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Y8 Wk43 Hi..I'm back

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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

Ok, finally back... decided I need to get back on task and start submitting.

Well, this might be easier on you if I told you what tune (just in case you've got some Devo in the background and you just can't make it fit), but it's fun. Actually, I blended two songs.

Anyway, so you can get the tune, song 1 is the verses, but it switches to the chorus of song 2 when you get to bold. I'm thinking that if the lyrics work, though, I'll try to write a different tune. (oh, and as it is, I have to play it all in the key of E to make the chorus singable).

SONG SUBMISSION

college summertime working on the boardwalk
makin' pizza in a beachside store
children laughing and seagulls crying
breathing in fresh ocean air

in the evening, well, me and Andy
drinking sodas on the arcade line
city lights flicker in the distance
as Kyra dances just to pass the time

and even though my life has changed
the memory will last forever
at least 'til my mind begins to fade

and we could quote and share
all life's simple truths
as we closed our eyes
each night in ignorance
of what was left
of our lives yet unfulfilled
and miles to go

in a wet suit when my shift is over
board in hand, walkin' down the street
sure I'm never gonna ride on a pipeline
just finding sollace in an open sea

and though now my life has changed - I can
close my eyes, hear waves crash around me
and surf 'til the sun begins to fade

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hey Jeremy,

Nice imagery and descriptive details going on in the verses :D

The more I read this week's submissions, I don't see how anyone can guess the original songs without hearing the melodies...but maybe it's just me :?

Anyway, it reads well.

Suggestion: Consider sticking with the beach motif....The chorus doesn't quite seem to fit......the rest of the song sounds like the surfer guy loved his surfer lifestyle and although life brings changes, the singer will still always love the ocean....but then the chorus is taking about guitars weeping and axiomatic blues....which don't seem to gel with the laid back surf...... maybe hearing it would make it make more sense.

I don't know if you've heard of Jack Johnson's song "Mudfootball"....your lyrics remind me of his sentiment:

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDjXMrGLuQw

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

The more I read this week's submissions, I don't see how anyone can guess the original songs without hearing the melodies...but maybe it's just me :?

It must be you.
Scrybe correctly guessed MY song . . . right off the bat!

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

yeah, James, I struggled with that "axiomatic blues" line, not really communicating what I wanted to say...

zap, pow, gone (well, in a couple seconds after I repost)

as far a "beach motif", that's not necessarily what I was going for other than the background for the deeper questions of a coming of age type song, where you are thinking back to that age where you were you hadn't quite realized how complex life could be yet... maybe that's where knowing the songs would come in handy.

I did guess James song, but since he still had the title in the chorus (and the same chorus as the original) and the recording confirmed it!

Jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

as far a "beach motif", that's not necessarily what I was going for other than the background
I think I picked up that it was background for the singer, but it was done in a good way. I think those concrete images stick with the listener/reader and make the singer more believable....I also think the deeper questioning came across. That's why I saw a parallel in concrete images and same message between your song and the Jack Johnson song.

The changes I think work for the better. I wasn't pulled out of the moment or movement like I was with the first read w/ gtrs....It might need a bit more tweaking in that the "voice" of the singer seems to have shifted. For example:

in the evening, well, me and Andy
drinking sodas on the arcade line
city lights flicker in the distance
as Kyra dances just to pass the time ***I really like this verse BTW

each night in ignorance
of what was left
of our lives yet unfulfilled
and miles to go

If a song is like a 3 minute conversation....there is quite a contrast between someone saying,
"me and Andy drinking sodas on the arcade line"
compared to
"each night in ignorance of what was left of our lives yet unfulfilled"

Even if it is a flashback...an older person reflecting on teenage years....it would seem the singer's voice or dialect or phrasing would stay consistent throughout the song....but maybe it is a topic worth exploring :P ....might be a bit too experimental but you could have a singer tell a life story and when they talk about childhood, they sing like a 5 year old....then teenage slang on verse 2 for the teen years....then a 30 something crooner the ending with the lyrics of the golden-ager..... :roll: ...it certainly would make for a unique song :shock:

But maybe the melody will help smooth over the transition.

James


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

ight be a bit too experimental but you could have a singer tell a life story and when they talk about childhood, they sing like a 5 year old....then teenage slang on verse 2 for the teen years....then a 30 something crooner the ending with the lyrics of the golden-ager..... :roll: ...it certainly would make for a unique song :shock:

Week 47?

Yeah, the change of voice to me was pretty apparent, and did need to be dealt with, and your tip was helpful. Part of it was experimenting with a couple songs connected in theme (and coincidentally in name as well), but not style - the first Bryan Adams "Summer of '69" and the second Smashing Pumpkins "1979".

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

the first Bryan Adams "Summer of '69" and the second Smashing Pumpkins "1979".
Aahhhh...."I see," said the blind man. :wink:


   
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