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Y12, W10 - 2014....with re-write.


(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
Topic starter  

Not an awful lot to say about this one, except - it's a rough first draft. I don't actually think it's too bad as is....been over it a few times and made corrections as and where I thought necessary. It's a bit autobiographical - only the phone number has been changed to protect the first wife.

Two-Oh-One-Four

Two-oh-one-four, is not a number I'll ever forget,
It was my girlfriend's number and I called her every day.
She became my wife and to my everlasting regret,
I screwed up big-style and threw it all away.

Eighty-one and eighty-two, we had a couple of kids,
Best thing that ever happened to me.
But eighty-three and eighty-four everything went on the skids,
Everything went wrong that I could not foresee.

I lost my job, and I lost my wife,
I lost my home and family,
Didn't see the kids for a couple of years,
She tried to keep them away from me.....

Eighty-five I met someone else, thought it'd be a one-night stand,
We got together on a blind date, suggested by friends,
But she got pregnant, I couldn't leave, though it wasn't planned,
Another kid, but this time I wouldn't bend...

I'd lost one job, I'd lost one wife,
I'd already lost one family,
I'd lost touch with my kids,
That wasn't going to happen again to me....

Ninety-eight, I met someone special, who became so important to me,
Friends at first then lovers soon, I was a single parent then,
She took care of my pre-pubescent daughter, like she was born to be,
A substitute mother who did a great job, a real mother hen,

I got a new job and a new family,
Who warmed up to me over time,
And I love their kids like I love my own,
And the grand-kids like they were mine....

Twenty-fourteen, I'm living alone,
Had a lot of setbacks as you can see,
I'll never meet anyoneone like that again,
But I've still got the love of my family.....

And I think that's all I need....
______________________________________

Umm,did I say a "bit autobiographical?"....gave away a little - actually , a LOT! more than I meant to there - but hey, that's OK, you have to bare your soul every now and then, right?

As always, all suggestions for improvements gratefully received.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Definitely a lot autobiographical.

Part of the difficulty here is in not naming names. Not that you have to, but because no one has a name it's sometimes very difficult to figure out who is supposed to whomever.

The last stanza especially suffers because of this:
Twenty-fourteen, I'm living alone,
Had a lot of setbacks as you can see,
I'll never meet anyone like that again,
But I've still got the love of my family

Those of us who are already in on the story know who the "anyone" of the third line is. But the person listening to the whole song for the first time (and without the benefit of a scorecard or a backstory) can easily put in any of the earlier women from the earlier verses in there.

Plus, you make a big point of having numerous families, so maybe saying "I've got the love of all of my families" in the last line can help stress this point, that all the kids (and grandkids) make it worthwhile.

Other quibbles (for whatever they're worth):

I can't imagine it being easy to sing "prepubescent." But, then again, you've certainly surprised me with some great phrasing before.

The last line of the second stanza:
Eighty-one and eighty-two, we had a couple of kids,
Best thing that ever happened to me.
But eighty-three and eighty-four everything went on the skids,
Everything went wrong that I could not foresee.

is simply a rephrasing of the third line. Maybe playing off the "best thing" from line two can make it stronger:
But eighty-three and eighty-four everything went on the skids,
And the best thing became a misery.

Not sure I like that either, but maybe it will help with some ideas.

I've got to hand it to you, Vic, because it's not easy to be this transparent and personal, even painting with broad strokes. I think by focusing on where you want your narrator to be at the end, you can also help the listener understand the entire trip better.

The key word there, of course, is "listener." As songwriters, it's amazing how often we forget the little fact that the listener usually doesn't get to read the lyrics and therefore doesn't get the advantages we do here at the SSG in being able to analyze and critique through repeated readings. One way of dealing with that is to have someone else read your lyrics to you. Or you could always record them and listen to them in playback. But hearing someone else recite your lines and being an independent listener can help a writer realize when there is potential confusion over the details in a lyric.

