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wk 49 The eternal formula

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(@thejackal)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 79
Topic starter  

Just fooling aound with this one while I am at work. I like some of the lines in it but not others. Need to spend more time to even it out a bit more.

TheJackal.

Y does it not add up this show
Equals such as you should know
M I the only one who sees
Cs them sliding too and fro
Squared is the jaw of he at the gate

Pie in the sky dreams
R the reasons for their nightmare screams
Squared away is a thought that never came to be

Ask for his forgiveness
Squared is the penance
Plus a bit more for remembrance
Be forever reverent
Squared the jaw that waits
Equals are not among us
C what lies ahead for you
Squared the love above us

Pie in the sky dreams
R the reasons for their nightmare screams
Squared away is a thought that never came to be

Volume means more than quality to you
Equals? Yes, but compared to who
Width of wallet to judge your friends
Times run out you're at your end
Height of success in this simple world
Times one short life and you have unfurled the
Depth of hell that awaits you for eternity

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413

Only dead fish go with the flow.


   
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 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

I think you've got some really good lines in here, but rather than the math terms adding to the song, I think they kind of take away--seem a little forced. I realize it's an assignment, but I'd rather see you compromise the assignment and use fewer math terms, than compromise your song just to meet the requirement. Anyway, you've got more algebra and trig terms than actual geometry. I'd like to see you take some of these good lines, and not worry about the assignment so much, and just say what you wanna say. I think this song could be great. If you do that, please submit it. I'd really like to see it again. Thanks.

Joe


   
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(@thejackal)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 79
Topic starter  

Thanks Joe.

This was interesting. I think I have a few good lines too but each line was written purely to try and make the first word fit. Thanks for the math tip haha. E-mc squared is actually physics. lol I just threw down a couple of formulas to see what I could come up with.
In the end, there is somewhat of a story line to it and I like that too. I will try and re write it and see what comes from that.

Thanks again for the comments.

TheJackal.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413

Only dead fish go with the flow.


   
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