Skip to content
Y12 W15-First time ...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Y12 W15-First time submitting

6 Posts
5 Users
0 Likes
1,463 Views
(@wilcoman)
Eminent Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 23
Topic starter  

I'm just starting to try and write songs. I was thinking about switching this one over to first person, but I'm not sure. Anyway, here is my first entry into the Sunday Songwriters Group. I look forward to trying to contribute here more in the future as well.

I might be a real rough version from sound cloud up this weekend…

Cadet

He walked the halls with head held high
Didn’t care about school, didn’t even try
Sports star, who got all the girls
Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls

Everyone wanted to be his friend
He was at every party until the end
He dropped the ball in the big game
His life has never been the same

C:Now he’s caught in a desert
He’s got no women or wine
He doesn’t have a clean shirt
He’s thinking about ending time

Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
He got stuck under the iron fist

C:Now he’s caught in a desert
He’s got no women or wine
He doesn’t have a clean shirt
He’s thinking about ending time


   
Quote
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi wilcoman,

Welcome to SSG :D

Looks like you've got a good start here with these lyrics.

Nice job on the story telling with the past leading to the present and possible future.

This line is a bit open ended....which isn't a bad thing......

"He’s thinking about ending time" as it could be ending "time" as in suicide or leaving his "time" to his committed assignment.....or "ending time" as in finishing his assignment.....maybe the melody will clarify....or maybe you want it vague.

Suggestions:
#1 Consider revising this line to fit with the school imagery
"Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls"
....or if not school, foreshadow the desert life to come in the chorus

#2 Consider the fit of the title and chorus.

Cadet suggests a student in training for the military service
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cadet

This would imply the chorus is a "field exercise"....which should not be too difficult for a sports star.......

On the other hand, if the title is Soldier....or like the show title "Enlisted"....or "Jarhead" and the chorus was about a war situation, that would up the stakes and bring in the idea of suicide or looking forward to the end of the tour more in line with a life/death situation

I look forward to the sound clip.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
ReplyQuote
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hello and welcome to the SSG!

As James says, this is a great start. He's already hit most of the points I wanted to mention (especially the "diving for pearls" line) but I will add that you might want to give your character a specific sport in which to excel. It's a small point, but "football star," "basketball star," or "baseball star" each can give the listener more of a visual connection to your character than the generic "sports star" can.

Also, you mentioned possibly going first person with this. That's an interesting idea and might work as long as you take into account that the narrator's point of view shouldn't be as balanced as the narration currently is.

One thing that would be very interesting if you do go first person would be to start off the song with the chorus. That would set up the mood of reflection and introspection very nicely.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi wilcoman,
yes welcome to SSG.
For me the this phrase " He’s thinking about ending time" has always felt like he's thinking about his own mortality especially now that he's in harms way.
#1 Consider revising this line to fit with the school imagery
"Didn’t have to dive to get the pearls"
....or if not school, foreshadow the desert life to come in the chorus +1

My read of the song progression is.
schools days = no cares in the world life is easy ==> new life is hard full of doubt, but he made his choice an now must live with it. If this is true then I think I would have the bridge make this point a little stronger maybe just changing that last line
so:
Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
He got stuck under the iron fist
to:
Platoon was his favorite flick
He liked to feel the gun click
The college track he missed
He made the choice to enlist
and now he's stuck under an iron fist

other than that its all good :D

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
(@wilcoman)
Eminent Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 23
Topic starter  

I really appreciate all the suggestions! I'm still thinking about taking out the "pearls" line. While I get that it doesn't have to do with school, it does contrast with the desert. I might keep it, not sure…

I didn't like the title either. I think I'm switching it to "Soldier's Nostalgia."

Thanks again :)


   
ReplyQuote
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 946
 

Great start. Write your own truth.


   
ReplyQuote