OK, so bear with me on this one. :)
OK, so the asignment was A movie from my birth year ['65] starting with B for my last name. Well We went with "A Patch of Blue" Next was that it was first person from the outlook of a 10-15 year old. OK. so Im lucky to have a 10 year old in the house, so I well versed in some things a pre teen girl goes through!!
This is my first try at the SSG. Ive wrote a few songs before... but nothing that I would call good, or eaven done. That being said I have a little more work to do to this one also. I know a few things that need work on it... But figure I would keep that to myself and see what you all come up with for issues. :D
Also Im not realy skilled with coming up with the music. Ive been messing around... but had not realy came up with anything I like, so sorry that at this point its just lyrics. Im still working on it, but wanted to get this out for input. Thanks for reading!!
A Patch of Blue
The bell rings. Secrets known
All of the story's we have told
Words are said. Story's flow
Things that no one should have known
Lies and truth
They are the same
I had no clue that things had changed
What we had was fun and games
A patch of blue will ease the pain
Friends fade. Trust is past
Will I ever find friends that last
Lies and truth
They are the same
I had no clue that things had changed
What we had was fun and games
A patch of blue will ease the pain
Paul B
It's kind of sad. 10 years old isn't the same as when I was a kid. Very nice lyric.
It's kind of sad. 10 years old isn't the same as when I was a kid. Very nice lyric.
I do tend to write sad/moody.. Hard to bypass that. And again.. I was looking through the eyes of a preteen/young teen girl... they as a rule are a moody bunch. :)
Thanks
Paul B
Hi Paul,
Welcome to SSG :mrgreen:
Congrats on getting the first one posted :wink: I'm not quite following the lyrics at this point, so I will just post my thought process and you can decide if you are making an assumption or if it's meant to be a mystery
A Patch of Blue INTERSTING TITLE -POSSIBLY FLOWERS
The bell rings. Secrets known -AT SCHOOL?; HALLWAY GOSSIP
All of the story's we have told- MAYBE NOT GOSSIP BUT CLASS LECTURE....is the singer a student or teacher?
Words are said. Story's flow- WORDS ARE SAID SEEMS MORE A FILLER COULD BE SOMETHING STRONGER; and it's already implied in previous line "story's we have told- RIGHT NOW I AM WANTING TO KNOW WHO TOLD THE STORIES
Things that no one should have known- SOUNDS LIKE A COVERUP- MORE LIKE MILITARY OR POLITICAL
- SO RIGHT NOW, AFTER THE FIRST VERSE, I DON'T KNOW WHO IS TALKING TO WHOM, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF SECRET IT IS.....ALL OF WHICH COULD/SHOULD BE CLEAR ALREADY
Lies and truth- OK ABOUT WHAT?
They are the same - ??? OK ABOUT WHAT?
I had no clue that things had changed - I HAVE NO CLUE WHO "I" IS OR WHAT THINGS ARE OR WHAT HAS CHANGED
What we had was fun and games- WHO IS WE? WHAT IS FUN AND GAMES?
A patch of blue will ease the pain- WHAT PAIN, FROM WHAT? -PATCH OF BLUE- MAYBE DRUGS?, BUT ARE THEY FORCED ON THE SINGER OR ILLEGAL DRUGS SELF-PRESCRIBED?
Friends fade. Trust is past- WHAT FRIENDS? FADE- MEANS DEAD? FALLEN BY THE WAYSIDE? TRUST IN WHAT?
Will I ever find friends that last- WHY DOES THE SINGER NOT HAVE FRIENDS
........so these are questions that come up for me reading through the lyrics. Consider filling in some details that might help the reader/listener be on the same page as you so the message can come across in the lyrics.
Thanks for sharing :D
James
Those damn tattle tales (that's the last time I ever tell her anything) :D .
Anyway that's my take on your song. Pretty good really considering your 40+ writing from a 10 year olds perspective of the world, I like it. Not sure what the "A patch of blue will ease the pain" means in the context I've described above, a break in the weather perhaps, if so I dont think that's consistent with a 10 year old view, not a show stopper by any means though.
