Y7 Week 18 - Train of Thought - Dylan Barrett

Dylan,

It's looking good :D
I like this line for that anticipation..."Ten thousand miles been driving got just ten miles more"
I like this line as well for the imagery, "The tarmac melting as i cross a county line"...That happened in Anaheim when they first open Disneyland "The heat of the day melted the recently laid asphalt, and women's high heels stuck in the stuff. " http://disney.go.com/disneyatoz/familymuseum/collection/masterworks/disneyland/index.html

Suggestions:
1
I've heard the reference to seeing the "black dog" when trucker's get really tired you could consider referencing:

If you see the black dog...

Every one of you has been there.
Your faculties are starting to fade
and your nodding off at the wheel.
You're starting to dance around in the lane
( or into the other lane ) when you see it.
I'm talking about the black dog that jumps
out from the brush beyond the shoulder.
Not your neighbor's mascot, but one that has
popped up out of your head from the lack of
delusionary dreamland that keeps your rhythms
in check.

It may appear as the black dog, a flock of geese,
or something dark and fuzzy crawling in the road.
When you do see it one thing is certain.
It's time to pull over and get off the
road quick or you may find yourself
bottoms up in the ditch.
http://www.layover.com/forums/layovers-lounge-archive/t-if-you-see-the-black-dog-6334.html

2
Consider clarifying the setting/time frame.
The setting seems a bit in conflict...anticipation of seeing his love in the next 10 miles vs. "The next motel is calling another night another bed."....He's going to be with her in roughly 10 or 15 mins. but decides to sleep at a hotel and finish off the drive in the morning?

3
What you have tells enough of a snapshot of a story, which might be as deep as you want to go on this one. Consider fleshing out the characters as to what their relationship is or what they plan to do after the "retirement"....take a road trip? :lol:

Most of what you have can stand as is....I'm just playing a little "what if" exploration so disregard whatever doesn't fit your intention :wink:

James

Hi James

Thanks for the input. Yeh, I've seen that black dog running in front of me a few times in the past - very odd...
I like the idea. Takes the song to a different genre, almost soft rock, Nickleback type maybe...
I've added in a little bit of flesh to the relationship, but not much and hopefully sorted out the timeline by changing some of the wording....

It's really useful being able to post a song and get another pair of eyes looking over it. The simplest of continuity you just miss as you're wirting it. But then what should we expect in a couple of hours.... :roll:

Let me know what you think, changed bits in italics:

Train of Thought

My eyes are heavy as I focus on the road
White line become an arrow waitin to unload
I see a black dog dancing somewhere up ahead
But I still pass motels where I used to lay my head

The steering wheel is getting heavy ‘neath my grip
I've made my mind up this has to be my last trip
Too old the energy had disappeared some years ago
In countless towns and cities tryin' to get back home

Ten thousand miles been driving got just ten miles more
To see your smiling face I've nearly made it to your shore
And all the roads I've travelled, the cities, towns and ports
When my mind begins to tire you are my train of thought

In the darkness of the night I used to see your face
It makes me certain I should not be in this place
I missed you more each day more than you'll ever know
Each day each night each drop of rain each flake of snow

Hot summers day the aircon working overtime
The tarmac melting as I cross a county line
Oh how I need my wife to get my life on track
Another ten miles and I won't be looking back

Ten thousand miles been driving got just ten miles more
To see your smiling face I've nearly made it to your shore
And all the roads I've travelled, the cities, towns and ports
When my mind begins to tire you are my train of thought
When my mind begins to tire you are my train of thought

Thanks.

Rock on!
D 8)

Dyan,

Nice job on the rewrite :D ....I think you have achieved more clarity and the idea flows better.

Suggestion:

Consider revising this line "In the darkness of the night I used to see your face"

I like the black dog added, but now it crosses the image here...[visions in the dark being bad vs. visions in the dark being good]....I think some truck drivers keep pictures of loved ones on their dashboards or posted somewhere in their cabs like office workers keep pics on their desks....maybe you can reference to her photo being the driver's reminder of what he's working so hard for.

keep on truckin' :wink:

James

Yep, I agree . . . the rewrite is clearer.

How about door . . . instead of shore?

Going to get some coffee . . .

YHow about door . . . instead of shore?
Going to get some coffee . . .

Yeh, thought of door but then if you've ten miles more to go, that's a very long hallway... :roll:

And thought shore married up nice to 'ports' at the end of the second line...

Milk, no sugar. Thanks...And none of that percolated stuff either, instant is fine..

Rock on!
D 8)

Like both but the rewrite is definitely better, Dylan. Good job on that.

Only line I'd think about changing is this one:

Each day each night each drop of rain each fall of snow

And this is just a personal thing. You've individualized (and implied a numbering of) the days and nights and even the rain by using the word "each" and managed to count the rain by "drops." So how about doing the same with the snow:

Each day each night each drop of rain each flake of snow

Now I also don't know how the music is shaping up in your head, but when I'm singing this to myself I can work that line out to be:

Each day each night each drop of rain and every flake of snow

But that might not work for you. Just a thought, though.

Very nice work. Can't wait to hear it.

Peace

Ah, Dylan - to come so far in such a short space of time - it wasn't so long ago I was reading a post of yours saying how you'd like to record an original song before you'd completed your first year of guitar playing. You did that, and now you're going from strength to strength...how many originals have you got behind you now, and not one of them a duffer?

I think James (he's a REAL asset to this forum, isn't he!) has covered most of the salient points...and one of those little "a word here and there CAN make a difference" posts from DH covered the other one. So all I'll add is just keep 'em coming, mate and rock on....with or without shades! The future's so bright.....

(Google that last phrase - there was a record by a band called, I think, Timbuktu back in about 86 or 87 - have a listen, if you can find it!)

:D :D :D

Vic

Each day each night each drop of rain each flake of snow

Yes Dave, thanks, that does sound better...
I think James (he's a REAL asset to this forum, isn't he!) has covered most of the salient points...and one of those little "a word here and there CAN make a difference" posts from DH covered the other one. So all I'll add is just keep 'em coming, mate and rock on....with or without shades! The future's so bright...

Agreed, I love reading the comments and you sometimes wonder why you didn't think of them yourself... :wink: The collaborative skills of this forum really work well and although I like my songs not to be too deep, there's always some nuggets when your sifting through that are worth keeping - hey, I'm a rich man. Thanks.

Rock on!
D 8)

Hi Dylan,

Nice lyrics. You definitely have the knack for painting the metaphorical picture. I like it very much.

Since you seem to be writing in the present moment I think you should change the "I'll" to "I" in the line But I'll still pass motels where I used to lay my head

That's it. Thanks for posting it.

stikman

Hey, thanks stickman

Attention to detail - I like it.... :D

I read through the song again and it's funny how I have written it playing it out in America.

I suppose because tarmac doesn't normally melt in the UK and they use different tarmac on the continent which doesn't seem to melt either so melting tarmac and crossing the county line makes this song a good 'ole US of A number. And cruising along a long endless road into the sunset at 55mph or whatever the speed limit is now just feels right.

Rock on!
D 8)