Skip to content

Forum

Y12 W12a ( aka W13 ...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Y12 W12a ( aka W13 ) Adult language

Page 1 / 2

(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

If course language offends then do not read any further

I have no title for this - Was watching an American Crime show an it just came to me as I watched - Maybe I should call it
C.S.I ...lol

Every one had feared him
Tho not many had seen him
He lived on his reputation
Intimidating in every situation

With the mention of his name
Terror and fear was regained
Women and children would hide
No woman wanted to be his bride

Coz he was a ......

Bad R's
He ran this town
a Real bad R's
Everything was going down

Every man carried a gun
Living in fear , it was no fun
Laughter an smiles were all gone
Death was emanate -Won't be long

Protection funds were needed
Traitors were all weeded
He ruled with a bloodied glove
He dealt out his own brand of love

Coz he was a ......

Bad R's
He ran this town
a Real bad R's
Everything was going down

It was one hot Summers night
Gun battle the worst bloody fight
Everyone hid an locked their doors
The Army came in to help the law

The shots screamed thro out the night
Lighting up the sacrificial skies
The sound of blood curdling yells
They sent that bastard straight to hell

Coz he was a ......

Bad R's
He ran this town
a Real bad R's
Everything was going down

Coz he was a ......

Bad R's
He ran this town
a Real bad R's
Yeah that mongrel went down

Trev...

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


Quote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

It's a good start, and it's a good story. BUT....I'm going to lay down a couple of laws here. Rule 1....never, ever, EVER use a word you haven't thoroughly researched. "Death was emanate -Won't be long" - sorry mate, but that line just doesn't make sense. Rule 2....and this comes from the Nick Torres list of rules. Never be satisfied with your first draft...go back, revise, edit - and repeat till you're happy with the 14th/15th draft.

Trev, you are NEVER going to be the greatest songwriter in the world...but I'll give you one thing, my friend, you are one of the world's great triers. Keep on trying, keep on writing...and I challenge you to prove me wrong! You WILL come up with a really great song one day....and I'll be the first person to clap and cheer when that happens. WHEN, not if.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

oh, and a little alert from the Grammar Police...coarse language...not course!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

Hi Vic

Well I had to write something or you would be on my case :P
It is a very very very rough draft , I thought post it an show Mr Lewis I am at least trying the topic " theme " as much as I struggle ding that :P
Why can't Death be emanate ?
Emanate means to send or come forth -
Death is coming forth it won't be long -
As far as the Police go - Well I expect them to always be there or their :P

Cheers
Trev..

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

Well Trev I think this is a good song in the making. I'm not really that keen on the last line of verse 2 doesn't really add anything that the line before it doesn't already tells us.
With the mention of his name
Terror and fear was regained
Women and children would hide
No woman wanted to be his bride
maybe something like this:
With the mention of his name
Terror and fear was regained
Women and children would hide
Even men would step aside
On second thought your line does work I just think that if it was mine I'd change it.
The chorus is almost there
Bad R's
He ran this town
a Real bad R's
Everything was going down
but maybe a tweek for the sake of the timing like:
Bad R's
In a way he ran this town
a Real bad R's
Into all that was going down

Instead of "Eminate" what about "Eminating" so:
Every man carried a gun
Living in fear , it was no fun
Laughter an smiles were all gone
Death was emanate -Won't be long
becomes
Every man carried a gun
Living in fear , it was no fun
Laughter an smiles were all gone
Death emanating -Won't be long
like I said Trev I like this, I sang your lyrics to a F#m, A, B, F#m progression and it works ok, well done.


Check out my Reverbnation page here


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

Hey Paul ,

Thanks for the reply an suggesting the changes , I kind of like them :) As previously said , very rough draft , have sang it myself in my head
( because the world not ready to hear me sing just yet ha ha ha )
Having a massive Low hovering over the coast line here - So this will be put on the back burner until I know my daughter up north is safe an well .

Appreciate the feed back Vic and Paul

Trev...

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Hi Trev

This sounds like it could be a lot of fun to sing and play. Depending on your audience, you'd certainly be able to get everyone to join in singing the chorus.

I'm also in the "anti-emanate" crowd, but mostly because the word is a bit much compared to the words chosen for the rest of the narrative style. This is a tale told in plain, simple words and tossing in "emanate" serves as more of an unwanted distraction. I'd just keep it as plain and honest as the other parts of the verse. Maybe something like:
Every man carried a gun
Living in fear , it was no fun
Laughter an smiles were all gone
Death is coming for you -Won't be long

Just a thought.

And, unless you've regressed significantly, I remember you as having a decent singing voice!

Looking forward to more.

Peace


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

Hi David -

I had a giggle at what you said about my singing voice - I seriously can't sing but thank you for the kind words :)

I 'm not going to get bogged down over 1 word in this - When time permits I will get 1 of my guitars out an mess about with this -
Paul has done more on this than I have he actually strummed a few chords - I have only sang it in my head - As previously mentioned a tropical low is hovering around the north of Queensland up where my daughter lives that is my focus right now .

Thank you for the reply David

Trev... 8)

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i184/ ... 1d2491.jpg

http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i184/ ... b50b60.jpg

There she is :) :P :P :P :P :P :P :P

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

Trev the link doesn't work :(


Check out my Reverbnation page here


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

OK then on Photo Bucket I have these options ..
Email & IM
Direct -
HTML -
IMG

Which one do all you guys an Ladies use ? ... I 'm new to this posting photos thing LOL

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

IMG will put the photo straight up....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

pBee, the links Trev posted on the news forum are OK....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
Topic starter  

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

Nice :D , I suppose you will have to call it Benny, something to keep Frida company or maybe Ragnar.

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


ReplyQuote
Page 1 / 2