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Y12W41 Dad's otel

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chefie
(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

DAD'S OTEL

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=12885482&q=hi

I remember when I played here and fine folk used to stay here
and all the dignitaries, escorting lovely ladies
people waiting in succession to stay in a penthouse built in heaven
I was just a little boy and this hotel was my favorite toy

My father built it long ago when times were good and money flowed
a centerpiece of this small town that amazed good people all around
for the train it was a final stop, stores a plenty where people shopped
and this hotel became their home, if only for a night, but what a home

it was my castle it was my home surrounded by people I was never alone
and almost without warning everything’s changed
the hotel’s now empty, and no shops remain

on the sign the H is gone, it reads otel me what went wrong
and people now, as they pass by, they pause and they wonder why
no one tried to save her, it’s all just bad behavior
and if we just forget the past, how long can our future last

Still I remember when I played here and fine folk used to stay here
and all the dignitaries, escorting lovely ladies
people waiting in succession to stay in a penthouse built in heaven
I was just a little boy and this hotel was my favorite toy


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Neil,

Nice play on words of the 'otel' :wink:

I like the pairing of "dignitaries/lovely ladies"

Suggestions:

I remember when I played "here" and fine folk used to stay "here"....consider working in a rhyme instead of using the same word

This line is twisted for rhyme's sake
"for the train it was a final stop,"

"and almost without warning everything’s changed"...consider elaborating....this is the crux of the story, but it's pretty much bypassed

"no one tried to save her, it’s all just bad behavior"....this line doesn't seem to be pulling its own weight....and is a bit confusing about what "bad behavior" is, or how it specifically contributed to the ending of the hotel's business.

Also considering concrete details about the hotel from the singer's perspective.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

I liked it. No suggestions for changing it.


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Thanks James and John,
Been pretty busy this week and not much time to work on rewrites. James: Some very good points and very helpful. John, appreciate you listening in.

Neil


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Neil,

I love it well done :D

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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