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WK51 - Stingy Brim (CitizenNoir / Chris C)

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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
Topic starter  

I got three verses about a London gangster before I realised it was too heavy for the chorus.

So here's one based on the Sting character in Quadrophenia. References are to the mid 60s battles on Brighton beach between Mods and Rockers. Many Mods wore pork pie hats (think Blues Brothers).

Stingy Brim (title CitizenNoir - Chorus Chris C)

On a Saturday, bank holiday
the London crew have sped away
Vespas, parkers, Lambrettas
mini skirts and stilettos
cruising down the A23
squadron leader shows the way

Stingy Brim, Stingy Brim
He's cool and tight, taut and trim
Fast and mean and slick and slim
Don't you wish that you were him?

on the Brighton road, all lights and chrome
a weekend jaunt away from home
holding court and finding sport
in a pork pie hat his girlfriend bought
the local guard will run to ground
a new face puts the heat around

Chorus

Bridge
In mohair suit and Cuban boots
he cuts a dash with raw good looks
the waiters and the waitresses
jump at every cue he gives
he sets the standard and the mood
the bad boy will be 'doing good'

And the clearup Tuesday morning finds
no trace of cockney mastermind
the witnesses all told police
of the bottle fights that broke the peace
and the ring leader Easter weekend
was a cat in a hat with a narrow brim

Chorus

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DrunkRock
(@drunkrock)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 159
 

When I told my girlfriend that I wanted a pork pie hat, she had no idea what it was. So her roommate explained it to her: "Imagine a pig playing a banjo; the kind of hat he would wear".

Anyways, I like this song, and hope you didn't destroy the gangster version. It would be interesting to see. Some of the rhymes need to be cleaned up in this, mainly bought/sport, lambrettas/stilettos, and A23/way. It would help keep the song a bit more consistent in rhyme scheme.

Good work!


   
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Bob
 Bob
(@bob)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Ray

I like this it makes a great interpretation of the chorus and fits that quadrophenia reference well (I saw it again only a month or so ago).

Some forced rhymes but overall I think it's really good.

Bob :wink:

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You are what you eat, eat well


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Ray,

I enjoyed that well done, in terms of the whole feel of the song I didnt have a problem with the rhyme at all. I do wonder whether the the bridge my be a little long (or is it just the one paragraph ?). Overall a good effort if you ask me, well done.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
Topic starter  

Thanks guys.
I do wonder whether the the bridge may be a little long (or is it just the one paragraph ?).

Yes it is only the first paragraph - I decided the last verse should follow the bridge rather than the chorus.

This issue of 'forced' rhymes or 'oblique' rhymes as I prefer to call them, keeps coming up on this forum.

It may be my phrasing but believe me I don't put them in if they don't work to my ears. Stilletos I tend to pronounce as stillettas rather than stilletoes. I believe occasionally rhyming 'A' with 'E' and 'I' liberates the writing and the listening e.g 'A twenty three' with 'get away' or 'entropy' with 'holiday' is fine by me (and Peter Gabriel and many other writers I admire).

Restricting rhymes to exact syllables is really restrictive and tends to lead to some very predictable phrasing IMHO :wink: Though I can't understand why such a great writer as Roy Orbison did the following on the Wilburies' 'Handle With Care'

I still have some love to give
won't you show me that you really care

when the obvious is

I have still have some love to share
won't you show me that you really care

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 17 years ago
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Restricting rhymes to exact syllables is really restrictive and tends to lead to some very predictable phrasing IMHO

I agree entirely

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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