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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hi... i'm posting this half-finished thing now coz tomorrow i'm off to sweden for almost two weeks and i don't know if i have the chance to come here sometime later.

it's healthy, but is it true

is it a blue print or a true hint
that something is losing
all its sense
those words won't be meant if you need prompts to say them
but here i am
painting nightmares again

and he tried to convince me
that the best is yet to come
but it's hard to believe
when you're obsessed with the setting sun

and it's so intriguing a picture
though it tends to let ya
down

is it a cloud or a doubt
that's circling above me now
will it
announce a downpour or a darkness parting our lips
yes, it's me
reading signs into everything

it's healthy to think
that the best still lies ahead
but it's difficult to see
when so far you've lost all your bets

and then you're seventy-three,
own nothing you couldn't leave
behind

thank god i'm only eighteen
still it haunts my sleep
that i might be heading towards be a dead ending

but sometimes things seem like they would look up if i didn't snub

[and he wanted to let me in on a secret, but i never believed it]

please consider this a very rough first idea with maybe too many parts leading into the wrong direction, or at least not into the one it was supposed to(?). ...and an awkward title i'm not so sure i will keep. i don't like the whole 73 part either...
anyways i like the first three verses/whatev and maybe it'll end up being just these three.
your comments are, of course, very welcome.

cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Blue,

I like your song, I think it portrays that doubt and introspection very well.
There are a couple of things in there that may just be a language thing
You don't need the “be”
that i might be heading towards be a dead ending
and
but sometimes things seem like they would look up if i didn't snub
“snub” by itself does sound right to me, you could use “snub them” or “snub him”

I think the 73 and 18 contrast works so I wouldn't change that, but maybe you could change this
own nothing you couldn't leave behind
to
own only what you couldn't leave behind

Other than that, nice song

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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straycat.
(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey.

oh, of course, stupid me.... yes, paul, the "be" doesn't belong there.. probably a leftover from changes i've made.
and i already suspected "snub" to need another word... yes, then it's "snub them" i guess.

as to that other line. the way you rewrote it it has a new meaning, hasn't it? because I meant it to say that you own nothing really, that all things you own are things you could easily leave behind.

thank you very much for bothering to come up with some ideas:)
and thank you, too, peter. yes, sweden was amazing.

cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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