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Y8W11 Rain

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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Y8W11 Rain

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8598968

================UPDATED VERSION==============

Rain
Spilling on the stepping stones
Kissing all the marigolds
Falling from her eyes

Rain
Fox is watching from its hole
Never letting feelings show
Clever to a fault

Here comes the sun
With the face of a god
Dressing her in rainbows
In a grand façade

Rain
Umbrella, boots and trench coat
No more chasing rainbows
I reach out my hand

Rain
Soaking through my skin
Can I learn again
To shed a tear like her

================ORIGINAL VERSION===============
Rain
Spilling on the stepping stones
Kissing all the marigolds
Falling from her eyes

Rain
The fox is watching from its hole
The blue jay's silent on its own
Asking why

Here comes the sun
With the face of a god
Dressing her in rainbows
In a grand façade

Rain
Soaking through my skin
Can I learn again
To shed a tear like you


   
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(@dylanbarrett)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 628
 

Hey James

Not sure what's going on in the second verse, but overall a pretty little ditty and very pleasant to listen to...
(a little short for you though :roll: :wink: although I've been away for a while)

I felt you were struggling vocally with the bridge/chorus although the words work well...

Rain
You soak through my skin - Soaking through my skin (rolls off the tongue a bit better)
Can I learn again
To shed a tear like you

I know it's one of your little puzzles, but just can't figure out the perspective....Oh well.

I liked it.

Rock on!
D 8)

I'm nowhere near Chicago. I've got six string, 8 fingers, two thumbs, it's dark 'cos I'm wearing sunglasses - Hit it!


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hey Dylan,
Soaking through my skin (rolls off the tongue a bit better)
Agreed, Thanks POOF* :mrgreen: Changed for the better :wink:
(a little short for you though :roll: :wink: although I've been away for a while)
Yes, but I don't think it needs more....leaves you wanting a little more....maybe a measure or 2 in an arrangement would fit the balance :roll: The lengths of my songs are changing, but I try to let the song take it's own form instead of a set time....However, still keeping 3:30 mins in the back of my mind as benchmark.
I felt you were struggling vocally with the bridge/chorus although the words work well...
Yes, it is slightly atonal and having just written it....practice....practice....practice.... :wink:
Not sure what's going on in the second verse....I know it's one of your little puzzles, but just can't figure out the perspective...

*Spoiler Alert*
I started with the arpeggio progression and liked how it sounded like rain drops so I was going more for a mood. Then I wanted to keep it ethereal sounding and lyrically trying to find the StrayCat in me...complimentary in reference :wink:

I also wanted to swim against the current, as usual, :roll: and as it sometimes produces a less generic/predictable outcome...so typically sunshine is positive; rain is negative. I wanted the reverse:

The rain is personified as sensitivity or willing to show tears/emotions.
The sun(shine) is a stoic, stiff upper lip, put on a good smile/show/brave face attitude

Regarding Vs2 The animals were actually picked first in the moment then checked if symbolism would/could apply. The idea is nature is siding with the sun to keep up appearances. The fox, representing cunning (uses head instead of heart), sits stone faced watching the tears or rain someone being emotional and just keeping a distance or waiting out the rain. The blue jay, normally a talkative bird and one that mates for life, is silent and single saying to itself "this game of keeping up appearances doesn't really work...it's unnatural for me to not show emotion and I am alone because I refuse to show emotion."

So the sun comes out telling the sky or rain to stop crying- stop being emotional and put on a mask/happy face/ rainbow...which is a facade.... but ultimately it will rain again because that's what it does.....that's its nature.

Therefore the sun is a bit like a god...distant, sure, unwavering and unemotional while rain is personified to be an outpouring of emotion....not holding back....to be human/sensitive/unafraid to be real....

Finally, the singer is asking can I stop playing games and be real again with myself and others.

Oh and vs1 stepping stone symbolized life or life path ...steps we take turn to stone by time not going back....marigolds sometimes associated with death....but basically saying the rain falls impartially on all living and dead, the good and bad, sinner and saint....etc.....

Thanks again for the feedback :wink:

James


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
 

very nice James

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

Hi Jeremy,

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James


   
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(@christiaan)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 90
 

Hey James,

Very nice song! Thanks for that explanation too, it's very interesting, I already thought you must have come up with the guitar part first, it does conjure up images of rain right away, so well done there.
Also the image of the sun dressing up the rain in a rainbow is a very good image.

When I compare the explanation to the actual song, I'm afraid what you wanted to say doesn't come through for me. I've looked at it a while, and my advice would be to add another verse between the first and second verse, saying something like "Rain / Wish that it would fall on me / But I carry an umbrella / to keep control" (but in hopefully in better words than these :wink: )
The reasoning behind this is to better establish the singer's desire, or else the reversal of sunshine=positive, rain=negative doesn't come through for me.

One thing I don't understand: I guess the "her" in the bridge and the "you" in the third verse refer to the rain, but who is the "her" in the first verse?


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

I'm afraid what you wanted to say doesn't come through for me....The reasoning behind this is to better establish the singer's desire, or else the reversal of sunshine=positive, rain=negative doesn't come through for me.
Thanks. I like your suggestions and I agree another well placed verse could give it the polish and or clarification needed.
One thing I don't understand: I guess the "her" in the bridge and the "you" in the third verse refer to the rain, but who is the "her" in the first verse?
Yes, you are correct. The 3rd verse should be her. I guess I was trying to connect the singer and sky/rain, but it would make more sense with "her"....I guess I'll have to see how the mystery verse fits in to adjust the pronouns.

Thanks, Christiaan, for the listen in insightful comments. :D

James


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
Topic starter  

*POOF* Changes made :mrgreen:

Feedback?


   
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