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Y4week6 defeat#3

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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey:) I love the title... thought I had to transform what I already had for the week a bit to fit it this title- not sure if this transforming thing went good or not... it's the bracketed parts(but I didn't only put them in brackets so you can see which the transormed parts are- it's also because I imagine these parts to be sung differently...from the off...whatever.. a vage idea)

Defeat #3

Once I fell for poetry and that hopeless idea of constancy
But age has taught me, it's fiction, really

There's change and instability
There's loss and labyrinths
Anyone would get lost in
And good things..
...never happen twice

Or so I
Thought
[sober up]
[sober up]
[retreat- what a defeat]

Therefore my politics were apathy as well as cowardice
And never dropping that smile in public
I believed there's only so much one can reach
But then reaching you has confused me

Again I began falling for those old ideas
Yet the formerly familiar sea
Has transformed radically
The waters are unsteady
And I could drown any second now

Maybe I'm
Bound
[to lose]
[you]
[allowing this thought- defeat#2]

The amount of what I could lose doubled in size
This new weight, this new scale
Might turn this place into my burial site

Oh, I
Fear defeat #3

...scale means emotional/mood scale... maybe I should add one of these adjectives to the lyrics?

hope you like it.
cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Yet the formerly familiar sea
Has transformed radically
The waters are unsteady
And I could drown any second nowAnne, having been away from SSG for a while, one of the best things about being back is getting back to reading your work! I love it! No one else around here writes like you do - it's all good.

Anyway, I think this one is ALMOST one of your best. I love the bracketed bits, I like them where they are too.
My only question is about this bit:The amount of what I could lose doubled in size
This new weight, this new scale
Might turn this place into my burial siteFirst of all to answer your question, no, don't put anything before the word 'scale'. No need.

Secondly, I felt it needed more there. I see your fear of defeat #3, but you've not spent enough time making me feel it, I don't think. Take a line or two to show us this new world you are living in before you say how it might be your end.

That make any sense? Maybe I've just got this totally differently than you intended, but hopefully that comment will help in some way!
Great stuff though - and defeat #3 is a great title!

G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I like it, even the bits in brackets - could see them being done in a different voice, sort of a "Call and response"...

I find it difficult sometimes to look at your songs objectively, having followed your work for about 18 months now...

Like the last few songs you've done, I think it shows a more tightly focussed style, slightly less imagery than of old, though still plenty there...

Or to put it another way, you tell a good story in a very distinctive style, with enough mystery to keep the reader interested....

"There's loss and labyrinths
Anyone would get lost in
And good things..
...never happen twice"

"My politics were apathy as well as cowardice".....particularly liked those bits....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

thanks G :oops:

for you.... okay, I tried to come up with some additional lines but am totally insecure if this would be right adding:
The amount of what I could lose doubled in size
Limitless smiles and a definition of “worthwhile”
Crutches and feeble falls all through all absences

This new weight, this new scale
Might turn this place into my burial site
(the italic lines are new, you sure noticed)
what do you think?

hey vic... that "call and reponse" thing sounds interesting, would definitely work for the first bracketed lines......
sorry if it's less imagery.... there's not much I can do about it... I can rarely influence my writing... :wink:

thank you both for commenting :D
cheers
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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