same thing that fits with a more natural meter. But all of this comes under the heading of "suggestions", try them or don't as you choose. I think it counts in your favor, though, that it is so difficult to improve on.
That website will eventually come in handy. I think it feels like an imposter to my imagination at the moment. try to think of it as a prod, or goad to your imagination.

Anyways, lest I left you with the wrong impression, I really liked the song. It was just a tough one to critique. Look forward to seeing what you come up with for next week.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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nroberts
(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 305
 

But for some reason, something doesn't seem to quite be fitting into place. So to address your first question, "Where do I go from here?"... I guess the next step would be to figure out what that piece is.

Meter seems to be off in the first verse. The last line is incomplete. As a first verse I think it causes some conceptions to stick.

The bridge is a little odd in meter also. And the fact that the bridge is actually more of an outro since nothing happens after. Also, each section of the bridge is actually a single sentance and splitting it up as it has been doesn't work for me. It feels broken up too much.

I think verse two, line two could be better. Verse two line 4&5(?) don't seem follow the established flow since they are more connected as a single sentance than previous. Verse 1, 4&5 might be similar but seem to pause to me, verse 2 doesn't have that pause.

Anyway, that's what I see...


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Pretty much everything been said already about this, but I'll just add my opinion anyway......couple of small things I'd change,

The memories are forever
The thoughts, even they are present
I never thought i'd end up
repeating your events

to

The memories are forever,
The thoughts are omnipresent,
I never thought we'd end up,
Prisoners of past events

(though you'd have to change the meter a little.......)

and-

bridge:
Didnt you know that my. >>>>>(kind of like a staccato effect)
Upbringing changes what.
I percieve of my worth.

to..........

Didn't you know that my. >>>>>(kind of like a staccato effect)
Upbringing changes how
I percieve my worth.

They'd make it flow a little smoother....agree with Nroberts though about the bridge reading like more of an outro........unless you'd like to maybe write a final verse, either a summing-up, or an examination of the mother/father relationship, which would be a logical progression......you've done the daughter/father and daughter/mother relationships....

I like it anyway, just struck me as slightly unfinished, just needs a little fine tuning....

:) :) :)

Vic.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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