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Y12W12 - None for All

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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Still a rough draft, but I haven't posted any new songs for a while, so it's time.

As I commented earlier, I've decided to not actually name the subject of the song. It's more about the ideas anyway.

NONE FOR ALL

verse:

What we see in the news
Is meant only to distract.
We can have our own views,
But not our own facts.

chorus:

Disunity has begun.
No more handshakes across the aisle
Now it's one for some
And none for all.

verse:

The years you spent in a cage
Waiting for your death
Didn't leave you full of rage.
Or feeling dispossessed.

A hero in the true sense
A public servant too.
You've been passionate, intense,
And a champion of the truth.

chorus

verse:

Compromise has left us
Maybe never to return.
Hatred has the best of us
It must be what we've earned.

chorus

Renee


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

I love it :D

I think it could apply to many individuals.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hey Hobson

I am really liking this I love that 1 st Verse !
Brilliant !
Not liking the chorus as much tho , I know what your saying here but it just sounds awkward to me -
No more handshakes across the aisle

It just not fitting as tight as the rest -
In my opinion any way not that holds much lol
I would keep it more like
" Fake handshakes are no more "

Just my idea , Nice writing :)

Trev.. :D :D :note1: :note1: :note2: :note1: :note1: :note2:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Renee,

Good start :D
We can have our own views,
But not our own facts.
I like this idea.

For me, it's a bit too big of a shift from 1st person (we)....then to 2nd person (you - singing to an individual)....then back to 1st person (we)....maybe instead of the second vs expand more on the why there is the disunity starting.

In all though, it's interesting how the current politics in Thailand fits nicely into your theme.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

I changed the "handshakes across the aisle" line and moved it from the chorus to Verse 1. I also moved the verses around. I changed it all to third person, which does make it flow better. I added a bridge where the focus shifts from the individual to generalizations and I now have five verses instead of four. This makes for a long song, so I'm not sure that I'll keep it all.

BTW, for anyone who cares, the song is about Senator John McCain of Arizona. The Arizona Republican Party recently censured him for being too liberal.

NONE FOR ALL (revision 1)

verse:

They say he reached across the aisle
Too many times.
They don't like his style.
There's no room for compromise.

chorus:

Disunity has begun.
We're in a freefall
Because it's one for some
And none for all.

verse:

The years he spent in a cage
Waiting for his death
Didn't leave him full of rage.
Or feeling dispossessed.

chorus

verse:

A hero in the true sense
A public servant too.
He's been passionate, intense,
And a champion of the truth.

bridge:

He might have led us on the path
To make things better.
But now his time has passed.
Who will hold us together?

verse:

Those who feed us the news
Mean only to distract.
They form our views,
They form their own facts.

chorus

verse:

We're fascinated, agitated,
Animated, irritated,
Filled with hatred.
None for all, separated.

chorus

Renee


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Renee,

The rewrite makes it better.

Suggestion: Consider reworking the order of the verses. One suggestion would be "time order" for events.

-James


   
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