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Y12W14 - Dancing With Ghosts

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(@grungesunset)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 342
Topic starter  

The train of thought from "Dancing with Ghosts" to this is complicated. I couldn't find the line into the song so I went for the goal of making the audience dance with ghosts by reading/hearing this song.

Special thanks to "The Plague in Siena: An Italian Chronicle" for inspiration for the song.

Crisis
Chaos
Anarchy
Sweeping over Italy

Valiant Man
Fair Lady
Young Child
None stand against calamity

They died by the hundreds
Both day and night
They were thrown in the ditches
It didn't seem right
All believed it was the end
As faces faded beneath the sand
The last of humanity faded
My children were buried by my hand

Valiant Man
Fair Lady
Young Child
Fall with explanations so vague

Doctors
Clergyman
Astrologers
No one can stop the plague

They died by the hundreds
Both day and night
They were thrown in the ditches
It didn't seem right
All believed it was the end
As faces faded beneath the sand
The last of humanity faded
My children were buried by my hand

"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Good start :D

You have a lot of powerful lines.

"It didn't seem right" seems a bit light for the intensity of the other lines.

Maybe a chorus could go along these lines

Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing on sand
Until I join them in the promise land

or

Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing With Ghosts
Death in the land
til they call me I'll be shoveling sand

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
 

I agree with James that you have a lot of powerful lines. It would be worthwhile to work on some of the other lines to make them more powerful.

How about instead of "It didn't seem right" use "A terrible/gruesome/horrendous sight"

Instead of "All believed it was the end" use something like "All were sure it was the end" or "All were convinced it was the end."

The line "Fall with explanations so vague" seems weak. There aren't a lot of words that rhyme with "plague," so think about using a near rhyme such as "made" or "saved."

I don't know the story so I don't know who the "my" refers to in this line: "My children were buried by my hand." Maybe it's just an anonymous ordinary person. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the song, which is told in a detached third person narrative.

You go back and forth between present and past tense. This might be a problem with tenses in the writing or it's the whole point - moving back and forth in time.

Do you have any music or type of music in mind? It will be interesting to see how you handle those short lines.

Renee


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

For me it also reads like a chronicle and I'm trying to find that part in there that tells me why I should care about this song. I'm looking for a lyric that wraps it all together and sends me a message that will stay with me after the song is over.
Something like this:
Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing With Ghosts
Death in the land
til they call me I'll be shoveling sand
would be good. This gives me insight into how you feel about the tragedy.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@grungesunset)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 342
Topic starter  

I appreciate everyone taking the time to provide feedback on this one. Subtlety is always hard since what makes sense to you won't make sense to anyone else. I messed up the tenses but I hope I have it right. As for music, I'm not sure why but I hear dark techno in my head. Here is re-write #1:

Crisis
Chaos
Anarchy
Swept over Italy

Valiant Man
Fair Lady
Young Child
None stand against calamity

They die by the hundreds
Both day and night
They are thrown in the ditches
A terrible sight
All are sure it is the end
As faces fade beneath the sand
The last of humanity dies
As children are buried by their father's hand

Valiant Man
Fair Lady
Young Child
No one can be saved

Doctors
Clergyman
Astrologers
No one can stop the plague

They die by the hundreds
Both day and night
They are thrown in the ditches
A terrible sight
All are sure it is the end
As faces fade beneath the sand
The last of humanity dies
As children are buried by their father's hand

Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing With Ghosts
Death in the land
Against an enemy few can withstand

Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing With Ghosts
Dancing on sand
Until I join them in the promise land

-----------------------------------------------------------

P.S. I'm hoping to return the favour and provide feedback to everyone else's songs tonight.

"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Oh yeah :D
that does it nicely

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
 

I like the rewrite. Of course I would, since you used some of my suggestions.

Renee


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Very nice work on the re-write. Definitely a very powerful lyric.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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