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(@glprattimages)
Active Member
Joined: 8 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

I feel out of place just posting my lyrics after listening to all the great music that gets posted by everyone else. But since I'm behind the times on recording equipment, I'll just have to post the words and a idea of the tune behind them. This one has a power cord punk/metal feel to it.

Dancing With Ghosts

In a room full of memories
I sit all alone

Looking in the mirror
Staring into the unknown

The haunting images
seared into my brain

Memories of the past
Drive me insane

Spin and turn
twist and twirl
A macabre tango
With demons of the past

I dance with ghosts
Haunted by my past

All along I'm hoping
The nightmares won't last

spin and turn
twist and twirl
A bizarre waltz
With demons of the past


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(@rparker)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 5492
 

I can dig it. I see where you're going. should be a cool tune.

One line seems a bit confusing:
"I dance with ghosts
Haunted by my past"

It reads like the ghosts are haunted by your past. Perhaps something like this, but less wordy.
"I dance with ghosts
haunting me from my past"

Roy
"I wonder if a composer ever intentionally composed a piece that was physically impossible to play and stuck it away to be found years later after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy." - George Carlin


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Good start. :D

I like the brevity of the lines, but they are doing well at conveying the mood.

Suggestion: Consider calling out some of those demons or ghosts by name so the reader/listener can be on the same page as to why the singer is feeling tormented.

Thanks for sharing.

James


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(@glprattimages)
Active Member
Joined: 8 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

Thanks for the feedback guys. As always, it's greatly appreciated!
James, can you give me an example of what you're suggesting? I ask because I tried a couple of lines I thought were close to what you are talking about in my original draft and they didn't seem to fit.


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

James, can you give me an example of what you're suggesting?

I think better than giving you a line or two, I’ll ask questions and you can decide where clarification might help in communicating the lyrics.....so these questions do not ALL have to be answered, but might be insights as to assumptions you’re making on the listeners behalf.......

In a room full of memories –Where is the room? A house? Bed room? Attic? Kid’s room? Basement? Garage? Etc....Ballet studio? A hospital? Commercial building? Boxing ring? Prison cell? Government building?
What types of memories? Happy? Sad? Shared? Family? Historic?

I sit all alone- Why sitting? Physically unable? Tired? Job related? Why not dancing?

Looking in the mirror- Why mirror? Does this room typically have a mirror?

Staring into the unknown- what is unknown? Past? Present? Future? What happened in the room? What happened outside the room?

The haunting images- images of what/who in the room? Outside the room?

seared into my brain- indicts fire self-inflicted? Damage done by friend, family, enemy?

Memories of the past
Drive me insane---why “drive” that is a road metaphor/image try to find image from within the room...what actions or behaviors could "show" insane instead of tell?

Spin and turn- how when sitting? When the physical action between sitting and standing take place? Who or what is doing the action?
twist and twirl
A macabre tango
With demons of the past- self-inflicted? Just or unjust consequence of actions?

I dance with ghosts
Haunted by my past- personal choices? Job related? Reactionary? Pro-active? Vengeful? Apathy?

All along I'm hoping- who has control? Self? Demon? Another person?
The nightmares won't last- why not leave the room?

spin and turn
twist and twirl
A bizarre waltz- tango indicates passion waltz is more refined or controlled movements....why the change of dance style....explore the implications of both
With demons of the past

So these are all questions I cannot find in the lyrics but choosing some aspects to focus on will bring character to the lyrics.

Take or toss as you see fit


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

I like it :D .
I think there is a balance between what is said and what is left unsaid and you as the author have decide how much of each. What James is saying is valid, but for me not being so explicit allows the listener to make up their own story. Its a fine balance cos generally in a live situation the audience wont hear most of what is sung anyway.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@glprattimages)
Active Member
Joined: 8 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

Again, thanks to everyone for the feedback. I'm writing another draft with some of the suggestions made.


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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2725
 

It's been years since I posted, but here's a link to song that was posted by Mesa Monster a few years back. It was something I downloaded and added to my collection of mp3s.
I don't know if he is still posting on this forum.

When he was looking for a name for the song, I suggested Warlock Waltz.
I only thought of it because you had the word waltz in it . . .
and the song is great guitar playing and this was an excuse to get others to hear it.

https://app.box.com/shared/hrd3twp440

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Don't worry about just posting lyrics - sometimes that's all a songwriter can churn out, especially on short notice like this!

But if you do have musical ideas, that's a good start. And giving us a musical
overview, as you did, certainly helps. Can definitely get the punk / power chord vibe off this. Well done.

Peace


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