I'm a bit behind on the weekly topics, but at least I finished a song. For this one I stole the tune from the last song that I finished. It never seemed to fit too well with the lyrics that I wrote for the other song, "Missed Connections." I'm still working on a revised tune for that one.
So here is "The Last Time You Lied to Me":
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=13132994
verse:
You've always been a convincing liar,
Knowing when to tell half truths.
Still, I wish I could take back the rounds I fired.
I found that you're not bulletproof.
chorus:
All the lawyers in the world won't get me freed
From my self-inflicted misery.
You said you were going out for groceries.
That's the last time you lied to me.
verse:
You never got more complex with time.
Never tried to change your habits.
I wanted you to like fine clothes and wine,
You drank cheap beer and wore a denim jacket.
chorus
verse:
Maybe I don't even know your real name.
Those clever lies distracted me.
Now I stare at an empty picture frame
And wonder what attracted me.
chorus
Renee
Hi Renee,
Good start :D
I remember liking the music from a previous song...nice transplant :wink:
I like the idea of this:
You said you were going out for groceries.
That's the last time you lied to me.
It makes me think you could have a more "hooky" chorus; like 7-11 liar. That could also fit with the cheapness of the singee.....or AM/PM liar; which would double for a store name and literally mean the singee lies all the time.
Suggestion: Consider strengthening the singer's resolve/anger that the relationship is over....more along the lines of "I Will Survive"
This verse seems out of sync with the other ideas:
You never got more complex with time.
Never tried to change your habits.
I wanted you to like fine clothes and wine,
You drank cheap beer and wore a denim jacket.
b/c vs1 and vs3 are complementing the singee on his lying skills, but this verse seems to say the opposite...he wasn't a good liar b/c he didn't adapt....and he was being himself with beer and his jacket....so here it's saying he was being himself and she wanted him to be something else.
Consider changing lawyers to doctors or shrinks as they would be the ones trying to "get me freed
From my self-inflicted misery."
Consider revising the syllable count for the last lines in v 1 and 2 to match v3. V3 sounds most comfortable/natural....the others sound forced.
Take or toss to taste.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Hi, James. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I will definitely think about some of those things for a future rewrite. The idea was to use as many words and phrases from the list provided, so I tried to work in a few of those. Agreed that some may not have been the best choice. I like your AM/PM idea. Never thought of that because we don't have many of those in my area. I will have to think about using that though. I want something that implies being gone for a couple of hours.
Renee
How about this to replace v. 2?
You even got more complex with time.
Somehow gradually changed your habits.
I liked fine clothes and wine
So you gave up your beer and denim jacket.
Renee
That fits more in character with V1 and V3 for both the singer and singee.
