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Y12 W14 - Dancing with Ghosts

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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Still working on the music.

DANCING WITH GHOSTS

I’m dancing in the dark but no one can see
just who it is that is dancing with me
I should be dreaming but I’m awake
I’m dancing with memories I can’t escape

just a simple two step, who leads, who follows
when yesterday is gone and there is no tomorrow
the rhythm is slow much like a heartbeat
the melody is haunting, somber and bittersweet

So I dance, dance, dance with ghosts
I dance with the one I loved the most
I dance, dance, dance with my fears
And I’ll dance till it brings an end to the tears

dancing with ghosts late at night
no one to watch this haunting sight
in the darkness who knows what we see
lost in the shadows of distant memories

I dance the macabre, I’m not alone
the ghosts are real, I hear them moan
but when there’s silence I hear your name
now that you’re gone nothing’s the same

So I dance, dance, dance with ghosts
I dance with the one I loved the most
I dance, dance, dance with my fears
And I’ll dance till it brings an end to the tears
I’ll dance till it brings an end to the tears


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Neil,
this is good :D. I do think you could drop this verse though
dancing with ghosts late at night
no one to watch this haunting sight
in the darkness who knows what we see
lost in the shadows of distant memories
The first half is pretty much a repeat of V1 and the last half doesn't really add much.
Look forward to hearing it.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@grungesunset)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 342
 

It looks good Neil.

I'm not sure what you have in mind for music but when I read it, I heard a soft ballad in my head. Possibility an opera.

"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Neil,

Good start.

I like this:

I should be dreaming but I’m awake
I’m dancing with memories I can’t escape

I'm not sure v2 is needed because you are talking about the music, but when it's a song, the listener will be hearing the music; you won't need to tell them

"the rhythm is slow much like a heartbeat
the melody is haunting, somber and bittersweet"

"I’m dancing in the dark but no one can see"....this is a bit awkward b/c no one sees in the dark already.

Also, you have some contradictions as to who the singee is, or who the singer is dancing with......

memories, ghosts (plural), the ONE I love the most, my fears.....It's confusing

the ghosts are real, I hear them moan.....dancing with ghosts or listening to?
but when there’s silence I hear your name
now that "you’re gone" nothing’s the same....that person is a ghost, too. How do you know it's not the singee moaning since he/she is also a ghost?

Take or toss as you see fit. :wink:

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Neil

Nice work here. The only suggestion I'd make in addition to the others is to go a step further with specifics in this line:
just a simple two step, who leads, who follows

If we're talking about the ghost of a loved one (as it certainly sounds like we are), then there's no need to be ambiguous here. You might go with:
just a simple two step, I'll lead and you'll follow

And if you want to get ambiguous, you can simply repeat the line (or even the whole verse) later and swap the pronouns:
just a simple two step, you lead and I'll follow

Looking forward to hearing this with music one day.

Peace


   
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