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Y12W13

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glprattimages
(@glprattimages)
Eminent Member
Joined: 9 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

All I have so far are the lyrics, but I have a Metal riff in my head that I think will go well with them.
Slasher
The phone rings
children start to sing
Evil voice you hear
whispering in your ear
"prepare to die"
you start to cry
throw the phone down
run away without a sound
out into the darkness you go
running through blinding snow
shadowy figure appears
hot blades through your body sear
blood runs to the ground
scream, no one hears the sound
the body count grows
and everyone knows
to stay inside
and try to hide
don't go out alone
Evils seed is sown
knife slashes down
die without a sound
out into the darkness you go
running through blinding snow
shadowy figure appears
hot blades through your body sear
blood runs to the ground
die, die, without a sound


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Good start. :D

I think you got the "bad guy" idea down.

Consider reworking some of the lines to be more conversational

"hot blades through your body sear" => hot blades sear through your body

"Evil voice you hear whispering in your ear" => An evil voice whispers in your ear

Also, you might want to play with the line order. It seems a bit odd to kill off the singee mid-song and then continue having the singer sing to the singee in 2nd person voice......

......so 2nd person might not be the best way to deliver the message b/c saying "you start to cry" is a bit odd b/c the person would know they are crying. They wouldn't need to be told. Try 1st and 3rd person and see which conveys more emotion.

It could be like The Lovely Bones where the main character is a ghost telling of her own murder and the facts after her death.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lovely_Bones

I hope you get a chance to record and post :D

James


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi

I second James' comments on making some of the lines more of a conversational narrative. Often songwriters will let the rhyme drive the line and can end up with a line (or a group of lines) that are stylistically out of sync with the rest of the song or simply a little awkward.

One way you could avoid that in this case would be to go with more of an off-rhyme, such as:
shadowy figure appears
hot blades pierce you deeper deeper

Repeating the "deeper" in this case even brings to mind images of a blade repeated stabbing a body.

A metal riff certainly sounds like a great way to go. Looking forward to perhaps hearing this at some point. And, as always, looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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glprattimages
(@glprattimages)
Eminent Member
Joined: 9 years ago
Posts: 16
Topic starter  

Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm working with my youngest son's band on this song. They are getting to the point of wanting original material but have no lyrical writing skills at this point. lol. I'm thinking of going with the 3rd person idea. It seems to sound better to my ear.


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Really interesting lyrics :D , the pace in my mind was quite fast. I thought that maybe somewhere in there a bridge might be nice, doesn't have to be lyrical maybe a lead break, but something the provide some relief from the intensity of the song.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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