hey.. "a life time of sadness" .. that drew me in :wink: .. it's just two verses.. and i altered the last line of your chorus, blueline... hope you'll still like it.
title: the celt
chorus: blueline
Reservoir Road
He closed the map and followed the road
The radio was just static, a perfect soundtrack
Still he left the car unlocked three miles ago
The seat and the wheel had felt unreal
She climbed a tree that trembled like a carcass
The wind warned her, but this is compassion
Hours later she took her leave with
A heart shake's feeble crack for company
They both caught the light there on Reservoir Road
And for a brief moment they shared a passing glance
He saw a lifetime of sadness in her eyes
Before she faded into darkness
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hi there,
I like where this seems to be going but would like to see more verses.
Two comments
First, for some reason the chorus suggests to me two people passing briefly whereas this suggests the opposite.
Second - the line trembled like a carcass kind of jarred for me (i dont know if its the word carcass or that I dont think they tremble) it doesnt seem to flow.
Apart from that im looking forward to the rest.
Cheers
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
Hi Straycat
I like the idea here - a lifetime in the blink of an eye. You've managed to distill that idea and put it across quite well although it definitely needs another verse to finish off the story.
I have to agree with Ola though carcasses don't tremble the image doesn't make sense in that respect. I'd have to go with something like:
She climbed a tree that danced with the breeze
Good start
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
