Skip to content
Y12 W12&13 The ...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Y12 W12&13 The Ballad of Kwame ( The Man Who Would Be King)

6 Posts
5 Users
0 Likes
1,549 Views
mlazare
(@mlazare)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

This song combines the last 2 assignments, a political figure and a bad guy !!

The Ballad of Kwame (The Man Who Would Be King )

I'm the man who would be king
I once ruled over everything
Living large til my kingdom fell
Now I'm sitting here trapped inside this prison cell

I came to town with such promise and hope,
The people loved me like I was the Pope.
I took their trust and I ran to the bank,
I have all of the voters to thank.
If you want to do business here
There's a rule that I must make clear.
"Tell me what's in it for me "
In this town nothing ever happens for free.

I'm the man who would be king
I once ruled over everything
Living large til my kingdom fell
Now I'm sitting here trapped inside this prison cell

I slept with strippers and my chief of staff,
Stole pension money and had a great big laugh.
Made deals to help my greedy best friend,
I thought this lavish life style would never end.
If you try to get in my way
I'll see to it that you have to pay
You'll lose you job or maybe instead
You'll end up with a bullet right through your head.

I'm the man who would be king
I once ruled over everything
Living large til my kingdom fell
Now I'm sitting here trapped inside this prison cell

They called me into court to testify
Subpoenaed my texts that proved I lied.
The jury found me guilty and made me resign
They're all out to get me it's by design.
The Feds came calling and they charged me with more
It seemed they really want to settle the score.
They sent me away for 28 years
Don't cry for me I won't shed my tears.

I'm the man who would be king
I once ruled over everything
Living large til my kingdom fell
Now I'm sitting here trapped inside this prison cell

I brought the city to its knees
I pushed it to the edge of Bankruptcy.
If I could just get out of this place
I'd go back tomorrow and win the very next race.

I'm the man who would be king
I once ruled over everything
Living large til my kingdom fell
Now I'm sitting here trapped inside this prison cell.

Mark


   
Quote
Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
 

I vaguely remember the story by Rudyard Kipling. I don't know who Kwame is in your lyrics, but obviously not the original (I think real) character. You have a lot of present day references.

Some of the lines are good. I don't know what is meant by this one:

"Living large to my kingdom fell." Is it supposed to be 'til instead of to?

The king allegory gets lost with these lines, since kings typically don't get votes:

"I took their trust and I ran to the bank,
I have all of the voters to thank."

I also think there is a problem with tenses. If you're talking about the man who would be king, it's difficult to weave in what he did when he was king.

I would lose the word "subpoenaed." Too hard to sing and it doesn't fit the vocabulary of the rest of the song. How about "read my texts"?

Renee


   
ReplyQuote
mlazare
(@mlazare)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

Renee,

The story is about Kwame Kilpatrick the former Mayor of Detroit who is now serving prison time for dozens of charges. I have corrected the typo to read "til" instead of "to". Thanks for pointing that out. It's funny but I had "read my texts" and changed it to "subpoenaed" when I typed it on the forum. It actually sounds OK when I sing it. I will record it soon and update the post.


   
ReplyQuote
pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Nice :D

Looking forward to the mp3 if you get a chance to record it.

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Looks like a good start :D Nice story telling. When you sing/record it will help check the stressed syllables.....make sure they fall in the same place as they do when spoken.

For example:

I brought the city to its knees
I pushed it to the edge of Bankruptcy.

i BROUGHT the CI-ty to its KNEES
i PUSHED it to the EDGE of BANK-rupt-cy

not

i PUSHED it to the EDGE of BANK-rupt-CY

I look forward to the listen as well :wink:

-James


   
ReplyQuote
Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Looks fine to me....apart from one minor quibble. From the very start, you're telling the story in the past tense...and then here....

If you try to get in my way
I'll see to it that you have to pay
You'll lose you job or maybe instead
You'll end up with a bullet right through your head.

....you've wandered into the present. Then you go back into the past tense. Still, not too hard to fix...

"If you tried to get in my way,
I saw to it that you paid,
Lost your job or maybe instead,
Got a bullet through the head."

I'll leave it to you to fix line lengths meter and rhythm, it's your song....That's just a suggestion which can be improved upon.

Oh and yeah, definitely a bonus point for combining two assignments into one....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote