Y7 Week 13 - The Greatest Prize - Dylan Barrett

Looks like you're off to a great start!

I really enjoyed the metaphor of the butterfly there.

Trapped, but enjoying the time, at the same time just waiting to be free again. Nice job! Can't wait to hear this put to music.

I like.
Very descriptive.
Climbing up the steps, being greeted by the flight attendants, staring out the window . . . bumping down to Earth.
I can picture you writing this on the plane.

One line change suggestion . . . where the plane lands . . .

The gentle nudge of earth it stirs me
I step out to the warmth of ecstacy

I step out to a warm island breeze

I had a hard time with this line though . . .

The steel steps chime beneath a leaden sky
Is that you marching up the steps to board your winged cocoon?
It doesn't need changing . . . just means it wasn't obvious until I got the whole picture and then going back and reading it . . . . putting it into context it makes sense . . . if it's you stomping up those steps to the plane.

love those warm tropical breezes, 8)
KR2

Hey Dylan,

It looks like you've really hit a groove with the lyrical imagery :D

I like the 1st two verses.

Suggestion:
#1
I know this is very American, but I still like it :?
Nothing to focus in this blue expanse
My heart is warming and it starts to dance
I think about the girl living state side
I smile the feelings that I just can't hide
#2
-I read recently it's better to not rhyme all four line endings in a verse b/c it lacks variety to the ear. [SEE BELOW]
We face each other as the crowds rush by
I hold her close and we both close our eyes
I hate it when I have to leave I tell no lie
But coming home is just the greatest prize
#3
I see how greatest prize is here, but it's only in here once...you have "Coming Home" multiple times....what about that for a title?

Nice write. :D

James

FYI
Lyrical Contrast 140 SongU.com
Lesson One
Contrast Using Rhyme Sounds

Lesson Objective
During this lesson you will:

* Contrast using rhyme sounds
* Discover the importance of varying rhyme sounds in your lyric
* Learn how to incorporate contrast in your lyric using rhyme sounds

Lesson Introduction
Rhymes are fundamental to songwriting. They add to the flow of the lyric and help keep the listener interested. The use of rhyme is also one of the things that makes songwriting so challenging. Using the same rhyme sound throughout the entire lyric can become monotonous. If you are unfamiliar with rhyme and rhyming techniques, there are other lyric courses at SongU.com that focus strictly on the various types and ways to rhyme. This lesson will show you how, by using contrasting rhyme sounds, you can add interest to your lyric.

Lesson Content
Why vary the rhyme sounds? Let's see how to use rhyme sounds to add contrast to a lyric and make it more interesting. Read the following lyric example aloud:

Even after all we've been through
I'm in love with you
And no one else will do
I thought I was in love a time or two
But that was before I knew
You are my dream come true

Notice how the long "u" sound becomes monotonous by the time you have heard it six times.

How do we create contrast using rhyme sounds? You can create contrast by changing the rhyme sound before it becomes monotonous. Let's see what happens if we change the rhyme sound in the second three lines:

Even after all we've been through
I'm in love with you
And no one else will do
I thought I was in love once or twice before
But the proof has gotten too hard to ignore
With you I can't ask for anything more

Yeah, I know, this isn't the most captivating lyric. But the point is that changing the rhyme sound in the example above helps break up the monotony of the original lyric. You can vary the primary vowel sounds of the rhymes throughout your entire lyric. For example, if you use a long "e" rhyme sound in the first two lines of the verse (be/see), use a different rhyme sound in the next two lines of the verse (light/night). This kind of contrast also applies to all the other sections of your song such as the chorus or bridge. In order to keep the rhymes sounding fresh to the listener, try not to reuse too many of the same vowel sounds.

Example: Think of Alicia Key's hit single, "A Woman's Worth." This song runs the gamut of rhyme sounds: a, u, aw, long e, long o, long u, long i, and more. This is undeniably one of the things that makes listening to the song so enjoyable. You can use the iTunes link below to listen to the song sample and/or purchase the full song. Or you can search for the song using your favorite media player (show me how).

Alicia Keys - Songs In A Minor - A Woman's Worth

Here are a few hit songs in different genres that use contrasting rhyme sounds:

* "Just To See You Smile" writers: M. Nessler/T. Martin, recorded by Tim McGraw
* "Hot In Herre" writers: P. Williams/C. Brown/C. Haynes, recorded by Nelly
* "Objection Tango" written & recorded by Shakira
* "If I Could Turn Back Time" writer: D. Warren, recorded by Cher
* "Your Body Is A Wonderland" written & recorded by John Mayer

Lesson Summary
Using a variety of rhyme sounds throughout your lyric helps keep the lyric fresh and the listener tuned in rather than tuned out. Once you begin to consciously think about contrasting rhyme sounds, you'll probably find that many of the songs you listen to have them. You can post your findings to the discussion board for this lesson.

James,

I don't want to steal DB's thread but . . . if I may . . .

For my own curiosity, and for future use, what would be said about changing the rhyme during the song.

I mean, if you started out with and ABAB in verse one and then in verse two went to AABB . . .

Is that a big no-no . . . does it sound bad? . . . is it noticeably bad sounding?

Hi guys

Yeh, thanks for the input - i thought it was quite a sweet song. As for writing it on a plane - hahaha - I wish. Still stuck here in grim old Inglaterre....
love those warm tropical breezes, 8)

I got rid of about twenty more verses and tropical breezes, azure seas, etcceses etceeses. I think what I'm trying to get across is when you've had a flight and you step out onto the stairs and stretch and feel the warm and think, yeh, this is better.... I know ecstacy is probably well over the top but I struggled a little bit. I will have another think...

As for the beginning, glad it made you think, because it's supposed to do that and start off with a real dismal, trudging sort of feeling - actually you get onto the plane through a warm tube nowadays so maybe I need to find something else to describe that part of the journey...

James, yes. I looked at those lines. Sang them, once and twice and decided to leave them. I maybe will change 'I tell no lie' to something else and leave 'prize' at the end.

"stateside' eh? I suppose to salvage the song I could consider it....still thinking....still thinking....

As for the title - I can only say one thing - What's Her Name, Virginia Plain..... :wink:

Rock on!
D 8)

Dylan, I apologize, I completely missed the mark in what I thought the imagery was producing, I think I got hung up on the "cocoon" line and that's where my thoughts took me.

Nice song still though, doesn't change my opinion there.

Good use of imagery, nice flow to it, well-developed storyline....do I need to add anything more? Another good one, DB, another keeper I think. Pint of Fuller's for the man in the shades, please......

:D :D :D

Vic