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Y8 Week 43- Throne Thrown Away

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(@daemontears)
Active Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

I'm new to this, but I'm glad to be here and sharing with y'all. I hope y'all like my song.

A man waits to take their toll
All alone his heart's run cold
And with each and every single lie
He'll absolutely bleed them dry

Chorus:
The King who threw away his crown
And quickly felt the hate and dread
The day will come when he will drown
Beneath an ocean colored red

Surrendered all for gold and riches
You threw away your dreams and wishes
I think you'll find it at the end
What the truth will finally rend
In twain you'll find your mind and heart
And see your kingdom fall apart

Chorus

What a tangled web of words he weaves
With his lies what will he leave?
A broken heart, a broken man
Accursed be that heartless hand
That took so many lives of men
A creature filled with only sin

I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. Feel free to critique, as well as making your guess of the original song. Thank you!


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Daemontears,

I can't say I can figure what song it's from by the lyrics alone.

The closest I can come up with as far as the message in the lyrics is "Greed" is being personified as a being that leads mortals astray or to their doom. So the one with the kingdom sought riches instead of nobler life pursuits and is another victim of "Greed"

"A man waits to take their toll"

I could use clarification here. Is it meaning a man/person is collecting a toll/fee from some kind of travelers (their)? Like the ferryman across the river Styx?

Suggestion: Consider having the title of the song appear in the song either as a first or last line of the verses or as a hook in the chorus. Also, keep in mind how songs are sung more than read...so "Throne Thrown Away"....to the listener will probably come across as "Throne Throne Away" or "Thrown Thrown Away"....but I did like the play on words as I was reading it BTW :D

Another rule of thumb is to keep lyrics conversational, but that of course depends on the music and the tone of the message you're getting across....so on a read through "rend" and "twain" aren't necessarily conversational, but again it depends on the mood/vibe.....I keep picturing something like Ronnie James Dio.
Thanks for sharing :D

I am open to interpretations as much as you are willing to share.

James


   
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(@daemontears)
Active Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

Thank you for the feedback!

I was actually using toll more in the sense of taxation, rather than basic payment, like a king to his subjects

The title is not really what I wanted anyways, but I felt it was better than some of the others I'd come up with. I like the idea of using part of a verse or the chorus for the title. Seems I'd accidently left out the chorus. It's been edited.

I do desire to learn more about keeping the lyrics conversational. I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds interesting.

Thanks again ^__^


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

I do desire to learn more about keeping the lyrics conversational. I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds interesting.

Here is one example...John Mayer is not the end all on the subject, but this was an area of songwriting he was talking about to a group at Berkley....the "point" comes across around 5:15 but you could start watching around 3:00 or 3:56 to see the build up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSt7KpBPKvs&feature=related

....there's no "right" answer but it helps to pick up things here and there along the way.


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
 

Hi, I'll throw a couple thoughts in... kind of in line with James' question. To me, the song sets the tone of an overbearing tyrant, except for the first line:
A man waits to take their toll

I feel like that first line sets the tone of a passive guy setting in the shadows, as opposed to the tyrant king laid out in the rest of the song. Maybe rather than waiting he should be demanding or simply taking.

I won't comment on the conversational thing (except of course, that comment I just made that I wouldn't comment)

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@daemontears)
Active Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

Thank you Jeremy. I've edited my song slightly, & I was wondering what you might think of this as the first line-

A man who sits upon his throne

Thanks again


   
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