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Y12W32 - After You're Done


(@hobson)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

One day this week I spent hours on-line. My husband was in the next room doing the same thing. When we came up for air, we realized that was a strange way to spend time together. So what could I do? I wrote a song.

(edit: see revised version in 6/19/2014 post below)

Original version:

After you've read the news,
After you've seen everyone's views.
After you've checked your email,
After you've looked at each link in detail.
After you're done.

I can wait until you're through,
Until you're done with the next thing too.
Maybe we'll go out then.
Maybe we'll even visit friends
After you're done.

I've become an afterthought,
I don't mean to put you on the spot.
You'll get around to me in time.
Don't worry. I'll be fine
After you're done.

Renee


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Hi Renee,

Great! I really like your chords and playing on this one; especially at the very end.

The topic is very relatable....unfortunately so

Suggestion: Consider the singer not being so "ok" with being an "afterthought" or maybe add a bit of a twist....."it's ok you're my afterthought too", or the singer dismisses time with the kids b/c of computer time....and the kids can say the same thing back to the parents...etc.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James


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(@hobson)
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Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Thanks, James. I'm well past having kids at home, but it would probably have broader appeal with that addition. How's this?

Our daughter watches videos of pets.
Our son plays with kids that he's never met.
We should take them to the park
If it isn't already dark
After you're done.

If I add another verse with the kids response, I may have to throw in an interlude. Otherwise, it's too much of the same thing. Such a verse could include something like "we're all afterthoughts."

Renee


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 948
 

I think this song does need a chorus. Your have the first line of the chorus already... I'll fill it in with an idea

After you're done
After you're done
Take a good look around
After you're done
After you're done
And the time is gone


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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

How's this?

That's a great verse to add!


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 KR2
(@kr2)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2725
 

. . . or
When everyone's gone.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


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(@hobson)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a chorus and nothing worked. I finally decided that it was because the instrumental part was the chorus. So I just added the new verse. I also added a vocal interlude after the new verse, which is before the last verse.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=12821626

verse:

After you've read the news,
After you've seen everyone's views.
After you've checked your email,
After you've looked at each link in detail.
After you're done.

verse:

I can wait until you're through,
Until you're done with the next thing too.
Maybe we'll go out then.
Maybe we'll even visit friends
After you're done.

verse:

Our daughter watches videos of pets.
Our son plays with kids that he's never met.
We should take them to the park
If it isn't already dark
After you're done.

interlude:

Will we live happily
After you're done?
Will we still be a family
After you're done?

verse:

We've become an afterthought,
I don't mean to put you on the spot.
You'll get around to us in time.
Don't worry. We'll be fine
After you're done.

Renee


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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Hi Renee,

Nice work with the revised version :D

Thanks for sharing.

James


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