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WK 19--Flying Home Tonight

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Tokai 12 String
(@tokai-12-string)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 122
Topic starter  

Flying home tonight

Called to duty and his mother cries
Gives her a hug then wipes her eyes
picks up his gear, marches out the door
He's twenty-two and off to war

Sends her a message every night and day
please don't worry mom, I will be Okay
Deep in his heart he has some doubt
Salutes the coffin that is on it's way out

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
and he's flying back to his home tonight.

Sends her a message from a distant site
tells her not to worry I'm still alright
he hates to lie but it's really for the best
and all he wants to do is get some rest

A year passes by still he hides the truth
bombs go off and all hell breaks loose
A little blood trickling from his head
lying at his feet another soldier is dead

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
and he's flying back to his home tonight.

sends a message I'll be home next week
she's so happy she can hardly speak
Calls the family and the neighbors too
she plans a party there's so much to do

Four days later no message from her son
She reasons his journey home has begun
Two days later soldiers knocking at the door
We're sorry ma'am your son a casualty of war

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
and he's flying back to his home tonight

Tokai 12 String

Don't you ever give up on yourself

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=358286


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
 

I like this, but there are two things that bother me.

This line sounds very awkard, and I'm not sure what it means.

"Salutes the coffin that is on it's way out "

Having him coming back home in the chorus is very confusing. The song jumps foward an backward in time so much it lost me a couple times actually. Other then that, I enjoyed it.

Keep it up :D

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
 

I like the coffin line, and most of the other lines, but I agree that the coming home verse should be withheld until the end of the song where it is the emotional payoff. That way the rest of the song is more suspenseful. If you keep it where it is you should definitely change the words so it doesn't give away the ending so soon.


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

hi

nice song you have written here I do agree about leaving the coming home til last ..

Maybe in the first chorus a little tweek along the lines of him dreaming about coming home ..Then in the last and final chorus he is actually coming home

"A little blood trickling from his head
lying at his feet another soldier is dead "

Very powerful imagery there , just would like the same powerful but in a loving caring way . ( hope you understand )

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Tokai 12 String
(@tokai-12-string)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 122
Topic starter  

First I'd like to thank you for your comments
second I'd like to say it all made sense in my head
the chorus is related to the last line of each verse
The coffin headed home with a dead soldier
the dead soldier at his feet
they are the one flying home

Tokai 12 String

Don't you ever give up on yourself

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=358286


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Tokia

I have to agree with everybody else.

Great imagery but I knew where the song was going
too soon.

Very Good

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
 

I see what you were trying to do with having the dead guys flying home, but it just isn't clear enough. The only possible way I can think of to do it would be to have the main character as a 'she' and the others as 'he's. A far from perfect solution I think you'll agree. Failing that you could give them names - Private Jimmy, Sergeant Johnny or whatever (sounds a bit corny I know).

Or you could just leave it as it is but I predict that the elaborate development of the story will be lost on 99% of listeners.


   
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sytys
(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 84
 

hey tokai, i think this is a great song, from the first verse you have the hook, off to war, you have a great chorus, bringing home the dead, a good meter, consistent, good creative rhymes and a lot of imagery, nice work.

marty

sytys


   
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Tokai 12 String
(@tokai-12-string)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 122
Topic starter  

Again I would like to Thank You for your comments
I did write two endings for this song one fictitious, one truth,
But since This song was never meant to have a suprise ending.
I opted for the truth
I have made slight changes as per hilchs' suggestion. THANK YOU
I will consider any suggestion for changes.

Flying home tonight

Called to duty and his mother cries
Gives her a hug then wipes her eyes
picks up his gear, marches out the door
He's twenty-two and off to war

Sends her a message every night and day
please don't worry mom, I will be Okay
Deep in his heart he has some doubt
Salutes the coffin that is on it's way out

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
In his dreams he's flying home tonight

Sends her a message from a distant site
tells her not to worry I'm still alright
he hates to lie but it's really for the best
and all he wants to do is get some rest

A year passes by still he hides the truth
bombs go off and all hell breaks loose
A little blood trickling from his head
lying at his feet another soldier is dead

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
In his dreams he's flying home tonight

sends a message I'll be home next week
she's so happy she can hardly speak
Calls the family and the neighbors too
she plans a party there's so much to do

Four days later no message from her son
She reasons his journey home has begun
Two days later soldiers knocking at the door
We're sorry ma'am your son a casualty of war

flying back home tonight
He's got no more wars to fight
Never proclaimed its not right
and he's flying back to his home tonight

Tokai 12 String

Don't you ever give up on yourself

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=358286


   
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