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Y12W45 Any Wrong I'm Sorry For

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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Y12W45 Any Wrong I'm Sorry For

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12908350

=====Revised Version=====

Legalized on the 22nd of January ‘73
I met a man in a white coat
With white gloves and white skin
And a guilt-free philosophy

I raised my arms in protest but he cut me clean like a scythe
He warned me not make a noise
It was her voice, it was her choice
I had no rights

Chorus
Any wrong I’m sorry for
Maybe it’s just me
Any wrong I’m sorry for
I was meant to be

I watched my black fingers twitch as they floated by waving goodbye
The blood around me thickened
As I listened to her heart beat quicken

chorus

I guess I don’t need no body
If nobody’s needing me

You can break my flesh and bones but you can’t scrape out my soul
I met a man in a white robe
With a halo at a white gate
And He hugged me and welcomed me home

chorus

=====Original Version=====

Murdered on the 22nd of January ‘73
I met a man in a white coat
With white gloves and white skin
And a guilt-free philosophy

I raised my arms in protest but he cut me clean like a scythe
He warned me not make a noise
It was her voice, it was her choice
I had no rights

Chorus
Any wrong I’m sorry for
Maybe it’s just me
Any wrong I’m sorry for
Maybe it’s just me

I watched my black fingers twitch as they floated by waving goodbye
The blood around me thickened
As I listened to her heart beat quicken

chorus

I guess I don’t need no body
If nobody’s needing me

You can break my flesh and bones but you can’t scrape out my soul
I met a man in a white coat
With a halo at a white gate
And He hugged me and welcomed me home

chorus


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi James,

Particularly loved what you've done with the music. Imagery was done without making it seem too morbid. Two things I'm wondering about . . . . . first (and minor) is in the last verse where I met a man in a white coat To differentiate it from the first verse I'd suggest changing it to a white robe.

The other thing is the chorus. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it just seems that there should be a little something more to say . . . . . maybe it's just me seems to be hiding something more . . .

Still, I'd rank this one pretty high in my favorites of all the works you've done.

Neil


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi Neil,

Thanks for the listen and post :D

White robe would be perfect.....Thanks for that!
maybe it's just me
seems to be hiding something more . . .
I'm trying to say the singer, a fetus, being alive and potentially born IS the problem (unwanted pregnancy).....so he or she is saying maybe the problem is just that I'm alive.

....I'm open to suggestions if there is a better way to word or rephrase the idea.

Thanks again.

James


   
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(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 946
 

It's a difficult topic for some. The song itself is interesting. The "Any wrong I'm sorry for" really doesn't fit the concept of the song. I don't think anyone blames the fetus.
I knew a woman that had multiple abortions (I found out after the fact). The children that she did bare were abused by her. They are adults now and having issues that people shouldn't have.
Like I said, a difficult topic.


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi John,
Like I said, a difficult topic.
I agree.

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
 

Certainly some powerful lyrics and a different perspective.

In the chorus, how about changing the last line to this:

I was meant to be.

Renee


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

I was meant to be.
+1 That's great!

Thanks, Renee.

James

PS POOF :mrgreen: Line changed


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Any thoughts on changing this line:

Murdered on the 22nd of January ‘73

to

Legalized on the 22nd of January ‘73


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi James,
Any thoughts on changing this line:
Murdered on the 22nd of January ‘73
to
Legalized on the 22nd of January ‘73

I think it's a matter of the POV you want, or not want, to put forward. There's always the third option . . . . . . "Legally murdered on the 22nd of January '73. And, after some thought, I think that's what I was getting at in my earlier comment about
something missing in maybe it's just me

I guess it's just fine if you want it to be passive. The use of "killed" is also, somewhat passive. "Murdered" on the other hand, says a lot more. It that case maybe the fetus would want to state its case a little bit more . . . . . maybe . . . . . .

Neil


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi Neil,

Thanks for the feedback :D This has been an interesting song on feedback. I've heard from you here at SSG, from another forum, and a co-worker. All pointed at different areas to tweak or fix. There was no obvious consensus of one problem that needed to be addressed.

I'll probably give it a rest for now, but again, thanks for the continued feedback :wink:

James


   
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