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Y5week51 reservoir road (the celt + blueline)


(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey.. "a life time of sadness" .. that drew me in .. it's just two verses.. and i altered the last line of your chorus, blueline... hope you'll still like it.

title: the celt
chorus: blueline

Reservoir Road

He closed the map and followed the road
The radio was just static, a perfect soundtrack
Still he left the car unlocked three miles ago
The seat and the wheel had felt unreal

She climbed a tree that trembled like a carcass
The wind warned her, but this is compassion
Hours later she took her leave with
A heart shake's feeble crack for company

They both caught the light there on Reservoir Road
And for a brief moment they shared a passing glance
He saw a lifetime of sadness in her eyes
Before she faded into darkness

cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


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(@montezuma)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 121
 

Hi there,
I like where this seems to be going but would like to see more verses.
Two comments
First, for some reason the chorus suggests to me two people passing briefly whereas this suggests the opposite.
Second - the line trembled like a carcass kind of jarred for me (i dont know if its the word carcass or that I dont think they tremble) it doesnt seem to flow.
Apart from that im looking forward to the rest.
Cheers
Ola

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh


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 Bob
(@bob)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 912
 

Hi Straycat

I like the idea here - a lifetime in the blink of an eye. You've managed to distill that idea and put it across quite well although it definitely needs another verse to finish off the story.

I have to agree with Ola though carcasses don't tremble the image doesn't make sense in that respect. I'd have to go with something like:

She climbed a tree that danced with the breeze

Good start

Bob

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


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