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Y10W52 The Apocalypse came yesterday


(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

No doom here. Not sure about the music yet. Definately something upbeat.

THE APOCALYPSE CAME YESTERDAY

The Apocalypse came yesterday
but nothing’s really changed
do you think there would be a better way
that life would be arranged

what did you expect to happen
a revelation or two
and now what’s your reaction
that your life’s left up to you

The heavens opened, the sun came out
nothing pointed to our doom
there wasn’t any need to shout
none of us were consumed

do you think you know what evil is
can you separate it from the good
can you possibly know what’s yours from his
can it be misunderstood

The Apocalypse has come and past
it didn’t take very long
have we finally learned that life will last
now that the fear is gone

The heavens opened, the sun came out
nothing pointed to our doom
there wasn’t any need to shout
none of us were consumed

It happened while I was sleeping
it happened in a dream
everyone stopped weeping
at least that’s how it seemed

and we all stood on our own two feet
we didn’t need a crutch
what was once unfinished was now complete
we’re no longer in a rush

The heavens opened, the sun came out
nothing pointed to our doom
there wasn’t any need to shout
none of us were consumed

The Apocalypse came yesterday
but nothing’s really changed
do you think there would be a better way
that life could be arranged

what did you expect to happen
a revelation or two
and now what’s your reaction
that your life’s left up to you

The heavens opened, the sun came out
nothing pointed to our doom
there wasn’t any need to shout
none of us were consumed


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Hi Neil,

It reads well :D

Reminds me of Y2K
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_2000_problem

Thanks for sharing.

James


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 948
 

I agreaa with James. I like the read. I hope you make a recording of this.


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Hi Neil

A good start with some thoughtful ideas here. One of the choices you're facing is that of narrative tone. As it stands now, it's a bit of a mix. Take the first two stanzas, for instance:
The Apocalypse came yesterday
but nothing’s really changed
do you think there would be a better way
that life would be arranged

what did you expect to happen
a revelation or two
and now what’s your reaction
that your life’s left up to you

The first two lines of each stanza are wonderfully direct and conversational, while the second two of each are more of the literal. They read well but they aren't what a person would normally say as part of a conversation. The second stanza could be an easy fix:

what did you expect to happen
a revelation or two
and how do you react
now that your life’s left up to you

It's not that you can't have this mixed narrative, but (at least to me) your strongest lines come when you are more conversational and less poetic. The strongest stanza of the whole song is:

It happened while I was sleeping
it happened in a dream
everyone stopped weeping
at least that’s how it seemed

And every time I read that I can't help thinking that the whole song might be stronger if each line was more direct and less passive.

As always, a pleasure to read. Looking forward to both hearing the music and and examining how you move from this draft.

Peace


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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 607
 

This reads well to me, although I thought it was a bit odd that you repeated verses. Not that it's wrong, just that I used to use a very formulaic approach, I'd repeat choruses, but I didn't repeat verses. But it could work out very well.

David, when you say "more direct and less passive", are you talking about active vs. passive voice? Because if so, taking a single line as an example -- "It happened while I was sleeping" -- that's clearly passive, but I'm not sure how one would change that to active. Thoughts?

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


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(@andygetch)
Reputable Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 328
 

Hi NeilIt's not that you can't have this mixed narrative, but (at least to me) your strongest lines come when you are more conversational and less poetic.
Hi Neil, I like it so far. As a suggestion, if you go with the mixture, Then when changing narration perspective, maybe some type of major change in the song like different singer, high voice to low voice, different key, tempo or time signature to emphasize it. Just a thought.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1228093


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

David, when you say "more direct and less passive", are you talking about active vs. passive voice? Because if so, taking a single line as an example -- "It happened while I was sleeping" -- that's clearly passive, but I'm not sure how one would change that to active. Thoughts?

In this particular case you could use the first line because it sets up a specific time for the rest of the stanza. But you could easily switch it up a bit:

It happened in our sleeping hours
it happened in our dreams
everyone stopped weeping
at least that’s how it seemed

Just a thought. There are definitely other ways as well. The key to making something active is to concentrate on the what you, as a writer, thinks is the main action. The above example works for stress that the apocalyse happened. But you can also shift the emphasis from the action of the apocalypse happening to the sleeping that occurred, which might even make the song stronger:

We all slept through the apocalypse
it happened in our dreams
everyone stopped weeping
at least that’s how it seemed

It's tinkering with lines in this manner that can sometimes create a stronger focus for a song. And it's why, quite often, the rewrite is where most of the actually crafting of the song comes in.

Peace


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