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Y4 WK32 Do you know me ? Complete edited version MP3

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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Hello everyone ..

This might just be stretching the freindship as far as relevance to the assigmnent goes ...

It's a bit of love song you could say ..

I titled it " Do you know me ?"

I'm not too sure about a question being the title ...

Do you know me?

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
But you don't even know me

At the end of shows
The curtains will close
And you'll be gone with out me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
But you don't even know me

Back in my motel room
There's only loneliness and doom
Those clothes lay on the floor

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
But you don't even know me

Sitting and waiting anticipating
For the next show for you
I know you'll be there for me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me

I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
But you don't even know me

But you don't even know me ...

===========================================

As usual all comments appreciated

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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 Anonymous
Joined: 53 years ago
Posts: 0
 

Nice job Hilch, had to think about it for a bit as far as relevance goes, but I do think its there! :)

Pete


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks Pete

Gee there quite a few of Petes' now :lol: :lol:

I was going to write a lady who wears a lot of make up ..

Then on television I watched a documentry on BB King and some other blues musicians and off stage most of them were very quite men who did not like the spot light at all ..

It's directly aimed at them but thats where the inspiration came from , someone we all admire and love to listen to but we don't really know them at all ...

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Hilch,
I think the song is relevant to the assignment in as much as that we all hide behind things. My main comment is that I think it's a bit lightweight. It starts off really well and I like the idea that you've got going in there but I think I like to see that idea expanded a little bit more. For example in the chorus you could say something like
I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for show
So how can anyone know me

For me the extra stuff gives it a little more depth.

I think the verses could also be a bit longer for example

At the end of shows
The curtains will close
And you'll be gone with out me

Another three lines telling us what happens to you when the curtains have closed and the person has gone.

Anyway just some thoughts, this song has some good potential IMO, good stuff

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks Paul

Great ideas you have given me ..

One question mate ..

What on Earth is IMO ???

Is it imo or Lmo ?

Laughing my A$$ off maybe ?

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

IMO = In My Opinion
LMO = Limousine which would cost a lot of A$ :lol: in fact more like A$$ which given the current exchange rate is probably more like NZ$$$


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

TA - short for thank you

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

OK I did some remodelling :lol: how is this version ?

For I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for the shows
So how can you really know me

At the end of shows
The curtains will close
And you'll be gone with out me
You will leave me there
On that stage I will stare
At the empty seating

For I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for the shows
So how can you really know me

Back in my motel room
There's only loneliness and doom
Those clothes lay on the floor
Feeling naked and bare
Wondering who really cares
And does anyone really love me ?

For I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for the shows
So how can you really know me

Sitting and waiting anticipating
Wondering if you will be there
Walking the back rooms
Nerves over ride my gloom
Cheering and laughter, for I'm on after
That 17 year old kid from there

For I put on these clothes
Then I put on these shows
You only think you love me
But I'm not these clothes
And its all just for the shows
So how can you really know me

Do you really know me

Do you really know me

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Hilch, ma..ate
the rewrite is just brilliant :D IMO :D, what great job, it makes it a much more interesting song, well done.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Alot of credit must go to you Paul ...

Thanks for the ideas ..

Hope you don't mind me stealing your lines like that ..

Trev

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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lotto king
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hello mateee

WOW haven't you came a long way from your first song you posted what nearly a year ago ?

You have some very good imagery happening , a bit of sad song ..

Just think Hilch this could be about you next year when you make it big :lol:

Keep up the writting you have improved out of sight while I have been away ..

hey where is the MP3 ? Come on record it for the old fellow I want to hear the melody you have for it

all the best
L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

The re-write's a big improvement on the original draft, which seemed to me to be all chorus... it still seems a little chorus-heavy, maybe you could drop the opening chorus? I like the imagery in there, like the way you fitted the song to the assignment...

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

What if I had

Chorus

V1

V2

CHORUS

V3

( maybe another verse ?)

CHORUS

OUTRO

I like the chorus at the start I think it really sets the mood for the song ..

? would that be better ?????

Alternative verse 4

The roar of the crowd
As they scream out loud
The bright lights , blinds my eyes
I walk to the mic I say alright
Lets get this show on the road
My heart is racing , theres no hesitating

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Bob
 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Hilch

The rewrite is a big improvement and expands on the original idea very well. My only problem is the line

There's only loneliness and doom

I know the idea you're trying to get over but this line just seems poor compared to the rest of the song and in my own way pulls the rest of the song down.

I'd be tempted to go with something like

Back in my motel room
In darkness and gloom
Those clothes lay on the floor

or

Back in my motel room
In darkness I'm entombed
and Those clothes lay on the floor

Just a suggestion (and not a brilliant one either) but I'd try to get away from the room/doom rhyme

Otherwise good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Bob I might steal your 2nd idea

It fits really well and is what I was looking for

Thanks Bob

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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