Umm.... where to begin. It's. been a while since I wrote anything...Y12 W16 to be precise. This is sort of inspired by a Facebook post by Karen Berger about sad songs.... I thought to myself, I really should start writing again. A scan through the 170+ songs I've written for the SSG revealed that in the last 10 years I've written exactly TWO shiny happy love songs...and although life's a little less grim these days, I can't see that changing anytime soon. So... pen to paper and this is what I came up with....
The Last Time I Smiled.
I remember the last time I was here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye my whole world turned,
I was flying so high then I crashed and burned....
I remember the last time I saw your face,
Tubes and IVs all over the place,
A tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss,
I never thought it'd end like this....
That was the last time I ever smiled,
But I've still got those memories,
Of the last time we touched, the last time we kissed,
And those good times will always stay with me.
I remember the last time you shouted at me,
When I changed the channel on the TV,
I'd give anything to write one last line,
I'd give everything to see you one last time...
The last time I ever smiled,
Was the last time I saw your face,
Three steps to heaven was always our song,
You're there now and I'm in a bad place....
:-) :-) :-)
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Vic,
Great to see you posting again :D
Suggestions: V1 is about you and the other verses about "US"...consider cutting v1 or changing it to plurals
I remember the last time WE WERE here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye OUR whole world turned,
WE WERE flying so high then WE crashed and burned....
...ALSO consider changing the verse order.....
I remember the last time I was here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye my whole world turned,
I was flying so high then I crashed and burned....
That was the last time I ever smiled,
But I've still got those memories,
Of the last time we touched, the last time we kissed,
And those good times will always stay with me.
I remember the last time you shouted at me,
When I changed the channel on the TV,
I'd give anything to write one last line,
I'd give everything to see you one last time...
I remember the last time I saw your face,
Tubes and IVs all over the place,
A tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss,
I never thought it'd end like this....
The last time I ever smiled,
Was the last time I saw your face,
Three steps to heaven was always our song,
You're there now and I'm in a bad place....
Thanks as always for your input, JT. You hit the nail on the head re inconsistencies - I'll definitely change that first verse. Not sure about changing verse orders though....I can see what you"re getting at, but what I was trying for was V V C V C....
I'll have another look, I'll keep your advice in mind, and let's see if it can get better....like I said, it's been a while since I wrote anything at all....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Vic,
Nice to see you back! Just a few suggestions. There's a lot of emotion here and difficult to sort out. Lots of repetition, too. I was wondering if you started with your second verse as your first . . . . . and although I understand the IV's and tubes, not sure it works with the direction . . . . . how about something like
I remember the last time I saw your face
a hospital room, our last embrace
a tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss
I never thought It’d end like this
Then if you did all you last times starting out
and there were other last times that I recall
The last time you yelled at me . . . .
and so on
And ending up with the Last time I smiled . . . . . .
Too, I don't know that "bad place" is the best description of where you end up.
Lonely, confused, dark . . . . . I dunno, just a thought.
Neil
It's a good start and I'm amazed that you're to the point that you can write about it.
Not sure, but I think that what you wrote is all verses with no chorus. If that's the case, your rhyming pattern changes a couple of times. That may be intentional, but take another look at it.
As has been mentioned, it is a bit repetitive. One way to approach it is to find a way to make each line add to the story.
For example, instead of this:
Tubes and IVs all over the place,
How about:
Tubes and machines. There was no embrace,
I agree that something needs to be done with the last line:
You're there now and I'm in a bad place....
Try this:
You're there now and I'm still in this place...
Or:
You're there now and I am misplaced...
Renee
