hmmm.. been there, done that. still am there, actually :lol: needs some tweaking (e.g. wanted it to be a "greyhound scowl", but the things I read about greyhounds don't fit the person in question at all :lol: ) and somehow it's been attracting all kinds of numbers, but this is what I got so far :wink:
swallowing the smoke
we nodded on the third floor, mid-stair,
and with my laundry on my shoulder
I climbed through life-size ghosts of you
some forty steps to Hades, July fretful under our roof
boy, you were leaving a trail
and the five yards through the hall, to my door
were the worst
and I was thinking
of that paper mask my father'd given to me
when the radio'd been humming pandemic, pandemic
my, twenty-five months already
that I've been dreading your bulldog scowl
but, no, I'm not sweeping the hall if you're keeping the door
to your smog city on twenty-four square metres open, wide open
and I'm still listening
to your evening threat of two years ago
whenever night clouds conspire, yell fire, fire
for you said lightening was gonna shell my antenna
your gloating prophesy of fire and “I'll
exercise stair-flight†while “you'll
be coal, coal, cold ashes in a scorched flatâ€, well,
I suck at stair-fights since I
can't stand upright with your middle-aged disapproval
breathing down my neck
but I am suspecting
that if there'll be flames, the smoke might originate
in one of your bloody cigarettes instead
well, today we nodded on the third floor
and with my laundry on my shoulder
I climbed home through life-size ghosts of you
boy, you were leaving a trail
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Straycat,
Good title and clear message.... :D I kind of like how at the end the singer just nods in the hallway....I wouldn't want to be there when all that oppressed anger explodes. :shock:
Consider sticking the title in the song as a chorus with another line to rhyme it for the hook.
And keep that mask handy for the swine flu :wink:
James
Hi,
I feel ill equipped to make suggestions but, as always, it's a pleasure to stroll through the imagery in your lyrics. The picture of the miserable old neighbour came across very powerfully. No idea how I'd sing it, but I sure wish I had the talent to give it a try...
Cheers,
Chris
Statistically, Straycat, you have the upperhand . . . in the argument . . . between you and Mr. Scowling Bulldog.
(I assume he's more greyhound than bulldog in appearance?)
Smoking is the leading cause of fire, fire.
http://www.usfa.dhs.gov/downloads/pdf/smoking/GeneralAudienceFactSheet.pdf
So you can tell him to "put that in your pipe and smoke it." (cough, cough . . . ugh . . . gag)
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Cough, cough...Vic stubs out cigarette and vows for the umpteenth time to quit smoking....
I like this one. Cleverly put together, and a nice blend of imagery - "I climbed through life-size ghosts of you," "boy, you were leaving a trail," "your bulldog scowl," "whenever night clouds conspire, yell fire, fire" - and the more down to earth phrases; I particularly liked " if there'll be flames, the smoke might originate in one of your bloody cigarettes instead." (Although originate FROM is better grammar...)
Nice one!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi :wink:
James, I've been thinking about using the title in the lyrics, too .. it's kind of humming itself, I think :D However, I dunno where exactly to stick in a chorus... and I might tend to use not more than variations on the line like "Swallowing the smoke, I'm just swallowing the smoke"... um.. suggestions?
Any time you feel like giving it a try anyhow, you are extremely welcome, Chris :D (btw, it's not lacking talent on your side, it's lacking brevity+structure on mine :lol: )
Thanks for the statistics, Ken! I feel I can frown with much more determination now :D Actually, he's rather compact, like a bulldog (and as creepy), but somehow he seems more like a greyhound to me... maybe because he's got that inexplicable air of authority and superority about him. :lol:
Keeping my fingers crossed for your vow, dear Vic :D However, this is not really anti-smokers, just questioning the kind who share their smoke with everyone on the same floor (and, sometimes, up to two floors below) by failing to keep the doors to their flats shut. :? Thanks a lot for pointing out the grammar mistake, it'll be "from" not "in" then :wink:
Thank you for all your comments!
Cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
