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Y4week4 better than sticking low to the ground

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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

er.......that was a horrible, busy week.. i'm fragile and dependent and... well, never mind. you might better not read this... it's all mixed up and loose ends.. just posted coz it's already saturday and I didn't want to miss a week... so here's all i have...

Better than sticking low to the ground

Almond in my mouth
Thinking ‘bout you and how
You're keeping me up,
Letting me down

Yes, you're strength and confidence
The green-eyed bird, the gentle wave
But I've seen you collapse
With your heart in my face
I've felt your chest contract
All through that long embrace

Ticket in my hand
Thinking ‘bout how I am
Waking you up,
Bringing you down

Yes, you're cliff and trembling boat
When I'm at a loss and taking fast
Refuge near your stomach
Doubting future and past
Yet wishing so bad
That this will last

You're keeping me up for my own good
Letting me down not knowing you would
I'm waking you up for your own good
Bringing you down not knowing I could

And with my heart in your fist
I'm swearing this
Was not intended,
No, I won't
Do it again

Oh, you sweep me off my feet
Unaware this care will cost you
With you I'm secure and whole
So I hate to let you go
Coz alone I'm lonely and dependence is ugly
But I do depend on you
You're just too amazing

Letting me down
Bringing you down

And everything is better than sticking low to the ground

So I'm tired of being liquid and fearing you might leave
I'm banning this topic from my mind
No more thinking ‘bout that five year's time
May tear us apart if distance won't
It's off my mind, I said: off

I'll be pure for you and I set off
Maybe I'd better speed up
Or slow down
Maybe I'd better get up
Or lay down
In every case set off
To catch up
With you

... see? :? ....this should probably be more than just one song, not even sure if it all fits together(let alone fit the assignment...!)....anyway... any thoughts and comments(help please!) are very welcome :wink:

maybe let's just take this week as done, useless, but done.
cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hi B 'A

Yes I agree there seems to be two songs ( almost )

Song one :

Almond in my mouth
Thinking ‘bout you and how
You're keeping me up,
Letting me down

Yes, you're strength and confidence
The green-eyed bird, the gentle wave
But I've seen you collapse
With your heart in my face
I've felt your chest contract
All through that long embrace

Ticket in my hand
Thinking ‘bout how I am
Waking you up,
Bringing you down

Yes, you're cliff and trembling boat
When I'm at a loss and taking fast
Refuge near your stomach
Doubting future and past
Yet wishing so bad
That this will last

You're keeping me up for my own good
Letting me down not knowing you would
I'm waking you up for your own good
Bringing you down not knowing I could

And with my heart in your fist
I'm swearing this
Was not intended,
No, I won't
Do it again

Oh, you sweep me off my feet
Unaware this care will cost you
With you I'm secure and whole
So I hate to let you go
Coz alone I'm lonely and dependence is ugly
But I do depend on you
You're just too amazing

Letting me down
Bringing you down

Then the start of song two :
And everything is better than sticking low to the ground

So I'm tired of being liquid and fearing you might leave
I'm banning this topic from my mind
No more thinking ‘bout that five year's time
May tear us apart if distance won't
It's off my mind, I said: off

I'll be pure for you and I set off
Maybe I'd better speed up
Or slow down
Maybe I'd better get up
Or lay down
In every case set off
To catch up
With you

It could be like Evie ... don't know if you know it but it like 3 songs in total ...
If you don't know the song I'm talking about it is EVIE by STEVIE WRIGHT have a listen to it if you can it's a great piece of music and tells a marvelous story.....

As for your your song it is very moving and my fav part is :

Oh, you sweep me off my feet
Unaware this care will cost you
With you I'm secure and whole
So I hate to let you go
Coz alone I'm lonely and dependence is ugly
But I do depend on you
You're just too amazing

Some very good writting in here well done as usual ( would love to hear it )

L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Blue,

I think its fine just to post and get stuff out there when other things in life get in the way, at least that way your still turning those creative cogs.

cheers
pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Agree with pBee, if there's a song inside you it's GOT to come out hasn't it!!!

