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Y7 W45: "Your Pointing Finger"

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(@klepsydra)
Eminent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

Well, the brief didn't say that it had to be about somebody who influenced my creativity in a positive way....

YOUR POINTING FINGER

Dried out fifty five, you were only half alive
And your humanity was in the half that died
You remembered how to hate in your semi-human state
But you hadn't any love still left inside

Your pointing finger, filled us all with fear
Made everyone wish they could just disappear
And though you're long since dead somehow your ghost still lingers here

You never uttered praise throughout all your many days
Destructive criticism was your trope
The feedback that you'd give was entirely negative
You enjoyed it when you strangled someone's hope

Your pointing finger, filled me with dismay
Crushed the life out of me each and every single day
The image of your finger remains with me, I can't make it go away

Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing straight at me

Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing the way to misery

Now you're the one who's dead and I'm alive instead
You thought you'd strangled my imagination
But it was you who failed, not me,
Still I can take pride in the action of creation

Your pointing finger, once made me aghast
Now your pointing finger's fading in the past
Now the time has come for me to exorcise it at long last

Your pointing finger

Your pointing finger

"You do things I cannot see, the only fool around here is me. I see things you cannot do, the only fool around here is you."


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Good start :D

I like the idea of symbolizing a person down to one body part :D Some parts are rhyming and other not....intentional or not?

Suggestion:
Consider trimming down the lyrics when possible without losing meaning.
For example-

YOUR POINTING FINGER
RHYMING LINES 1,2, 4
Dried out fifty five, you were only half alive NICE LINE :D
your humanity was the half that died
You KNEW how to hate in your semi-human state
But you haD NO love left inside

RHYMING LINES 1,2, 4
Your pointing finger, filled us all with fear
Made everyone wish they could just disappear
though you're long since dead
somehow your ghost still lingers here

RHYMING LINES (1), 2, 4....ETC.....
You never uttered praise throughout your many days..HOW ABOUT...the thought of giving praise made you want to choke
Destructive criticism was your trope
The feedback that you'd give was entirely negative
You enjoyed it when you strangled someone's hope

Your pointing finger, filled me with dismay
Crushed the life out of me each and every single day
The image of your finger remains with me, I can't make it go away

NICE PARALLELING & REPETITION
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing straight at me

Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing the way to misery

........With so much anger going on and "the pointing finger", you could mention something about offering "the bird finger" back to him as a tribute :twisted:


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

You never uttered praise throughout all your many days
Destructive criticism was your trope

So it's obviously not a song about the SSG then...... :lol:
Well, the brief didn't say that it had to be about somebody who influenced my creativity in a positive way....

Anyway you approach the assignment is fine by me - if it gets you writing, that's a good thing. Positive, negative, dark, light, yin, yang, you say Yes, I say No......the whole point of this forum is to take whatever slant you want on the assignment.

I like this - turning the tables on the critics in a positive way - and turning the assignment on its head in a positive way, instead of "thanks for teaching me to write" it's more of a "thanks a lot for saying I'd NEVER write anything worth reading - and to prove you wrong, here it is!"

It reads to me like a son saying to a father, "you never gave me the slightest bit of encouragement - so I tried harder, but not for you, for ME!!!"

Good song, keep 'em coming!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi klepsydra,

this is a good start, I think this has the makings of a good song. Tightening up on the meter and rhyming scheme would definitely enhance this song. The “Pointing finger” chorus reads well with its simplicity as a contrast to the verses. Good work

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

Hullo!

I like the song, some excellent lines like the two opening lines! And, oh yes, been there felt that. Excorcising, that's the word! Difficult though, that.
As I'm weak with metres and rhythm, I can't add to that, but I do think that loosening a couple of lines would tighten it all up very nicely and emphasise the great lines you have in there.

E.g. you might cut the green ones:

YOUR POINTING FINGER

Dried out fifty five, you were only half alive
And your humanity was in the half that died
You remembered how to hate in your semi-human state
But you hadn't any love still left inside

Your pointing finger, filled us all with fear
Made everyone wish they could just disappear
And though you're long since dead somehow your ghost still lingers here

You never uttered praise throughout all your many days
Destructive criticism was your trope
The feedback that you'd give was entirely negative
[And] You enjoyed it when you strangled someone's hope

Your pointing finger, filled me with dismay
Crushed the life out of me each and every single day
The image of your finger remains with me, I can't make it go away

Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing straight at me

Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger
Your pointing finger, pointing the way to misery

Now you're the one who's dead and I'm alive instead
You thought you'd strangled my imagination
But it was you who failed, not me,
Still I can take pride in the action of creation

Your pointing finger, once made me aghast
Now your pointing finger's fading in the past
Now the time has come for me to exorcise it at long last

Your pointing finger

Your pointing finger

Of course, only my 2 cents. Can easily be ignored :D
Cheers,
straycat.

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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