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Y12W15 - The Good Ship

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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Okay, I know this is stretching this weeks topic a bit. Not quite school memories . . . . but kinda . . . . and in memory of someone dear to many of our childhoods. . . . .
I've the music worked out but not enough time this week to record.

THE GOOD SHIP

The good ship Lollipop still flies
to Candy Land in cotton cloud skies
high above the Peppermint Bay
where dreams are real and children play

And Heidi lives with grandpa still
dances in wooden shoes at will
upon an Alpine mountain top
where echos of yodels never stop

monkeys and rabbits still loop de loop
animal crackers in the soup
and it’s still possible to have fun
swallowing animal crackers one by one

It makes us smile to hear her songs
transports us to a place where we’d belong
but now I’ve a most difficult thing to say
Shirley Temple died today

and though our childhood comes to an end
we remember the days when we’d pretend
that we were cute, could sing and dance too,
a child movie star, who knew

monkeys and rabbits still loop de loop
and I still love animal crackers in my soup
and now with my children I share the fun
swallowing animal crackers one by one


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Neil

We've had bigger stretches of topics before (and not all that long ago), so no worries there. That's part of why the SSG exists, after all.

And this is a lovely tribute. The only thing I'd suggest is a tweak to the second stanza, specifically the second line:
And Heidi lives with grandpa still
dances in wooden shoes at will
upon an Alpine mountain top
where echos of yodels never stop

The phrase "dances in wooden shoes at will" seems very unnatural to sing or say and is pointedly only serving as a rhyme. I understand that having the AABB rhyme scheme is important, but I'd suggest either doing without it:
And Heidi lives with grandpa still
dancing in her wooden shoes
upon an Alpine mountain top
where echos of yodels never stop

Or changing up the first line a bit to make the rhyming fit in more as part of the natural narrative:
And Heidi still lives with her grandpa it seems
and dances in wooden shoes in her dreams
upon an Alpine mountain top
where echos of yodels never stop

Just a thought. And a question: will the music be a waltz? It certainly has the pulse for it.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Thanks David. Really good suggestions that I will incorporate. I prefer your first option as the second doesn't hold true to the story. I can't believe you're forgetting your "Shirley Temple." :lol: Music wise I think you're pretty much on point.

Neil


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Neil,

Looks good. :D Nice imagery. I'd say it could fit this week's topic by classifying it as home schooling :P

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Neil
I like this a lot :D . My only comment would be this line
but now I’ve a most difficult thing to say
for me it feels just a little pedestrian. Not quite sure what I'd replace it with that didnt give me the same feeling though, I guess its such a pivotal point in the song. I was thinking along the lines of memories or fantasy fading away.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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