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Y11 Week 31 The Pri...
 
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Y11 Week 31 The Prisoner

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(@mlazare)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

Went in all different directions but ended up with a 12 bar blue theme

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12359727
The Prisoner

They say I shot my Baby, laid her down to rest
They say I shot my Baby, laid her down to rest
I swear I didn't do it but I did confess.

The judge he found me guilty, sentenced me to life
The judge he found me guilty, sentenced me to life
I'm sending you away for killing your wife.

Now I am a prisoner, I'm doing hard time
Now I am a prisoner, I'm doing hard time
I'll spend my life in here though I didn't do the crime.

I said I didn't do it but I know who did
I said I didn't do it but I know who did
Spend my life in prison to protect my kid.

They say I shot my Baby, laid her down to rest
They say I shot my Baby, laid her down to rest
I swear I didn't do it but I did confess.


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Mark,

Good job :D Nice twist/revelation about the murderer.

This line could use some tweaking b/c the point of view is out of sync:

I'm sending you away for killing your wife.

change to.....

He's sending me away for killing my wife.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
 

Yes, that one line was from a different POV. It could be changed to:

He said "I'm sending you away for killing your wife."

Up until the verse about taking the rap for his kid, I thought there wasn't much to the story. Nice twist and it makes the lyrics memorable.

Renee


   
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(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 946
 

Good writing ideas. You have the basis for a good song. It could use some tweaking and clarification. Keep on truckin'


   
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