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Y10 W41 - Home Again

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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

A rough first draft of the lyrics. That's as far as I can go for now. I'll be off the grid, camping away from it all.

verse:

Got a call from a childhood friend
Who had never moved out.
She wanted me to go home again.
She lives in her mother's house.

chorus:

My friend Kelly is stuck in time,
Reliving our happy days.
And I find myself redefined
When I'm home again in that time and place.

verse:

There were books piled on the piano
That she no longer played,
Stacks of paper on the stereo,
Dusty cassettes in crates.

chorus

verse:

She offered me a drink.
And started to rinse a glass
From the dirty dishes in the sink.
I said that I would pass.

verse:

A musty smell rose from the basement,
A reminder of last spring's rain.
Outside grass grew through the pavement
And the weeds had free rein.

chorus

verse:

Kelly and I used to sing and play
And try to work out chords.
Or talk for hours on a summer's day.
She doesn't make music anymore.

outro:

I decided to go home again,
But it wasn't there.
The town had grown.
And so had I.

Renee


   
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John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

And I find myself redefined

And started to rinse a glass

And the weeds had free rein.

And try to work out chords.

And so had I.
I would drop all the instances of phrases that start with "And" except for the last one. It's just my preference. I try to edit out all the extra conjunctions that are basically just beat fillers.


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

I REALLY like the feeling of this. I concur with MrEWorm's comments. Sometimes we throw in words just to get the rhythm right in our head, but over a few re-writes, you find you can pare them down a bit. That was hard for me to learn, and still challenging.

The sentiment, the feeling, the emotion of the experience you describe definitely comes through.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Also meant to mention, -- I love the Outro. I've experienced that personally, and I'm sure many of your listeners will have also. So it definitely resonates.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Really Nice, Renee! :mrgreen: Very descriptive...it helps the listener/reader so much

Suggestion: consider revising the last section:

I decided to go home again,
But it wasn't there.
The town had grown.
And so had I.

............maybe like this.......

I decided to go home again,
But it wasn't there IN This town I had OUTgrown.

reason....nothing in the lyrics implies the town had grown....they are examples of a friend who hadn't seemed to grow/change much at all....the singer, however, it the one who had grown and can never go back to the way things were b/c she has changed.

I hope you have pleasant travels :D

James


   
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John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

It reminds me of Paul Simon's My Little Town

"Everything's the same
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town "


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Renee

Like this a lot - the verses are chock full of powerful moments. So much so, in fact, I found the outro entirely redundant. Not really sure you need it. The first two lines:
I decided to go home again,
But it wasn't there.

are the heart of each verse, where you effectively show this, rather than simply telling it, as you do here. And James' observations of the last lines are good ones but I truly don't think you need the section at all. Leaving the last line as:
She doesn't make music anymore.

and not having an outro is about as powerful an ending as one could want to have for this song.

Hope you enjoy your camping this week and I look forward to hearing this with music.

Peace


   
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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

I'm back from camping and back to this song. Thanks to all who took the time to comment. I hope to get the time to see what everyone else has posted before I get too far behind.

I changed the lyrics a bit, mostly because the music ended up being 3/4 time. I'm still squeezing the lyrics into the timing and will need to do some more revisions.

I also removed the outro, as David suggested. That hurt because those were the very first lines that I wrote for this song. When all was done, they were not needed.

I looked at MrEworm's suggestion to remove the "ands." I did take out some of them, but I don't think that using "and" is inherently bad.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11828217

verse:

Heard from a childhood friend
Who had never moved out.
She wanted me to go home again.
She lives in her mother's house.

chorus:

My friend Kelly is stuck in time,
Reliving our happy days.
I find myself redefined
When I'm home again in that time and place.

verse:

Books piled on the piano
That she no longer played,
Stacks of paper on the stereo,
Dusty cassettes in crates.

chorus

verse:

She offered me a drink,
Started to rinse a glass
From dirty dishes in the sink.
I said I would pass.

verse:

Musty smell from the basement,
From last spring's rain.
Outside grass through the pavement
And weeds with free rein.

chorus

Renee


   
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John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

I'm not sure about using the homonym's rain and rein as a rhyming pair

"Homonyms have the same sounds- ( too, two ) (weight, wait) etc. Rhymes are unrelated words that have the same ending sounds- ( moon, June ) ( duration, motivation) etc.

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_homonyms_and_rhyming#ixzz24IdDWpnx "


   
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