Looking forward to seeing this get tightened up and eventually recorded. It's already very moving and powerful and can't help but be even more so with a little work.

Peace


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(@andygetch)
Reputable Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 328
 

Hi Vic,
Wow, that covers a lot of ground, I'm wondering how this might sound as an epic suite where its a 12-20 minute album side/song broken up into songlets ala side 2 of Abbey Road, or various stuff by 10cc, Rush, Yes, etc.. Or maybe focus a bit more on one particular phase, maybe thats the song, just thoughts, I don't know, my number is only threehundredsomething .

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1228093


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
Topic starter  

Thanks as always for comments.

When I've posted a new song - especially late at night - I usually leave it to the next day then re-read the lyrics before reading any comments. First thing I thought was, the very last stanza seems a bit remote, there's nothing connecting it to the rest of the song - like I've pressed fast-forward and gone too far! David, thanks for your thoughts on that - and a few other points to mull over.

Already got chords and melody in mind, a few lyrical adjustments to make and I may just do a rough demo MP3 later in the week. I have a feeling this may just turn out to be a keeper....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
Topic starter  

This has been one of the toughest re-writes I've ever had to do - so much to cram into one song, of necessity somethings have had to be glossed over or omitted, although I had to add another verse and a bridge to fill things out. I've also had to change the music I originally had in mind completely to fit the dynamics of the song, and alter the way I was phrasing certain lines - or change them lyrically - to fit.

Took me a few days to get the lyrics as close as I can get them to the mood(s) I want to get over, now I've got to work on phrasing, timing and delivery of the music before I TRY to record a rough demo over the weekend. It will only be a rough demo...just a sketch, if you like, or an outline of where I'm going with this. No room for guitar fills or instrumentals just yet, this is looking like it's going to be a LONG song!

Anyway, here's the rewrite....

Two-Oh-One-Four (take 2...)

Two-oh-one-four, is not a number I'll ever forget,
Called my girl on the telephone every single day.
She became my wife but to my everlasting regret,
I messed up big-time and threw it all away.

Eighty-one and eighty-two, we had a couple of kids,
Best thing that ever happened to me.
But eighty-three and eighty-four everything went on the skids,
All the people I cared for, turned their backs on me...

I lost my job, and I lost my wife,
I lost my home and family,
Didn't see the kids for a couple of years,
She tried her best to keep them from me.....

Eighty-five I met someone else, thought it'd be a one-night stand,
We got together on a blind date, suggested by friends,
But she got pregnant, I couldn't leave, though it wasn't planned,
Another child, but this time I wouldn't bend...

I'd lost one job, I'd lost one wife,
I'd already lost one family,
I'd virtually lost touch with my kids,
That wasn't going to happen again to me....

Ninety-eight, I met someone special, who became so important to me,
Friends at first then lovers soon, I'd been a single parent so long,
She took care of my youngest daughter, like she was born to be,
Substitute mum did a wonderful job, with a love so strong,

I got a new job and a new family,
Who warmed up to me over time,
And I love their kids like I love my own,
And the grand-kids like they were mine....

2012 was a dreadful year, the worst I've ever known,
The love of my life was taken from me,
It took a long time to realise, I wasn't alone,
Gradually came to terms with loneliness and misery,

I'm a survivor, always will be,
Been hurt before and bounced straight back,
This time it wasn't so easy to shed the pain,
I made a hell of a lot of mistakes,
Along the way, but I finally came through,
And learned to live with myself again....

Twenty-fourteen, I'm living alone,
Had a lot of setbacks as you can see,
I'll never meet anyone like that again,
But I've still got the love of my family.....

And I think that's all I need....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Hi Vic,

This is one of those times it might be better to switch artistic forms to express an idea. To try to fit a lifetime into a song is quite a challenge; especially when it's autobiographical, but if the muse in you is persistent, we'll take a listen to the recording

Thanks for sharing.

James


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