OK, so . . . since Vic chose a comment of mine for this week's assignment,
I felt obliged to contribute . . . :mrgreen:
I started off with intentions of making it somewhat humorous . . .
and then intended it to be something that Kris Kristofferson might do . . . but got caught up with describing Hell.
So it's winding up like something from Paradise Lost or The Inferno or one of those Dante novels.
How I Spent My Afterlife (or Hotel Hell)
I figured some day I'd see you
Although I was hoping not
Can't say I'm glad to be here
Damnation. It sure is hot
Yes, I have a reservation
Made many years ago
Paid for with a sordid life
Arriving at six feet below
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
Wails of grief, gnashing of teeth,
Its victims endure eternal doom
Yeh, I walked a twisted road
With sins too far to number
And here lies the bed I've made
Yet forbidden (ever) to slumber
‘Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter'
Engraved above its gate
Here you'll find no mercy
And no retreat from your fate
‘Welcome to Hell', says Satan
Baring his teeth with a grin
‘Welcome to my (cursed) kingdom
And all the torment within'
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
Wails of grief, gnashing of teeth,
Its victims endure eternal doom
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Nice attempt at Kristofferson style songwriting. Look forward to hearing it. Very good description of the Carbon Coated Gates. (As opposed to Pearly.) :P
Take care,
Casey
KR
As Shady said"Nice attempt at Kristofferson" The first verse sounds very much like him.
One small suggestion. Why not make the chorus a little more personal.
Instead of:
Its victims endure eternal doom
Maybe something like:
Here I'll endure an eternal doom
Just A Thought
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
I started off with intentions of making it somewhat humorous . . .
and then intended it to be something that Kris Kristofferson might do . . . but got caught up with describing Hell.
Yeah, you've got to go where the muse takes you....I'm inclined to agree with Celt here, it'd read a little better if it was a bit more proactive.....
"This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
Wails of grief, gnashing of teeth,
Its victims endure eternal doom.."
I'd be tempted (oops, sorry!) to change the last line to something like "Where (if you can fit that word in?) we victims face eternal doom..." - "face," having one syllable less than "endure," seemed to scan better to me...and gives the image of eternity stretching out in front of you.
I think "Hotel Hell" is marginally better than "How I Spent My Afterlife" for a title - I really don't like the latter, the tense is all wrong - you haven't spent it yet, it's stretching out in front of you, remember? Maybe something like "Hotel not-so-Paradiso" would work?
Looking pretty good so far though Ken - and thanks again for the idea for the assignment!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Ken,
Good start. :twisted: oops.... :D Yes, it ends a bit of a downer but...it is Hell you're writing about :roll:
Seems most of the song is setting up the facts saying this is how it is....but consider more lyrics in the verbs or actions of telling a story...maybe elaborate his life or attempt to not go to Hell or the now ok ....this is Hell.....what now?
I have a feeling it will be a late entry for me this week....it's hard to find a balance either it's too serious or too goofy :|
Thanks for sharing.
James
Seems most of the song is setting up the facts saying this is how it is....but consider more lyrics in the verbs or actions of telling a story...maybe elaborate his life or attempt to not go to Hell or the now ok ....this is Hell.....what now?
Good point, James
Maybe from the . . . what now? perspective I can talk about another chance . . .
Sort of a Ricky Nelson Garden Party "I learned my lesson well . . . in hell" :mrgreen: type thing.
In that case maybe this is purgatory . . . So maybe a title of Hotel Purgatory?
Thanks for the input everyone . . . when John told me I should personalize this song . . .
I wasn't sure if he was telling me I should go to . . . nevermind . . . John wouldn't do that. :mrgreen: (RSVP)
BTW, John, (from your sig) "It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt . . . love that song!
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
. when John told me I should personalize this song . . .
I wasn't sure if he was telling me I should go to . . . nevermind . . . John wouldn't do that. :mrgreen: (RSVP)
You can go wherever you want :wink: . That is totally up to you and your belief system.
What I was saying is the song is about the narrator's experience and I think you
should keep that track in the chorus instead of talking about other victims.
BTW, John, (from your sig) "It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt . . . love that song!
I've been on a bit of a quest to learn more about Townes since I saw Steve Earle perform as
part of his Townes Tribute Tour about two weeks ago.
Great songwriter and a tragic life .
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
looks good. as to humor, could be in how you perform it - see the Squirrel Nut Zippers song "Afterlife", which has a similar tone lyrically, yet comes across as humorous.
jeremy
And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876
OK, second revision . . .