It does seem like two songs for the price of one... but could quite easily be turned into just one song, the theme remains the same throughout...messing about with the guitar, seems like the first part could be done fairly easily with four chords, and the second part, maybe a key change...up a semitone or two, and slow it down a little...

Looks good so far, imagery's all in place...a couple of people have mentioned your style has changed a little, while remaining essentially Bluenightangel - I agree, you seem to have tightened up the imagery without losing the impact...perhaps (and I'm reading between the lines here....) that comes with leaving the parental nest and being in a relationship?

Anyway...nice work as usual....be interesting to see if you record this...

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Blue,

now that ive had a good chance to think about your song, I think this is the basis of one really good song. That "up / down" conflict youve got going in there is really a winning hook in my opinion, I think that if you apply some of that structure that youve demonstrated in the past few weeks to this song it could turn into something pretty awesome.

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@geoffrey)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 85
 

this could also be along the lines of a Michael Stipe (of REM) spoken word song.. have you heard "Country Feedback", "Live for Today" or "Ebow the Letter"?? all amazing songs... very wordy.. but those 3 songs are in my opinion some of the best REM songs ever.

to listen to my songs for SSC click here http://www.myspace.com/impossibleobjects


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

HI BNA,

It's me. Remember me? I've been gone for a while. Not sure if I've got time to contribute as regularly as I used to, but I popped in here this evening, because I had a bit of time on my hands, and saw your song for last week. I just wanted to say, as Vic already noted, that your style has changed a bit, and for what it's worth, seems much much better.
You've still got your somewhat offbeat ideas coming through, (that's good!, I always liked that about your writing) but the structure is tightened up very nicely. Nice lines, not as much rambling. One line I tripped over a bit:

"And everything is better than sticking low to the ground"

I think it might read cleaner if you said:

But it's better than sticking low to the ground

Keeps the same idea, I think, but makes the meter more manageable. Then again, you may need it the way you had it for the meter you have in mind.

Anyways, real well done, Blue.

All the best,

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

wow, that's feedback :D

lotto king, so you found 2 songs... well, I'm not sure if I would seperate them the way you did... with some thinking...maybe, yes... I'm always very indescisive with those things...
oh, I don't know that song you mentioned, just had a quick look at amazon.com but couldn't play the song... later then..

as I'm hesitating to cut this piece into two I was glad to read your ideas, vic... that guitar stuff...... let's not deceive ourselves, I probably wouldn't get it done without help... maybe I can record the vocal part at least so you get some kind of feeling what I have in mind...(keeping my fingers crossed! :wink: )
all that stuff about changing style but keeping things really surprised me first... I mean, I didn't notice....... but then again you're surely right............. I'm just relieved you all agree that I've managed to keep what was sort of 'special'.......
vic, your reading between the lines might not be very far from it...... true, writing has somewhat changed for me since being in a relationship- new fears, old fears, new happiness, changing for the better or worse and finally writing more personal stuff(not that the pieces I wrote before weren't personal or close to me, but it was more in an abstract way then.. I dunno how to explain this)........ er.... :wink:

thanks pbee for those kind words :)

oh, that's two guys in a row not having posted in a loooong time- hey geoffrey and scratchmonkey, makes me happy to hear from you again :D

geoffrey, I do know REM(of course) but not those songs you mentioned- amazon.com got me at least "country feedback" and "e-bow the letter" and as far as I can tell from that 30 seconds I like them.... that would be worth a try.... (and dam.n I didn't know they have so many albums... I knew they must have lots but they have loads)

scratch, course I remember you.
I see your point with the change you suggested, but(there always has to be a but, aye :wink: ) it would somewhat alter what I meant to say, see, first there's:
Letting me down
Bringing you down
and then
And everything is better than sticking low to the ground
and if I changed it to "but it's better than.." that would(if I'm right) mean, that bringing somebody down/being let down is better than sticking low to the ground- which is weird, as bringing down/letting down=sticking low to the ground(if anyone understands that)
anyways...... thanks for bothering and suggesting;)

really, all your comments were very uplifting, thank you very much:)
cheers,
bluenightangel

p.s. hope you'll get a chance to hear this someday...... if I'm lucky.........

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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