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Y12W13 - Nobody's As Good As That w/mp3

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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

I wrote this in about 15 minutes. No doubt there will be some revising. The damn thing sounds like it needs to be a rap song. I don't do rap. If I did, I wouldn't have to come up with any music.

verse:

We got a Harley-driving pope.
The president smoked dope.
Had a guy who ran the Treasury.
Whose taxes slipped his memory.

chorus:

We know what is good.
We know what is bad.
We know what we should.
But nobody's as good as that.

verse:

Churches running scams,
Shepherding the lambs.
Brokers on the take
Claim it was just a mistake.

chorus

verse:

Cops will look the other way
For someone who knows what to say.
Judges can be bribed
For the right kind of price.

chorus

Renee


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Depends on what style of rap you do - some have more complicated music than most rock, folk, country, or pop songs.

This song has a lot of potential and I like it a lot. I keep hearing the word "do" in my head after reciting the third line of the chorus. "We know what we should" doesn't really flow into the same actions indicated by the "good" and "bad" of the first two lines and the implied action of the first line.

Also not sure the second line of the second verse plays out well as "shepherding" is actually a good thing. Maybe something like:
Churches running scams,
As they feed the wolves their lambs

Looking forward to seeing (and hopefully hearing) how this develops.

Peace


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Good to see you writing consistently, Renee!

This is a pretty good start....just a couple of suggestions.

"Churches running scams,
Shepherding the lambs."

Maybe personalise it a little more (like with the judges, cops, the Pope etc...) - something like

"(Arch)Bishops running scams,
Fleecing the poor lambs."

The last verse doesn't seem to have quite the same rhythm as the previous two.... I don't know whether that's intentional or not. To my mind, it'd scan a little better like this....

"Cops look the other way,
For those who can pay,
Judges take advice,
From those who pay the price."

(or taxpayers pay the price...something along those lines, anyway.)

I do feel, though, that you could possibly do with a bridge to tie the whole thing together...something about how the lines are blurred between being in a position of power and abusing that power. Just a thought.

It's a great start, though, and the song's got potential....musically I'm thinking somewhere in between Dylan and "Sympathy For The Devil"....and if that sounds slightly weird, well, that's just the way my mind works!

:-) :-) :-)

Vic

NOTE - I must have started writing this just as David was finishing his post. Interesting we both used the word "potential"......

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

"Fleecing" is good. Should have thought of that!

Peace


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Rene,

Great start :D

"Churches running scams,
Shepherding the lambs."

ok my stab at it is.....

"Churches running scams,
Wolves among the lambs."

I'm wanting to say the title/hook as "Nobody's that good".....but it all depends on how it's put together.

Musically, you might try a style that Andy did recently where the words are spoken on top of a chord progression background.

I'd love to hear this one :wink:

James


   
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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Thanks for all of the advice. I took a lot of it. Wish I had thought of "fleecing." I changed "churches" to "pastors." That fits with the lamb metaphor.

I probably will have a bridge once I start creating the music.

Here's the revised version:

verse:

We got a Harley-driving pope.
The president smoked dope.
Had a guy who ran the Treasury.
Whose taxes slipped his memory.

chorus:

We know what is good.
We know what is bad.
We try to do what we should.
But nobody's as good as that.

verse:

Pastors running scams,
Trying to fleece the lambs.
Brokers on the take
Claim it was just a mistake.

chorus

verse:

Cops will look the other way
If you know what to say.
Judges can be bribed
To set a judgment aside.

chorus

Renee


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Renee,

yeah great start, I do think there is something missing though, as Vic says to tie the whole thing together. It could be something as simple as a last line like
"It doesn't mean we shouldn't try"

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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GrungeSunset
(@grungesunset)
Honorable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 342
 

The song flows really well. I'm definitely hearing a rap song on this one.

Further to the personalization comments. I would try adding more to these lines:

Brokers on the take
Claim it was just a mistake.

I would add what kind of broker you are referring to. Insurance, stock etc then in the following line, make a comment on a scam they might run.

"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House


   
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GrungeSunset
(@grungesunset)
Honorable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 342
 

The song flows really well. I'm definitely hearing a rap song on this one.

Further to the personalization comments. I would try adding more to these lines:

Brokers on the take
Claim it was just a mistake.

I would add what kind of broker you are referring to. Insurance, stock etc then in the following line, make a comment on a scam they might run.

"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi there

Yes I agree with the great start comments - I am jealous because I only have 1 line in my head that would suit the topic ...

Keep on writing :)

Trev.. :note1: :note2: :note2: :note1: :note2: :note2:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Just a status. I have gone back and looked at the lyrics many times. Essentially the problem is that I've written an entire song around a hook that's weak. I'm still pondering what to use in place of the song title.

Renee


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Just a status. I have gone back and looked at the lyrics many times. Essentially the problem is that I've written an entire song around a hook that's weak. I'm still pondering what to use in place of the song title.

You can try using a question as the hook/chorus.

Essentially, the message seems those who are in positions of responsibility that you would assume or want to believe are trustworthy....aren't.

So it could be like this:

Who can you trust?
Who can you trust?
In a city addicted to power and lust
Who can you trust?


   
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Hobson
(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

There wasn't enough room in the subject line to post the new title along with the old.

New Title: Confusion And Doubt

Some day I'll do a smoother recording. Meanwhile, the song is posted here with the latest version of the lyrics:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=12673357

CONFUSION AND DOUBT

verse:

We got a Harley-driving pope.
The president smoked dope.
Had a guy who ran the Treasury.
Whose taxes slipped his memory.
Pop stars running wild.
Olympians on trial.
Pastors running scams,
Trying to fleece the lambs

chorus:

I don't know what to say.
Guess I'll wait for judgment day.
Maybe God can sort it out.
Seems like everybody's sinned.
I don't know what to think.
I'm left with confusion and doubt.

verse:

Brokers on the take
Claim it was just a mistake.
Ponzi and pyramid schemes.
Investments in shares of dreams.
Cops will look the other way
For those who know what to say.
Judges can be bribed
To set punishment aside.

chorus

instrumental with key change

chorus

Renee


   
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