Anyway good work , and welcome to SSG. Recordings have never been mandatory in fact they're really just something that helps the delivery of the song and lets people understand the meter.
cheers
Paul
Thanks for the advice Jamestoffee.
You know... I kinda was going for that a little bit.. Other things I have tryed to write I belive I have added too much information. Too cut and dry, and spelled out. Sitting down, and listening to a lot of music I found that a lot of good songs are so much more vague, or obscure. I am thinking that being that way can kind of suck in more listeners becouse it allows them to fit them selves into the song better.How many songs have you realy connected too, only to find out it was writen with a totoly diferent subject matter then you thought? Maybe I have moved too far to the other side??
Paul B
Those damn tattle tales (that's the last time I ever tell her anything) :D .
Anyway that's my take on your song. Pretty good really considering your 40+ writing from a 10 year olds perspective of the word, I like it. Not sure what the "A patch of blue will ease the pain" means in the context I've described above, a break in the weather perhaps, if so I dont think that's consistent with a 10 year old view, not a show stopper by any means though.
Anyway good work , and welcome to SSG. Recordings have never been mandatory in fact they're really just something that helps the delivery of the song and lets people understand the meter.
cheers
Paul
Thanks Paul.
So I have been tossing around some kind of a bridge that might fill in the blank a little... but It just hasnt fit into the feeling yet... Still tossing it around.
As for the feeling I was going for... Well I have a 10 year old daughter. She had a real close friend, that she spent a lot of time with. They were very close, and not a weekend went by that they were not at ones house, or the others. Well out of the blue this friend started blaming everything that had ever gone wrong in her life on my daughter. Every word, every little spat got turned around and tossed in her face. It was a real rough time for her, and she took it real hard. We as adults have been through it many times over our lives, but seeing her go through it for the first time was rough. So thats the outlook I was writing from.
Paul B
I am thinking that being that way can kind of suck in more listeners becouse it allows them to fit them selves into the song better.
I think Andrea Stople was on to something in her book Popular Lyric Writing: 10 Steps to Effective Storytelling
You can look in the First pages preview
Sh points out specific sensory details help the listeners connect......that's a great way to allow the listeners to fit themselves into the song better.
I like obscurity, James likes mclarity. hint: James is a MUCH better song writer but his influence still hasn't changed me.
I like obscurity, James likes mclarity. hint: James is a MUCH better song writer but his influence still hasn't changed me.
LOL!!! Good point.
Paul B
I am thinking that being that way can kind of suck in more listeners becouse it allows them to fit them selves into the song better.
I think Andrea Stople was on to something in her book Popular Lyric Writing: 10 Steps to Effective Storytelling
You can look in the First pages preview
Sh points out specific sensory details help the listeners connect......that's a great way to allow the listeners to fit themselves into the song better.
Thanks. Ill check that out.
Paul B
I like obscurity, James likes mclarity............but his influence still hasn't changed me.
:lol: No worries there. There's not one song for everyone for sure.
I really don't like Bob Dylan or Joni Mitchel's music, but enough people do that I keep trying to figure out "what works".....a lot of metaphors and sensory details; which I find the hardest to do "naturally"........but do seem to "work" for "good/great songs"
........but John is right, I do like clarity.....I sing along with Coldplay and think "what am I saying anyway?" and one of my favorite songs musically definitely lacks clarity; which I find disappointing......
Imogene Heap -Hide and Seek
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4OLQB7ON9w
..............so yes, you can write obscure songs ( as music takes the lead between music and lyrics)- it probably means the music, or rhythm needs to be up a notch.......
3 elements of a song- music, lyrics, rhythm.......one should be a strong point of a song. IMHO :wink:
.................in all, though, it's not about conforming.............it's about GROWTH, for each of us as songwriters......
:note2: :note1: :note2: [group hug in represented in musical smilies]
While you are checking things out, you might want to sign up for this free songwriting course that JUST started........
I finished the first videos...........it's AWESOME!!!
Free Songwriting Course Starts Mar 1, 2013
https://www.coursera.org/course/songwriting
