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Y6week3 where clouds were a blanket

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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey. not really happy with this one, and probably not really as neutral as possible. anyway, time is a bastard and so I thought i'd post something now, instead of nothing later :wink:

Where clouds were a blanket

A boy of eight is lying low
In a garden deserted, next to a window
Of a basement where a painter gathers his belongings
He mutters lines of a letter
He once picked up from a doorstep
To place in the pocket of a woollen cardigan his mother had knitted
She wanders the suburb
Clasping a receipt that will bring back
The negatives of a winter she lost in an attic room
Where as the snow dissolved
So did she, leaving her prize-winning flowerbeds empty.

maybe you got some suggestions...
cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

I like what you've written . . . . though I don't quite hear a song. A possible suggestion . . . . the transitions from a boy in a garden next to a window in the basement where a painter . . . . . . works really well. The transition to mother, not as well. Perhaps if, instead of she wanders the suburb to where his mother knitted the cardigan . . . . it might make more sense. Could she of knitted it in the attic? Too, I'm missing what the "receipt" is. Clue me in?

Excellent imagery!

Neil


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Straycat

I think this work very well from the observational view point and
I like the simplicity and brevity of it.

The only fault I find is you start off with such a strong rhyme..
A boy of eight is lying low
In a garden deserted, next to a window

... and then loose it after that.
If you could find a way to work more of a pattern into it
I think that would improve the piece.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@fraydoc)
Eminent Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 23
 

Hi, Straycat,
I think this works more as poetry than as a song lyric. It is very melancholy and strangely evocative but I find it difficult to see how it might be sung effectively. Of the 3 song lyrics I've ever written [not sure if, on that basis, I'm qualified to comment!] I've found it easier to write to a tune or perhaps a rhythm. Ties in with a previous link about poetry versus lyric writing. Both this and 'Winterraedingbok' have a wistful and enigmatic feel more akin to poetry...
Cheers, David


   
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(@raystrack)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 123
 

A boy of eight is lying low
In a garden deserted, next to a window
Of a basement where a painter gathers his belongings
He mutters lines of a letter
He once picked up from a doorstep
To place in the pocket of a woollen cardigan his mother had knitted
She wanders the suburb
Clasping a receipt that will bring back
The negatives of a winter she lost in an attic room
Where as the snow dissolved
So did she, leaving her prize-winning flowerbeds empty.

Now this I LIKE - a mystery story that you have to pay attention to as it builds.

There are so many images and paths off to left and right e.g. why is such a young child lying low (like an outlaw trying to stay undetected?). Is the painter part of the story or is it just that the boy's or someone else's home is being done up to sell? What was the receipt for and why would it be kept? Why did she spend a Winter in an attic? Is she an artist with a garrett room in France or perhaps an artist's lady?

Is the 'she' the boy's mother or another character on a path that runs parallel with his: ending with the same fate / questions/answers or a contrasting theme that can be brought out in a chorus?. Do these two lives converge?

So many possibilities and it deserves to be a song rather than a poem IMHO.

I like snow melting and hearts melting rather than dissolving and I'm not too keen on the prize-winning flower beds but that could link to the boy in the garden.

Do have a another go at completing it - it deserves it. Great stuff!

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

hey everyone. thanks for the input, and thanks for the encouragement :D
I did a tiny bit of re-writing (also put in spaces so it's easier to see the structure), have a look if you like:

Where clouds were a blanket

A boy of eight is lying low
In a garden deserted, next to a window
Of a basement where a painter gathers his belongings

He mutters lines of a manuscript
He once picked up from a doorstep
To place in the pocket of a cardigan his mother had knitted

She wanders the suburb
Clutching a receipt that will return
The negatives of a winter she lost up in an attic room

Where as the snow dissolved,
So did she, her precious flowerbeds seized by the wilderness.

well.. it was a try :lol:
cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@pearlthekat)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1468
 

i think this is real good just not the traditional song format kind of thing. it maybe needs one more verse to resolve the lyric..like what happens, or what are they thinking, or something.....maybe a bridge to explain something and tie it together into a 'song."


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
Topic starter  

thanks pearl, you mad me take another look... another idea for the last bit:

Where as the snow dissolved,
So did she

Her precious flowerbeds
Once an ocean of colour unsurpassed
Were swallowed by the wilderness.

needs tweaking maybe. just wanted to post it right away.
cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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