I've been playing around with this all week. I like the (short) chorus. I've changed the tune, chords, lyrics and rhythm for the verses many times. I've also dropped it all down one step from where I originally had it.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11820775
chorus:
Brian, I don't know what I've stayed here for.
Brian, don't follow me out this door.
verse:
Brian, I hate to see things end this way,
But it's time for me to walk away.
They say that fools rush in
And you've gone where I haven't been.
Not sayin' I'm an angel.
I just don't live for danger.
Brian, I still love you,
But I hate what you put me through.
chorus
verse:
I won't be here for the next crisis
When you decide to take a risk.
Living on the fringe.
It makes me come unhinged.
I don't picture us growing old.
My life always on hold.
It's a deal you can't negotiate.
You can't buy my heart cut rate.
chorus
verse:
The last time you landed in court
With money and no means of support,
You think you're Heaven-sent.
The world is your playpen.
I need more than an "I love you."
I need you to have a clue.
You were never much for romance.
But, Brian, I gave you a chance
chorus
Renee
I like the refrain, can't listen to recording yet will comment on that later
Hi Renee
Catchy tune! And I'm glad you changed the key - this one seems comfortable for your vocal range.
There are a lot of great pairs of lines here, especially this one from the third verse:
I need more than an "I love you."
I need you to have a clue.
I keep thinking that should you decide to expand the chorus a bit, you might want to add these to it. Since you have four choruses, you could do the first two with the original two lines and then add these to the last two. The "I need you to have a clue" seems like a great tag line.
Looking forward to more.
Peace
Hi Renee,
There are a lot of great things going on here with some clever lines, nice melody and interesting chord progressions :mrgreen:
Looks like we might have written about the same couple (Brian and Angelina) this week from different "he says/she says" points of view :lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks for sharing.
James
I like the syncopation and the tempo variations. The repeated use of the name "Brian" was interesting. It reminds me of when I was yelled ate and the person yelling used my full name.
It's a good key for you but I'm still hoping to hear what your voice sounds like when you let go and get loud.
Thanks to all for the comments.
David, good suggestions on how to expand the chorus.
Mr. EWorm, I thought about the songs that include a person's name. Many of them repeat the name a lot, e.g "Angie." So I decided to do that too.
James, yes this could be the other side of the story for your song.
Renee
