Skip to content
Y8 W45 - Midnight B...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Y8 W45 - Midnight Blues.

8 Posts
4 Users
0 Likes
1,420 Views
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

Have to hold my hands up and admit to cheating here - I wrote this about 5 years or so ago, posted it in the other songwriting forum, and didn't get an awful lot of feedback. So I thought I'd resurrect it (I NEVER throw a song away!) and see if it reads any better with a bit of tidying up....

Midnight Blues

Just smoked my last cigarette, killed the last of my drink,
Getting late and I'm feeling no pain, I'm too tired to think,
Can't find no telephone, can't afford to call you,
Ain't got nowhere to go, got nothing to do....

I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again,
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again,
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again......

Ain't got no place to go, nowhere to call home,
Ain't got nobody to love, I'm all alone,
Life ain't getting any easier, matter of fact it's hell,
On my own in a faded room, in a stone-cold water hotel,

I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again,
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again,
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again......

Obviously, it's a blues song - doesn't look to be much of it, but played in open G with lots of fills and a short solo after the first chorus, and a long solo after the second chorus then a third chorus, it's clocking in at about 5 minutes & 20 secs. I may even add a third verse yet....

:( :( :(

(Obviously, I can't use :D :D :D - it's a blues song!)

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
Quote
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Vic,

Yep, looks like the blues 8) "stone-cold water hotel" nice image....maybe it's a geographic thing, but in the US, motels are a step down from hotels.....so it could be in a "stone-cold water motel"

Suggestions:
#1
Consider changing one of these lines as they seem to say the same thing.
"Ain't got nowhere to go,"
"Ain't got no place to go,"

#2
These two lines seem to conflict:
"Can't find no telephone, can't afford to call you,"
(SOUNDS LIKE HE WOULD LIKE TO CALL B/C THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP)
"Ain't got nobody to love, I'm all alone,"
(IF THE SINGER HAS NOBODY TO LOVE, WHY WOULD HE HAVE WANTED TO CALL ANYBODY)

#3
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up on me again,
how about
I feel those midnight blues, creeping up IN me again,
or
I feel those midnight blues, creeping IN me again,
OR
I feel those midnight blues, creeping INTO me again,
Maybe the loneliness can be played up a bit in the lack of emotion or cold interaction with the singer and those around him at that time of night....another person at the bar, the bartender, the front desk clerk, liquor store manager, prostitute....or all the above

#4
This line is a bit hard to believe on two accounts:
""Can't find no telephone, can't afford to call you,"
First, if the singer is at a bar then later a hotel room, both locations should have had phones; also if the setting is modern, many carry cell phones.
Second, how could the singer not have the money for a phone call when he has money for cigarettes, a drink (probably more than one ordered), and a hotel room?

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
ReplyQuote
(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 176
 

James, the blues is supposed to say the same thing. For example:

Muddy Waters:
You say you love me darlin',
please, call me on the phone sometime
You say you love me darlin',
please, call me on the phone sometime

Stevie Ray Vaughan
Well it's floodin' down in Texas,
all the telephone lines are down
Well it's floodin' down in Texas,
all the telephone lines are down

CCR
O Suzy Q
O Suzy Q
O Suzy Q
O Suzy Q, baby I love you, Suzy Q

Those are just off the top of my head...

Anyway,
Can't find no telephone, can't afford to call you,
Ain't got nowhere to go, got nothing to do....

maybe since James is concerned about the expense of a call, you could try:

Can't find no telephone, you wouldn't answer if I called,
Ain't got nothin' to do, ain't got nothing at all...

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
ReplyQuote
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

James, the blues is supposed to say the same thing.
Agreed, but that is usually in the same verse. Here Vic has it as the last line of one verse and the first line of the next verse....
......regarding the phone call, I like the idea of the woman hanging up on him or not taking his call....then the singer can conclude or state he has no one left to love or to love him later in the song.


