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Y7W16 -- Nothing Yet -- Joe Hempel

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(@joehempel)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2415
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I resurrected a song that I had been working on but stopped. I posted it on here quite a while ago, and got a couple tips from KR2, and I thought it would lend itself nicely to a duet, so I changed up some lyrics and added female lines to it. Now all I have to do is convince my wife to sing it with me. Who knows? Maybe she will LOL. It's called "Nothing Yet", no not they way BTO sings it, but a very slow melodic ballad.

Nothing Yet

We pulled into the empty field one fall. <--this verse is all male
Laid the blanket out onto the grass
The sky dissolved from blue to red
We turned and smiled at the display in the night.

As We laid and watched our midnight show <--male only
I pulled her close and/he held her/me in my/his arms <--female comes in over the male on "and"
Our hearts began to beat in time <--female only
We swore we were the only ones alive <--female only

[chorus]
And all the passion and fire we held inside <--both
Came to life beneath those streaks of light <--male
He turns to me and says that he's in love <--female
Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet <--male

As the fire begins to burst in the sky <--female
I see the wonder reflecting in her eyes <--male
I clearly see the future days to come <--male
With him I want to spend my life <--female

[chorus]
And all the passion and fire we held inside <--both
Came to life beneath those streaks of light <--female
She turns to me and says that she's in love <--male
Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet <--female

--instrumental break--

[bridge] <--both for all of bridge
Love can be a funny thing
It's there but can remain unseen
It doesn't show itself until the time is right
Lying here with you tonight, I realize your everything
And know it's how I want to spend my life

We fell asleep as the show came to an end <--male
Wrapped up to hold the love inside <--female
As the sun lifted it's head to break they day <--male
In each others arms, we both began to cry <--both

[chorus]
And all the passion and fire we felt inside <--both
Came to life beneath those streaks of light <--both
We know what it feels like to be in love <--both
Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet <--female
No baby, you ain't seen nothing yet. <--male

[outro]

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@alangreen)
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Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

A moment frozen in time. I think it works.

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Joe,

Good start :D The way it's jumping back and forth and overlapping, I keep hearing "Endless Love"

Suggestions:
#1
It's probably minor and shouldn't change the meaning, but the only thing that keeps throwing me off is the verb tense between past and present. Consider checking for consistency.

Example
And all the passion and fire we held inside <--both PAST
Came to life beneath those streaks of light <--male PAST
He turns to me and says that he's in love <--female PRESENT
Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet <--male PRESENT

As the fire began to burst in the sky <--female PAST
I see the wonder reflected in her eyes <--male PRESENT
I clearly see the future days to come <--male PRESENT
With him I want to spend my life <--female PRESENT

#2
They WE pulled into the empty field one fall. <--this verse is all male
Laid the blanket out onto the grass
The sky disolved from blue to red
We turned and smiled at the display in the night.

#3
With him I want to spend my life <--female
This line seems a bit out of flow
what about:
I want to spend my life with him.
Depending on the music you have in mind, life could still be an extended rhyme of night

Take what works and toss the rest :wink:
James


   
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(@joehempel)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2415
Topic starter  

It's probably minor and shouldn't change the meaning, but the only thing that keeps throwing me off is the verb tense between past and present. Consider checking for consistency.

DOH!! First I had it first person, then 3rd person, then back again, and I thought I changed everything, but I guess I didn't, thanks for pointing that out. I'll be changing that.
#3
With him I want to spend my life <--female
This line seems a bit out of flow
what about:
I want to spend my life with him.
Depending on the music you have in mind, life could still be an extended rhyme of night

It was kind of a way to sort or rhyme with eyes, sky, etc. The way the music in my head is going the not goes up, and it just didn't sound good to go up with "him". Although I don't think that this week there will be an mp3, I can't convince my wife to sing the female parts LOL.

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 176
 

I like it. The with him want to spend life line, I think you should keep as you had it... it's ok to write in ways we wouldn't normally speak to fit the song. It isn't too awkward. I wonder if it could be made more personal at some points. "With you I want to spend my life."? and so on.
I don't think that this week there will be an mp3, I can't convince my wife to sing the female parts LOL.

I've been wondering if I could get my wife to do that... but it's a moot point as I haven't written anything yet. :wink:

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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