Skip to content
WK 32 - teach me to...
 
Notifications
Clear all

WK 32 - teach me to fail correctly

9 Posts
5 Users
0 Likes
2,052 Views
(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
Topic starter  

I liked this weeks topic....i had been meaning to write about this for ages, its about a night that changed my life and i had never really got down to writing about what actually happened and what i learnt from it. I had previously just wrote about my feeling afterwards and how angry i was etc so i hope this is good...

There was no light in the room
It was too dark to care
So we let ourselves go
You couldn't see me stare
Your skin was like heaven
I was aching for your kiss
And you'd known all along
How long I'd waited for this

And It wasn't faith I replaced on that fateful night
Some say its wrong but its never felt so right
I'm standing in front of you just bearing my chest
Exposing all my wounds and my flesh
And this is the test

When I touched your lips
The world went spinning round
Need to come back to earth
But you won't let me down
And then I went home in a cab
Was all of that pretend?
I'm so sick of this feeling
I just want everything to end

And It wasn't truth that I felt I don't know what it is
Remain so confused but I still wanted it
I'm licking my wounds and I think I'll be just fine
But I cant believe I wasted all my time
When nothing was mine

Lessons, so many lessons
Will you teach me?
And when I fail
Will you still be there?


   
Quote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Guitargeek

Overall I think this is a good song. Verse 1 is excellent, well done. In chorus 1 I'm not so keen on the phrases “fateful night” or “felt so right” but only because I think they've been used too many times before. The sentiment is fine its just those words.
In verse 2 for me it feels like there's a disconnect between the first ½ and the second ½. Apparently something has happened that we don't know about, a rejection maybe. The “hearts desire” has failed some test?, we need more on this.
Oh one other thing, if its dark in the room the wounds couldn't be seen anyway, or are the wounds emotional?. Or maybe the rejection happens when the wounds are felt, more on this would be nice.
Overall Id say you did a good job here :D .

Cheers

pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
(@sozay)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 173
 

hey gg,

agreed with pb about the couple of phrase in the chorus you need to rethink, and perhaps the last line of the second verse "i just want everything to end", which sounds a bit too familiar. Even to just something as simple as 'again and again and again' which reinforces the pain the narrator has been thru, and the tiredness/hopelessness that the original line gives.

i like the change-up for the outro/bridge too. on the whole it a good song, one tune-up and a tune away from being a song. look forward to hearing it
sozay

currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!


   
ReplyQuote
(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
 

if the room's that dark, why are you staring?


   
ReplyQuote
(@sozay)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 173
 

in a dark room you can still see the shape of a person, even details by the light coming in from outside, but you cant really tell exactly where a person is looking. so it makes sense

currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!


   
ReplyQuote
 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

Liked your song.
And It wasn't faith I replaced on that fateful night
Some say its wrong but its never felt so right
I'm standing in front of you just bearing my chest
Exposing all my wounds and my flesh
And this is the test

I got that the wounds were on the inside. You could just leave out some extra words you don't need, 'cause I think your meaning (and suffering) comes across fine without them.

And it wasn't faith I replaced that night
Some say it's wrong, but it felt so right
I'm so sick of this feeling
I just want everything to end

Would this work?

I'm so sick of this feeling
I want it to end

I think I got your song without a lot of over explaining. After all, how long is the average song? You made love (first time perhaps? maybe you're even a bit religious and felt like you were committing a sin or something? or maybe I'm waaaaaaaay off here) and afterwards you realized the other person was not as in love as you were.
A way you might be able to make it clearer to others without writing the "disco" version that never ends is by making this one verse a little clearer.
And It wasn't truth that I felt I don't know what it is

Something like...

And if it wasn't real then I don't know what it was
Or if what I felt wasn't real...or something like that. I'm sure you can come up with something better based on how you felt. I don't wanna trample over your song, 'cause I think it's good.

I'm not sure what this means unless I completely misunderstood your message. Is this the chorus?