Final Reservation
Can't say I'm glad to be here
You said we'd meet again
I've known you for a long time
But I wouldn't call you friend
Yes, I have a reservation
Made many years ago
Paid for with a wicked life
And due upon my death
Yeh, I walked a twisted road
With wrongs too far to number
And here lies the bed I've made
But forbidden to ever slumber
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
Gnashing of teeth, wails of grief
A victim of eternal doom
‘Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter'
Engraved above its gate
Here there is no mercy
And no retreat from fate
‘Welcome to Hell', says Satan
Baring teeth with a grin
‘Welcome to my kingdom
And all the torment within'
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
Gnashing of teeth, wails of grief
A victim of eternal doom
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hey Ken,
Looks like your opting for more the serious approach on this one. Let me play devil's advocate :twisted: I still see more room for a story line or interaction between the singer and the devil. The beginning is a bit "this is why I am here" but lacks interesting details...the National Inquirer version "inquiring minds want to know" :wink:
Then the last part of the song are more statements..."This is hell...this is hell...you are in hell" ...but again not much interaction.
James
Good one KR
There's plenty been said...phew - can't keep up with it all... :shock:
My only reservation, final or otherwise :roll: is the word 'gnashing'
It's awkward - can't remember any song using the word 'gnashing' but that's not to say......
How about:
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
The grind of teeth and wails of grief
A victim of eternal doom
It's good though....
Rock on!
D 8)
I'm nowhere near Chicago. I've got six string, 8 fingers, two thumbs, it's dark 'cos I'm wearing sunglasses - Hit it!
Good suggestions from all.
JT: Yeh, I got hung up on describing hell and need to get back to my initial intention of having a conversation between the new resident and the devil . . . . now what can say to each other . . . "Been fun"?
DB: I had trouble with that line . . . I switched the order . . . wail then gnashing . . that didn't work but I think you have it right . . . I'll make that change.
Still haven't found a good chord progression I'm happy with.
So far G D F C . . . which has only been used a few zillion times . . . so if I use it . . . it will be the start of a gazillion times.
(my contribution to musicdom)
Thanks for input
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
now what can say to each other . . . "Been fun"?
You can do the Chris Farley approach:
Chris Farley: Remember that time you were with the Beatles?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Farley: Remember when you were with the Beatles and you were supposed to be dead, and there were all these clues, like you play some song backwards and it'd say, like "Paul is Dead" and everybody thought you were dead and, um, that was a hoax right?
Paul McCartney: Yeah, I wasn't really dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Farley: I think we got time for one more question. Remember when you were in the Beatles and you did that album Abbey Road and at the very end of the song, it went: 'And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make'. You remember that?
Paul McCartney: Yes.
Chris Farley: Um, is that true?
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6972810
Still haven't found a good chord progression I'm happy with.
Power chords, KEN! I came across this band in my "research"
Check out Lordi's "The Devil is a Loser"...might give you an idea :twisted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWGzjcr4aHs
WARNING: contains the word WITCH many times minus the "W" add the "B"
...it seems to fit the vein your shooting for :wink:
James
Revision three . . . rearranging verses . . . more dialogue with Satan . . .
Final Reservation
‘Welcome to Hell', says Satan
Flashing an evil grin
‘Welcome to my kingdom
And all the pain within'
Can't say I'm glad to be here
You said we'd meet again
I've known you for a long time
But I wouldn't call you friend
(I failed the rhyme - help?)
I have your reservation
Made many years ago
Paid for with a wicked life
And arriving upon your death
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
The grind of teeth and wails of grief
An eternity of doom
Yes, I walked a twisted road
And you were by my side
Pushing envy, lust, and lying,
Cheating, hate and pride
(HELP with this verse!)
To serve you was my pleasure
Once I almost lost you
When that preacher came along
Thank God for Mary Sue
Mary Sue sure was pretty
More than I could resist
That fling cost my marriage
And wasn't worth all this
This, the realm of Satan's reign,
Where darkness casts its gloom,
The grind of teeth and wails of grief
An eternity of doom
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Ken,
It's taking a bit more shape now :D You allude to the title a bit. Consider playing up the angle more like Satan is the matradee at "Hotel Hell" with a restaurant called "Hell's Kitchen"...and the fitness room, sauna etc...
(I failed the rhyme - help?)
I have your reservation
Made many years ago
Paid for with a wicked life
And arriving upon your death
This could be I reserved you a table for one in the second circle of hell (adulters' section) where....describe the details...etc..
Good inclusion of Mary Sue :twisted:
Also consider putting Final Reservation in the chorus as the main hook to focus the song....
.....this is one hell of an assignment for you isn't it? :twisted: :lol: :twisted:
James
