http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=13140287
chorus:
The place doesn't make the person.
The person makes the place.
We each form our own version
From what we add and take.
verse:
You built a mountain A-frame cabin
To avoid the ci- ty noise.
But when the wind blew through the aspen,
You were equally annoyed.
chorus
verse:
Then you wanted a house on the lakeshore
And finally got your wish.
But when you stepped out the front door
You smelled mud and rotting fish.
chorus
verse:
You moved to a small town
To get to know your neighbors
But you didn't like them coming around
And asking you for favors.
chorus
verse:
Now you're back in the neighborhood
Where there's no place for your boat.
You say that this move wasn't good.
You wish it was more remote.
Renee
Hi Renee
There's a lot to like here. The verses are concise and fun to listen to. And the first two lines of the chorus are really great.
The place doesn't make the person.
The person makes the place.
The second two lines, though, don't measure up to the start.
We each form our own version
From what we add and take.
"Form our own version" is confusing in this context. I understand what you're trying to say but I can't help think there's a more concise way of doing so. Because the verses are so wonderfully specific, these two lines of the chorus seem to be there simply for the rhyme. They certainly work but they don't really give the punch I think you're looking for. I don't have any suggestions at the moment, but I'm going to try to think up some ideas.
A quick question - is the "neighborhood" referenced in the final verse back in the "city" mentioned in the first verse? I wasn't sure, simply because of the use of neighbors in the "small town" verse. If it's meant to take place in the small town, would it be good to swap the "small town" verse with the "lakeshore" verse? Just a thought.
Really like the music and the melody. It's still going around in my head.
Looking forward to more.
Peace
There's a lot to like here. The verses are concise and fun to listen to. And the first two lines of the chorus are really great.
+1 :D
The second two lines, though, don't measure up to the start.
I agree. I think it will be hard to come up with something clever to tie in a pay-off, so try to simplify and I think the conciseness will carry the message:
The place doesn't make the person.
(No,) The place doesn't make the person.
The place doesn't make the person.
The person makes the place.
You'll have to adjust the melody a bit; maybe go highest on the 2nd line.....make line 1 and 3 the same and then go down on the 4th line; like a declarative sentence.
Nice work, Renee!
Thanks for sharing :D
James
Thanks for the comments. No argument here. I spent a lot of time on that chorus and am not happy with it. There aren't many things that rhyme with "person," yet I want to keep the first two lines of the chorus. I'm also not satisfied with the last verse. It is meant to refer to moving back to the city.
How about this rewrite of the chorus with near rhymes:
One thing I know is certain.
Life is what you make.
The place doesn't make the person.
The person makes the place.
Renee
Keep on it.
Line 1 doesn't seem to hold its weight
Line 2 is saying the same thing as line 4
maybe something like:
You can change the curtains
Greener grass in another state
The place doesn't make the person.
The person makes the place.
