Skip to content
Notifications
Clear all

Wk-35........"We Could Be"

7 Posts
5 Users
0 Likes
1,550 Views
+LostBeggining+
(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 197
Topic starter  

Sorry, not sure this is ok. Its a little....i dunno how to put it but.........

We Could Be

The dust blows through rings of golden light
Halo's of the good promises of men
So many years down the dusty line
From when those promises were set
With the dying of the newborn sun
The death of a newborn's grace
The hearts of the strong are still starving
From all the lucky ones never gave

With no voice to scream
And no words to say
They have no eyes to see
And no hand to lead the way
But we could be the voice
We could be the words they need
Open a new world of life
To those with nothing left to believe
We could be....

And the ribbons of surrender wave tonight
Through the dusty air of pain
And the sun still never fails to die
At the end of each hopeless day
As the lives, they turn to seconds
When the broken pendulum swings
All it takes one less conveniance
In our perfect world of silent sin

With no voice to scream
And no words to say
They have no eyes to see
And no hand to lead the way
But we could be the voice
We could be the words they need
Open a new world of life
To those with nothing left to believe
We could be....

We could be.......

Rain Shadow


   
Quote
Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Very strong use of imagery...I'm guessing this is verse / chorus / verse / chorus, right?

Especially like the way you repeat the title at the end...comes across as desperate pleading....no real stand-out lines, they're all good....

I'm impressed by the high quality of submissions this week...personally, I've scrapped three different efforts, working on a fourth which seems to be heading the same way....

Good job, LB!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote
+LostBeggining+
(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 197
Topic starter  

oh...wow...didnt expect such a positive response...thanks :D

NeM,

Rain Shadow


   
ReplyQuote
pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi LB,

Indeed we could be....

I like the imagery of this song. The futility of the sun rising and setting and how you align that to the birth and death of the "newborn" is really good. I also like the structure of your chorus where the last half gives hope or sets the challenge. The "We could be"'s work well. I think if the last "We could be" was sung with a different inflection in the voice, to me that would give it great power. Well done :D .

pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

LostBeggining

First let me say I agree with everything that has already
been said. This is GREAT!!!!!!!

It could just be me but the use of "promises" and "newborn"
twice each in verse one puts me off a little.

Hope you don't mind if I try an edit.

Something like;

The dust blows through rings of golden light
Halo's of the good promises of men
So many years down the dusty line
From when those covenants were set
With the dying of the sun there comes
The death of a newborn's grace
The hearts of the strong are still starving
From all the lucky ones never gave

Just my thoughts

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
ReplyQuote
+LostBeggining+
(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 197
Topic starter  

wow. Thank you both...I agree with you both and i like this verse you gave their celt...its a big improvment....

Thanks again!

Rain Shadow


   
ReplyQuote
mysticmoonangel
(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 166
 

hi LB

wow that was great :D no awsome :D

when I read this lyric I thought the word FOR might sound better than FROM

The hearts of the strong are still starving
for all the lucky ones never gave

when you end this verse I thougbt you may want to add on

With no voice to scream
And no words to say
They have no eyes to see
And no hand to lead the way
But we could be the voice
We could be the words they need
Open a new world of life
To those with nothing left to believe
We could be.... The lucky ones

any way great song as is.....

mystic :D


   
ReplyQuote