Skip to content
Y12W41 Paradise Mot...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Y12W41 Paradise Motel

6 Posts
3 Users
0 Likes
1,972 Views
jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Y12W41 Paradise Motel

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12882253

=====Revised Version 3=====

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign
The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried
He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets
And I am here illegally
Here in Paradise

A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge
Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again
I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin
I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins

‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets
Here in Paradise

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM
We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin
Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends
But I never see her again
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Paradise Motel

=====Revised Version 2=====

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign
The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried
He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets
And I am here illegally
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge
Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again
I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin
I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins

‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets
And I am here illegally
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM
We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin
Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends
But I never see her again
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Paradise Motel

=====Revised Version 1=====

The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign
The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried
He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets
And I am here illegally
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM
We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin
Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends
But I never see her again
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Paradise Motel

=====Original Version=====
The neon sign of the motel is buzzing through the night
The manager offers no help; for this is Paradise
This is Paradise
This is Paradise

There’s a gun on top shelf; she’d reach it if she tried
He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye

And me, I’m the one who cleans the sheets
I’m here, but here illegally
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise
Here in Paradise

The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM
We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin
Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends
But I never see her again
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell
Paradise Motel


   
Quote
John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

"I’m here, but here illegally" could be "I’m here, illegally " It would introduce a pause and some tension.
I like the plot and the guitar work. I still gave it 5 stars.


   
ReplyQuote
jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi John,

Thanks for the listen and suggestion......

POOF :mrgreen: change made to..."And I am here illegally"

-James


   
ReplyQuote
pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi James,

I think Johns suggestion and the way you phrased it was brilliant, for me the that's the standout of this song. I thought it might be just a touch too long though, maybe you could condense the last verse and last chorus somehow, maybe make it more of a bridge.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi Paul,
I thought it might be just a touch too long though, maybe you could condense the last verse and last chorus somehow, maybe make it more of a bridge.

I felt that too. Thanks for the confirmation.

James


   
ReplyQuote
jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

POOF :mrgreen: change made......shorter song


   
ReplyQuote