Y4 WK32 Do you know me ? Complete edited version MP3

Nice job Hilch, had to think about it for a bit as far as relevance goes, but I do think its there! :)

Pete

Thanks Pete

Gee there quite a few of Petes' now :lol: :lol:

I was going to write a lady who wears a lot of make up ..

Then on television I watched a documentry on BB King and some other blues musicians and off stage most of them were very quite men who did not like the spot light at all ..

It's directly aimed at them but thats where the inspiration came from , someone we all admire and love to listen to but we don't really know them at all ...

Hilch :?:

Hey Hilch,
I think the song is relevant to the assignment in as much as that we all hide behind things. My main comment is that I think it's a bit lightweight. It starts off really well and I like the idea that you've got going in there but I think I like to see that idea expanded a little bit more. For example in the chorus you could say something like
I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for show
So how can anyone know me

For me the extra stuff gives it a little more depth.

I think the verses could also be a bit longer for example

At the end of shows
The curtains will close
And you'll be gone with out me

Another three lines telling us what happens to you when the curtains have closed and the person has gone.

Anyway just some thoughts, this song has some good potential IMO, good stuff

Cheers

Paul

Thanks Paul

Great ideas you have given me ..

One question mate ..

What on Earth is IMO ???

Is it imo or Lmo ?

Laughing my A$$ off maybe ?

IMO = In My Opinion
LMO = Limousine which would cost a lot of A$ :lol: in fact more like A$$ which given the current exchange rate is probably more like NZ$$$

TA - short for thank you

OK I did some remodelling :lol: how is this version ?

For I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for the shows
So how can you really know me

Do you really know me

Hey Hilch, ma..ate
the rewrite is just brilliant :D IMO :D, what great job, it makes it a much more interesting song, well done.

cheers

Paul

Alot of credit must go to you Paul ...

Thanks for the ideas ..

Hope you don't mind me stealing your lines like that ..

Trev

Hello mateee

WOW haven't you came a long way from your first song you posted what nearly a year ago ?

You have some very good imagery happening , a bit of sad song ..

Just think Hilch this could be about you next year when you make it big :lol:

Keep up the writting you have improved out of sight while I have been away ..

hey where is the MP3 ? Come on record it for the old fellow I want to hear the melody you have for it

all the best
L.K

The re-write's a big improvement on the original draft, which seemed to me to be all chorus... it still seems a little chorus-heavy, maybe you could drop the opening chorus? I like the imagery in there, like the way you fitted the song to the assignment...

:D :D :D

Vic

What if I had

Chorus

V1

V2

CHORUS

V3

( maybe another verse ?)

CHORUS

OUTRO

I like the chorus at the start I think it really sets the mood for the song ..

? would that be better ?????

Alternative verse 4

The roar of the crowd
As they scream out loud
The bright lights , blinds my eyes
I walk to the mic I say alright
Lets get this show on the road
My heart is racing , theres no hesitating

Hi Hilch

The rewrite is a big improvement and expands on the original idea very well. My only problem is the line

There's only loneliness and doom

I know the idea you're trying to get over but this line just seems poor compared to the rest of the song and in my own way pulls the rest of the song down.

I'd be tempted to go with something like

Back in my motel room
In darkness and gloom
Those clothes lay on the floor

or

Back in my motel room
In darkness I'm entombed
and Those clothes lay on the floor

Just a suggestion (and not a brilliant one either) but I'd try to get away from the room/doom rhyme

Otherwise good stuff

Bob :wink:

Bob I might steal your 2nd idea

It fits really well and is what I was looking for

Thanks Bob