Skip to content
Notifications
Clear all

Y4 w10 My Time

8 Posts
7 Users
0 Likes
1,390 Views
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Well from mounting pressure from 2 un-named SSG writters I post this song ( I feel it is under done ) but I know what will happen if I don't post this prior to Friday .

For those who don't know I'm retired ( Yes I'm older then 65 ) I wanted to write a little fun piece but I think I got lost in here somewhere ..

My Time

No more traffic jams
Plenty of week-end plans
No more boss
More time to rock

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my time
I've finally reached ---my prime

Alarm clocks ------ringing
Ha ha now I'm ---singing
No more clocking in
I should be sleeping in

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my time
I've finally reached ---my prime

But my old---- body
It won't let me

Up at the crack of dawn
I 'll go and mow the lawn
Just for something --------to do
I've enrolled to go back to school

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my time
I've finally reached ---my prime

I spend most my time
At guitar Noise
With lots of Girls and boys
Trying to get a rhyme

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my time
I've finally reached ---my prime
Only sometimes I wish I was back at work... ( whisper)

All replies welcome :wink:
I played around with fonts to get my point across about the whisper at the end sorry if it didn't work
Cheers
L.K :arrow:

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
Quote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi L.K

I like your chorus

Fun piece I think you succeeded ...

If you get bored at home you can always drop around to my house and mow my lawn .. Honest mate I really really would not mind , hell mate I'll even leave some beers in the fridge for you ...

The verse that says :

I spend most my time
At guitar Noise
With lots of Girls and boys
Trying to get a rhyme

Just does not seem to work for me ( sorry Mr King )

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Got the point across rather neatly I thought - but that verse Hilch pointed out, ouch - it does grate a little...

instead of

"I spend most my time
At guitar Noise
With lots of Girls and boys
Trying to get a rhyme"

try:

"I spend a lot of my time,
At guitarnoise.com,
Lookin' for elusive rhymes,
And rockin' on"

(just a suggestion off the top of my head...."

For this section.....

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my time
I've finally reached ---my prime

I'd add one word for emphasis....

I'm retired
Not fired
My time -----is my OWN time
I've finally reached ---my prime

but yes, definitely taking a stand for the older generation...
brought a smile to my face anyway!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote
 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi LK

Good stuff though I agree with previous comments about last verse - detracts from all that went before.

The idea is excellent and whilst we'd all like to leave our jobs and have more leisure time - would we all get bored and long for what we gave up? That's rhetorical by the way we can have that discussion on the O&P bored ( :oops: sorry)

God flow and structure to the song following a simple thought all the way through - the whisper at the end adds the right amount of bittersweet to the mix.

Good stuff

bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
ReplyQuote
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Oh this is fun!

Personally, I think you can go even more over the top with this one if you want to. my stepdad, since retiring, has got a better social life than I ever had, even when in college! :wink: But I often suspect he too would rather be at the office than at the bowling alley day after day after day.

Perhaps a verse about going back to the office and hanging around and simply getting in the way might be in order?

Looking forward to more from you, LK.

Peace


   
ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi LK,
As a fun song this works. But I reckon theres a more serious song in the making here if you felt so inclined. I really like the chorus a lot, and I think Vic's suggestion works fine.

Cheers
pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
Topic starter  

Thanks for all the feed back people

David I promised I would never go back after I left and I have not either , I know what you mean and there are people who do it but sorry not me ..

Vic , nice suggestions thank you

Bob , I wasn't real sure if anyone would understand the whisper nice to know you got understood it

Pbee and Hilch thank you for your comments also

Hppy writting everyone

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
ReplyQuote
 XXXX
(@xxxx)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 21
 

hey fun song man

good stuff man

record it man .. share the music with us man

Yeah Baby Yeah


   
ReplyQuote