   
ReplyQuote
(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 176
 

Agreed, but that is usually in the same verse.

ah, touche. I just thought I'd see if I could get away with critiquing the critiquer. I guess not.

Then again, my suggestions still suggest a fix to the very problem James proposed. Hope it helps you, Vic.

To bed!

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

All very valid criticisms....let's see if I can rebut a few of 'em.

I'm trying to get the mood across of a guy who's ekeing out a living - maybe a not-very-good travelling salesman, on the road, far from home, world-weary....

"Just smoked my last cigarette, killed the last of my drink,
Getting late and I'm feeling no pain,...."

He's a bit drunk, trying to numb the pain, wash away the loneliness. He's spent the last of his money on that last drink....

"Can't find no telephone, can't afford to call you,"

The place he's in is so cheap it doesn't even have a payphone....OR, he can't find a phone 'cause he's a little drunk. Can't afford a cellphone - or can't afford to buy call-time.

"Ain't got nowhere to go, got nothing to do.... "

And he's spent the last of his money on that last drink!

"Ain't got no place to go, nowhere to call home,"

I actually thought I was being clever there, starting the second verse in a very similar manner to the first.....but James is quite right, it doesn't work because it conflicts with the "can't afford to call you" line - unless - he's not actually living with the woman he's thinking of, maybe she's just an old friend he wanted to call for the sake of hearing a friendly voice?

"Ain't got nobody to love, I'm all alone,"

is obvious - 'cause he's far from home, lonely, etc.... which is made clear in the next couple of lines.

James, I know what you're getting at with the hotel/motel contrast - but where I'm from, there aren't that many motels, and the odd one or two I know are fairly nice places.

I was actually thinking of adding a third verse, something like this....

"On my own in this faded room, in my faded suit,
Taking off my faded clothes, and my worn-out boots,
Sleep don't come easy to a worried man, and I got a lot on my mind,
It's getting late and I'm feeling drained, but it's hard to unwind...."

BUT - it didn't quite seem to fit with the first two verses, it seemed as if it'd go better as an opening verse, but that would have meant shifting the original opening verse to the second verse, and it'd have made less sense and would have needed MORE re-writing, and the trick of paraphrasing the last line of the preceding verse to open the new verse wouldn't work... and it'd clock in at around 7.00 mins or so, and quite frankly, I don't think the songs strong enough to go on that long...although it may grow on me. Don't forget, it's been in the "Hmm, I might do something with this one day" box for over five years.....

Tricky, this songwriting stuff, innit?

Thanks as always for taking the time and trouble to comment, and if you've any thoughts on the putative third verse, I'd like to hear 'em. I may be able to salvage something from this yet.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

ah, touche. I just thought I'd see if I could get away with critiquing the critiquer.
Critique away....iron sharpens iron :wink:
I'm trying to get the mood across of a guy who's ekeing out a living - maybe a not-very-good travelling salesman, on the road, far from home, world-weary....
I don't see any indication from the lyrics that let me know the singer is a travelling salesman
"Ain't got nobody to love, I'm all alone,"
is obvious - 'cause he's far from home, lonely, etc.... which is made clear in the next couple of lines.
Here again, there is no indication he is "far from home"...while I like the imagery of "On my own in a faded room, in a stone-cold water hotel," it's not enough for the listener to know the singer is a travelling salesman far from home...He could be in a hotel in his hometown on the outs with his spouse...or backbacking through Europe
James, I know what you're getting at with the hotel/motel contrast - but where I'm from, there aren't that many motels, and the odd one or two I know are fairly nice places.
No problem there then. :wink:


   
ReplyQuote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi Vic ...

I like what you have and lets be honest here , who cares what others do in any genre of music ....
There is only one Vic Lewis { some may say thankfully } joke ...

I really enjoyed the chorus , and could really hear it being belted out in the English accent ...

Good one mate
Trev :note1: :note2:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
ReplyQuote