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Y4week34 lawn needs weeding

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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey... now this actually looks like doable. i mean it looks like it would work with music.

This lawn needs weeding

Follow the signposts as they lead you
Deeper into the wood
Where your older brother was swallowed
Where they told you not to go

Bury that frown, my dear
That was years
Ago

Pitch the tent in the second glade
Watch the sun beam and fade
And make your peace with slow debris
Kneeling beside that tiny creek

Don't let the picture of a bridge
As the water delivers it
Trouble you

As the sky proceeds out of sight
In the vastness of the night
And the dark reveals
A soft lime sparkling thing

Don't mistake this firefly
For a will-o'-the-wisp
If you want to make it

In the wilderness
You declared your home

so Uproot That Song and move on.

hope you like it.
cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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tonyj444
(@tonyj444)
Active Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 12
 

Wow............ Just Wow.

I think this is top notch, whenever I try to write a song without a strong rhyme-scheme, I feel like it tends to lose flow, but this is superb. This is the tyoe of thing I would love to be producing after lots and lots of practice.

Handy hint.... Get it put 2 music and recorded :D

Tony


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

definitely one of your more "accessible" songs - first verse reminded me (a little) of Hansel & Gretel.....I really don't like the title though, doesn't seem to fit the song at all.....

and what I'm not sure about, isn't a firefly the same thing as a will'o'the wisp?

But it reads well, you have got a good story, the imagery's spot on.....as always....

I'm not too sure about the last line either - maybe something lie "leave that stupid song and move on" or "stop living that sad song and move on" might work a little better.....

But yes , I do like it......

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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lotto king
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hey Blue

Seems along time , I disagree about the title Vic ,

I thnk if mean the lawn by meaning grass well it does not fit and weeds by pesty things that grow in the grass , then no it does not fit ..

But I got a deeper sence from reading this ..

I agree once again with Tony and Vic

this is very nice Blue

well done

L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

BNA,

Very Good! As Vic said " one of your more "accessible" songs".

It would fit into a number of musical styles.
I actually found myself strumming my guitar as
I read it and found that it flows well.

Could not find much I would change.

Maybe the line:
Watch the sun beam and fade

Might work better as:
Watch the sun beam as it fades

But that's very minor.

Good work

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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sytys
(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 84
 

nice song, i think it flows well as well, as a note a firefly is a beetle who's belly glows, i believe a will-o-wisp is a small stream of vapour that some say has spirit, big win for Germany.

martin

sytys


   
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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey all. thanks for the nice comments.

tony, the putting it to music thing has to wait as tomorrow i'm off for stockholm. almost two weeks of fun.

i'm glad you spoke your mind, vic. i think the firefly is a kind of glowing animal whereas the will'o'the wisp leads people astray... supposed to be a dead person's soul i think...
as for the last line... i like the word "uproot" and it fits wwith what i had in mind.. like digging up the thing that is deep down, rooted deep inside of you, that you can't let go, somehow cling to though it's nonsense and holding you back. also matched with the wood scene in my head.
the title then just came from that image of prooting.. like weeding out all the stuff from your old life which now can only be a burden.

thank you lotto king, martin and also the celt for replying and that suggestion of yours (though i am going to keep my line if you don't mind :wink: )

i'm happy you guys like it.
cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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