Lessons, so many lessons
Will you teach me?
And when I fail
Will you still be there?

I'll try reading that part throughout and see if it works better for me (sometimes it just takes me a while).

Okay I re-read it with that part as the chorus and it worked pretty well so I hope it's the chorus. If not it should be.

Anyway in case you couldn't tell, I liked it. Send it again with your revisions (don't make too many--don't need them).

Joe


   
ReplyQuote
(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
Topic starter  

woah didnt expect to get so much feeback! thank you! I guess i'll just dissect my song and maybe that will answer the questions....

There was no light in the room
It was too dark to care
So we let ourselves go
You couldn't see me stare <<<<<this line was about my obsession with this person and how i always used to just stare at them and i was always worry that they noticed

Your skin was like heaven
I was aching for your kiss
And you'd known all along
How long I'd waited for this <<< they knew i was in love with them and they kept me hanging on before finally letting me have them, they had enjoyed leading me on for so long

And It wasn't faith I replaced on that fateful night
Some say its wrong but its never felt so right <<< i guess this is kinda religious coz it was kind of going against faith (because it was the same sex you see) but i'm sayin i didnt replace my faith that night because i wanted to do it

I'm standing in front of you just bearing my chest
Exposing all my wounds and my flesh
And this is the test <<< these are emotional wounds, when i told her my feelings, it felt like i was bearing my chest (my heart) and it felt like i was being tested for some reason

When I touched your lips
The world went spinning round
Need to come back to earth
But you won't let me down <<< i needed to stop being in love with this person and come back to reality but they kept leading me on then rejecting me so they wouldnt let me go

And then I went home in a cab
Was all of that pretend?
I'm so sick of this feeling
I just want everything to end <<< i went home in a cab that morning and these were my thoughts on that journey

And It wasn't truth that I felt I don't know what it is
Remain so confused but I still wanted it << i wasnt feeling truth from her, she was just using me and i knew it yet still wanted her
I'm licking my wounds and I think I'll be just fine
But I cant believe I wasted all my time
When nothing was mine << wasted my time and i didnt get what i really wanted in the end

Lessons, so many lessons
Will you teach me?
And when I fail
Will you still be there?
<<< this is about my life now, and how i learnt my lesson and i'm sort of sayin to the next person in my life that if i make mistakes like i did before, will you still be there?

hope that helps...


   
ReplyQuote
 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

Well. Songs don't always have to be so self explanatory. There are plenty of popular songs we think mean one thing because it's how we interpret them and then come to find out they meant something completely different to the writers. Songs are personal but sometimes keeping them somewhat vague or general makes them more palatable or appealing to the masses. It's completely up to you how detailed you want to be. But going by your interpretation I'd change the staring part to something like

"You'd never seen me stare."

(Although if you could make it work using "staring" that makes more sense I think). Or else maybe start with that--

You'd never seen me stare
Now we let ourselves go
It was too dark to care

Then add a fourth line. Don't really need to tell us the room was dark. We already know that.

Second verse is pretty clear. Third verse I still think you should leave out

"fateful" and "never."

Fourth to clarify (although I got it)

"All my wounds exposed along with my flesh."

Or even just change

"wounds" to "emotions." Since it sounds like she's the one who created the wounds in the first place so going by that they hadn't actually been created yet. Whatever feels right to you. I like the next verse a lot (the one about coming back to Earth).
Next verse is fine, I'd just change

"everything" to "it."

As far as the last part being for the next person (I'm still not clear on if that's the chorus or if not, what is), a way to draw the distinction might be to refer to the one who hurt you as "She" throughout the song instead of "you," and if it's not already, use that last part as the chorus so you can be asking the new person not to hurt you like "she" did and then sort of be telling her the story, kind of like that song "The First Cut Is The Deepest."
Okay I'm done. Finally. Send me your revision when you're done with it. I'd really like to read it. Thanks.

Joe


   
ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Well done Joe, an excellent review :D .


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote